Re: Crit: story opening

After looking at this a while, I'd like folks to chat about the first
paragraph, which several people have stumbled over.

Version 1 (the original)
The alien spaceship drifted in over the pines and settled to the grass with
all the drama and ceremony of a seagull lighting on a bollard, and less
noise. John Peters checked the time. Long experience made "0600" into
"sometime before dark" when the one waiting was only an E5, but 0608 and
forty-three seconds was downright neighborly, considering. He elbowed Todd,
who was going to regret nodding off when the dew on his uniform got clammy,
and started getting his *** together.

Version 2:
The alien spaceship drifted in over the pines and settled to the grass with
all the drama and ceremony of a seagull lighting on a bollard, and less
noise. John Peters checked the time: 0608 and forty-three seconds. The
orders said 0600, and long experience made "0600" into "sometime before
dark" when the one waiting was only a Second Class Petty Officer, so that
was downright neighborly, considering. He elbowed Todd, who was going to
regret nodding off when the dew on his uniform got clammy, and started
getting his gear together.

Version 3:
The alien spaceship drifted in over the pines and settled to the grass with
all the drama and ceremony of a seagull lighting on a bollard, and less
noise. John Peters checked the time: 0608 and forty-three seconds. That was
downright neighborly, considering. Long experience made "0600" into
"sometime before dark" when the one waiting was only a Second Class Petty
Officer. He elbowed Todd, who was going to regret nodding off when the dew
on his uniform got clammy, and started getting his gear together.

***
The problem I have with version 3 is that, to my mind, the whole sentence
beginning with "Long experience..." needs to go away, and I'd prefer to
keep it for the bit of characterization. The sentence in version 2 is
actually more complex than the one in version 1, but may be more
understandable because there are fewer, more direct inferences to be made.

Thoughts?

Regards,
Ric
[now getting 300-500 words/day on this, which isn't much but better than
zero. Yes, there are trefoil-slotted screws]

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