Re: Metaphor and description

Jonathan L Cunningham <spam@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:

Talum was still speculating why Old Dula should hold such a place in
such good favour when he found himself walking up some flat steps to
the temple entrance. The temple was at the top of a steep hill, and
although he had taken care to wash and dress himself in accordance
with town customs, the hill and steps meant that he was sweating
slightly by the time he arrived, despite the chill of the late
Autumn day.


I didn't try to make Talum who you said he was, I just made up a bunch
of wrong Talums, adding metaphors where they seemed to fit. I find it
really hard to work with other people's characters, so that was the best
I could do. Hopefully someone will find it helpful/interesting.


Talum as mechanic:
Talum was still speculating why Old Dula considered the place such vital
cog in her town centered life, as he mounted the series of flat steps to
the temple entrance. The way up was set at a sharp incline, with the
temple resting at a rather precarious seeming angle at the top -- a
massive stone counterwieght --blockish, but with rounded corners,
prevented from crashing down the hill upon the villiage by the six
pillars wedged into its facade. Although he had taken care to wash and
dress himself in accordance with town customs, by the time he reached
the pillars he had lost his pristine polish, and aquired a slight sheen
of sweat that intensified the chill of the late Autumn day.

Talum as sailor/fisherman:
Talum was still speculating why Old Dula should rate this place as
highly than a following wind and a calm sea, as he walked up the flat
steps to the temple entrance. The temple was a large squarish island of
stone with a lookout's view of the surrounding lands The hill fell
neatly away from its granite walls, with the town far below, all layed
out like the morning's catch. He was a bit startled to realize that he
had come so far, and dismayed by the chill caress of a the autumn breeze
on his sweaty skin. He'd made the effort to wash and dress himself in
the proper town way, and here he was with his brasswork tarnished before
he'd even made port. He passed between the twin figureheads that
guarded the entrance -- lovely ladies the both them -- and...

Talum nervous:
Talum was still speculating why Old Dula should hold such a place in any
sort of favour as he mounted blocky steps. Above him the temple clung
to the top of a sheer slope, a block of inpentrable stone, its front
barred by six stone pillars flanking a cavernous entrance. Although he
had taken care to wash and dress himself in accordance with town
customs, stalking the wandering path as it led up onto the unsheltered
heights of the hill had left him sweating slightly, and the chill autumn
breeze ran its icy fingers down his back. He reluctantly passed through
the stone portal and was swallowed by dark walls inscribed with rows and
rows of strange symbols that seemed to twist in the flickering light of
the torches that...

Talum tired:
Talum had still achieved no real understanding of why Old Dula favored
the place by the time he had dragged himself up the long tettering stack
of stairs that led to the temple door. Thoughout the climb the temple
had waited, blocky and immovable at the top of the hill -- six
weatherbeaten pillars guarding its dark entrance. He had taken care to
wash and dress himself in accordance with town customs, but by now he
was sweating slightly and he welcomed the slight refreshment offered by
a vagrant Autumn breeze, as he trudged across the worn flags of the
forecourt, and pulled himself up the final three steps to...

If you can make any sense of the extract, you'll see that Talum wasn't
really thinking about the *appearance* of the temple at all, but musing
about its purpose and role in the city, after Old Dula's misperception
of the reason he's going to it. Even inside, he's still thinking more
about Dula, comparing her to the priestess, than about the interior
of the temple.

Yes, he's a bit of challenge.
Can you, um, make him a little less... detached?





--
Michelle Bottorff -> Chelle B. -> Shelby
L. Shelby, Writer http://www.lshelby.com/
Livejournal http://lavenderbard.livejournal.com/
rec.arts.sf.composition FAQ http://www.lshelby.com/rasfcFAQ.html
.

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