Re: crit: Alternate opening

Brian M. Scott wrote:

On Tue, 29 Aug 2006 07:35:50 GMT, Scott Golden
<gypsyluc@xxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in
<news:q7SIg.2795$bM.2457@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
in rec.arts.sf.composition:


Christopher B. Wright wrote:


'Pondered' is a weak verb. How about, instead of 'and
pondered', you use 'burdened by' or 'straining over' or
'stressed about'.


Surely an active verb, however weak, is stronger than a
modifier -- not that I see anything particularly weak about
'to ponder'.

>
I think maybe 'contemplated' might be better. It denotes intensity as opposed to 'ponder' which denotes deepness.
>

And 'dejectedly' is an unnecessary adverb.


How so? His mood isn't actually implied by the rest of the
passage, so 'dejectedly' does in fact convey information.

>
I think the fact that he is pondering 'difficulties' conveys enough information. Mainly I'm thinking of the effect the first sentence has on the reader; I feel it tends to pull you down into Grif's state of dejection, rather than getting you excited to know what happens to Grif next.

From "Creating Short Fiction" by SFWA Grand Master, Damon Knight:
Errors To Avoid -- Writing about characters who are not interested in _themselves_ but are just going through the motions--bored, apathetic, self-pitying, passive, and so on. [Blurb by Harlan Ellison: 'To those who hunger to be writers I recommend this book without reservation.']

John Joseph Adams, Assistant Editor (he reads the submissions) of "The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction" recommends Damon's book to the authors who submit to him. He also says, regarding rejections, "Most of them [stories] reveal themselves as awful within the first couple sentences or pages; once we reach a point in a manuscript that we determine it's not something we want to publish, there's no longer any reason to continue reading."
>
>
You could write it as: "it was fairly complicated" (or
you can delete 'fairly', and 'actually' also; too many
l.y. words). Remember what Stephen King--and most books on writing--say about adjectives and adverbs: eliminate
as many of them as possible; keep only the ones that are
truly necessary.

>
Notice that in the quote above, Ellison avoided writing 'unreservedly'.
>

The problem, of course, is to decide what's necessary. I
dislike that particular dictum quite a lot, because it's so
often abused. Indeed, I think that your first formulation
-- 'eliminate as many of them as possible' -- is just plain
bad advice.

>
William G. Tapply, author of 27 published novels, in the July, 2006 issue of "The Writer":
Sharp writing begins with precise, active verbs. Adverbs are neon arrows pointing to weak, vague verbs. Find the strong verb and expunge the flabby adverbs. [In the article, Tapply recommends the following book]

From "The Elements of Style" by Strunk and White:
Write with nouns and verbs, not with adjectives and adverbs. The adjective hasn't been built that can pull a weak or inaccurate noun out of a tight place. This is not to disparage adjectives and adverbs; they are indispensable parts of speech. In general, however, it is nouns and verbs, not their assistants, that give to good writing its toughness and color.

From "On Writing" by Stephen King:
I'll tell you right now that every aspiring writer should read 'The Elements of Style'. There is little or no detectable bullshit in that book. [Later in his book, King writes:] The adverb is not your friend. Adverbs seem to have been created with the timid writer in mind. With adverbs, the writer usually tells us he or she is afraid he/she isn't expressing himself/herself clearly, that he or she is not getting the point or the picture across. I believe the road to hell is paved with adverbs, and I will shout it from the rooftops. [King writes--as did Tapply--of using active verbs, and also offers this quote form 'The Elements of Style' about following a set of writing rules, saying "I urge you to consider (it)"] 'Unless he is certain of doing well, (the writer) will probably do best to follow the rules'.

One more. From "The Craft of Writing Science Fiction That Sells" by Ben Bova, former editor of Analog magazine and author of over 100 books:
We will not spend a chapter, or even a few pages, discussing the importance of using strong verbs or the active versus the passive voice or the proper use of adjectives and adverbs. All these things you should have acquired in high school English classes. If you don't understand them now, go back and learn them before going any further.

What I get from these authors (and others that echo their sentiments) is not that there is a strict formula to follow to achieve good writing, but that there are certain rules that, if followed, will allow _your_ writing voice to work--to be effective . . . to grab and hold the attention of readers.


hurtling it through space at speeds the universe wanted
to pretend didn't exist.


I know what you mean in the last half of that sentence,
but it really comes off as pretentious. May I suggest
something like: "at speeds that gave loyal Einsteinians fits". That may sound pretentious too, but it's also more
accurate. The universe didn't formulate the theory of
relativity--a human being did.


This is clearly a matter of taste: I find Christopher's
version considerably punchier and less clumsy than yours.
Pedantic accuracy should not be allowed to get in the way of
lively expression.

>
Agreed. It's a matter of taste. I think that if I had a better handle on the tenor of the story I would have been able to absorb the line better.
>

"Have I ever mentioned," Grif asked, "how much I despise
the color gray?"


"Yes." Amys, Grif's navigator, sounded a little
exasperated. "As a matter of fact, you bring it up
almost every time we jump to tach."


This sentence is way too long.


<blink> It sounds perfectly natural to me. I can hear
someone saying it. Hell, I can hear myself saying it. I'd
say that the dialogue is the strongest element of this
opening.


Matter of opinion, I guess. Yes, it sounds natural to start off a sentence with "As a matter of fact", but try saying it starting at the words "You bring it up" or even at "Every time". Does it sound stronger for its compactness?


I can't see why you would need any exposition to start out
with. Good writers--they say--intertwine setting with
character introductions, so that we (the readers) are
plunged into the world of the story immediately. 'Begin
with a bang', they say.


Or not, as the case may be. There's nothing wrong with
quiet, descriptive openings if they're done well; Cherryh
frequently uses them, for instance. I think that the
problem with Christopher's opening is that it isn't quite
sure what it wants to be: it's not a straight descriptive
opening to draw us into the setting or the mood, but neither
does it dump us right into the action. The only hook that
it offers is the dialogue, and that's only barely enough to
keep me reading for a bit.

>
See the comments above regarding the adverb 'dejectedly'. Also, from William F. Nolan, editor, author of "Logan's Run", and 'Author Emeritus' of the 2006 Nebula Awards, regarding submissions:
I'd pull a typed manuscript halfway out of its envelope and read the first paragraph. If I liked it, I'd remove the entire story and read it through. But if that opening paragraph didn't grab me, I'd let the manuscript slide back into its mailing envelope and that would be the end of it. Another rejection.

Nolan was referring to magazine stories, but do you think that book publishers do things differently? The best synopsis or query letter in the world (except for maybe a very rare case) won't help you if the editor reads the first paragraph (or page) of your manuscript and isn't hooked by the writing. Cherryh is a best-selling author with a long track record; she's allowed some leeway that the rest of us don't enjoy.
>
>
Brian
>
Thanks for the debate. I enjoyed it.
.

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