Re: CRIT: Opening and Main Characters

On Tue, 27 Mar 2007 09:49:37 -0800, Bill Swears wrote:

David Chart wrote:
I've pulled this out of a sub-thread, so the question may look
familiar.

The following is the opening of my WIP. Who are the main characters?
Would you be surprised if any of these characters turned out to be
minor, and if so, which ones?

=begin=

As the crescent sun rose above the eastern hills, spreading a wan
light over the snow-covered valley[.] Maalioh quietly snuffed out the
small lamp and opened the shutters so that his master Tohflair could
continue his examination by natural light. The patient was one of
the most promising young hunters in the village, renowned for her
skill at bringing down birds, and her sickness was a general cause
for concern. [This sentence provides some color, but doesn't fit the
paragraph, IMO. I'd put the detail about being a hunter, and her
name, into the next sentence, and delete this one.]

The sentence does stick out a little (perhaps being a little too long?) but
I think moving all that info to a later paragraph would give more emphasis
to her and her profession, perhaps getting the reader too interested in
someone who is really a bit character.


Maalioh noticed
that [Tiisam] had thrown [her] blanket off again, and moved gently to
put it back over [the young hunter]. She tried to shrug it [away, (to
avoid repeating 'off')], and Maalioh put his hands
on her shoulders to hold it in place. Tohflair nodded at him.

The piece as written caught and held my attention, but I felt the seque
into her profession diluted the focus of the paragraph, YMMV. The
important information can still be included without it seeming a
reminiscence external to the action.

I see two threads in the paragraph; one is giving us progressive clues
about the setting: crescent sun rising, snowy valley, low tech. The
sentence about her profession and its importance to the village continues
that thread; this is happening in a village so small and limited that one
bird-hunter would be a serious loss.

I'd have said that the length of that sentence slows the progress of the
paragraph, which might lose some readers. And it does seem a jump from what
M's and T's immediate attention is focused on (time to change lighting);
I'd take this as a signal of omni rather than reminiscence.

I'd suggest flagging that sentence for tweaking after he's done more work
on the story and is sure whether the whole thing is omni or what. The
sentence could be condensed either keeping the omni flavor or making it
part of a pv's current thought. Leading with M's feelings about this
patient would be another signal that M is the main character.

I'm sure this is way over-blown, but it gives an order that things could be
segued.

Maalioh quietly snuffed out the small lamp and opened the shutters so that
his master Tohflair could continue his examination by natural light.
Turning back to the feverish patient, M tried to hide his fear. Even the
loss of this one bird-hunter would mean much less food for the village.
Gently he straightened the /woollen/ blanket that the patient had thrown
off. She tried to shrug it off again, and Maalioh put his hands on her
shoulders to hold it in place. Tohflair nodded at him.

I stuck in /woollen/, or whatever world-building adjective, for a bit of
distancing here, so we don't get too involved with this particular patient
and action.



R.L.
--
delaman@xxxxxxxxx works, emails welcome
http://houseboatonstyx.livejournal.com/
.

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