Re: Getting comma-itis

On Thu, 31 Aug 2006 17:20:22 +0100, D Marshall
<diem@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in
<news:MPG.1f611ca31e44cf5f989684@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> in
rec.arts.sf.composition:

In article <iu30eyjg27gd.185msyd6mujib.dlg@xxxxxxxxxx>,
b.scott@xxxxxxxxxxx says...

On Thu, 31 Aug 2006 17:06:09 +0100, D Marshall
<diem@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in
<news:MPG.1f6119498f12f843989683@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> in
rec.arts.sf.composition:

The first sentence of this paragraph is irritating me. Too
many commas. But every time I rewrite it, I seem to end
up with something far too long and no less complicated.

What do you people think?

She rode into Babylon, the capital, and only true city, of
Finia, in a hired carriage. She was attended by Thea,
who had been with her for several years now, and the
newcomer, Zil. The latter was eager to explore wherever
they went. Thea was older, more experienced. She had
been to Finia before, and could not wait to get away from
it.

The first sentence is not correctly punctuated. It should
be 'She rode into Babylon, the capital and only true city of
Finia, in a hired carriage'. The second sentence is fine,
though it would also be acceptable to omit the last comma.
(Some extreme prescriptivists would insist on it.) The
third sentence is fine. The fourth isn't wrong, but it
would read more smoothly with 'and' in place of the comma.
The comma in the last sentence is incorrect.

She rode into Babylon, the capital and only true city
of Finia, in a hired carriage. She was attended by Thea,
who had been with her for several years now, and the
newcomer Zil. The latter was eager to explore wherever
they went. Thea was older and more experienced. She
had been to Finia before and could not wait to get away
from it.

That is certainly clearer. The way I hear the first
sentence in my head, however, is with 'and only true' as
an interpolation - though that may be putting it a
little too strongly; whearas 'the capital and only true
city' is clear but doesn't quite capture, for me, the
nuance I was looking for.

To get that effect I would enclose 'and only true' in
parentheses: 'She rode into Babylon, the capital (and only
true) city of Finia, in a hired carriage'.

Brian
.

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