Re: Internal and External description

On Tue, 28 Feb 2006 14:43:35 +0000, usenet@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
(Catja Pafort) wrote:

Catja Pafort <usenet@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:

/snip/

So now, with added door:

As Tulomn had promised,

I suppose in context we'd know what your POV character's filter is. Is he a
detective coming to the scene of the crime and looking round the
neighborhood for clues and suspects on the way? Is he a prospective
customer wondering if Varki is legit?


Master Varki's house was easily found. In a
street of drab and dreary buildings that once upon a time might have
been white, the Master's house shone in unearthly shades of blue.
The house had not been built as much as _moulded_, defying all logic,
ridged and pockmarked and... bent somehow, as if a giant had kneaded the
building after it had finished to push it into form.

I like this very much -- but what was the house made of? Kneading would be
easy with an adobe sort of house, more impressive with a wooden
gingerbread gothic. Even the mention of plaster comes too late, and doesn't
eliminate a Queen Anne sort of place with lots of wooden beams.


The plaster was
pockmarked and weathered, reflecting the harsh sunlight at unepected
angles, focing Noffger to blink and return his glance to whatever part
of the building he wished it to rest on, because, like the light, his
eyes were redirected.

Very good! I really like this kind of description, that tells what it does
to the perceiver.


Noffger lifted his foot across the well-worn lip of stone that provided
a barrier between the street level and the first of four steps down.

Four steps seems zooming in a bit too far at this stage, when I haven't
been told the more obvious things yet. It suggests he was looking only
where a flashlight pointed or something.

Ok, looking at the next paragraph, you're being kinesthetic. He would have
lifted his foot before using the knocker -- but he would have SEEN the
layout of the door in the enclave before doing either.

Maybe you should make a point of having a near-sighted POV character? Or
put him under a curse or something while you're practicing?


The door, hunkered in the small enclave, protected from the glare of the
sun by a small overhang of less than an ell's width, which half
protruded from, half melted into the walls of Master Varki's home.

Woops, if that had come before the 'steps down', I wouldn't have stumbled
on the steps. "-)


Noffger raised his hand and let the iron ring fall against the heavily
studded door. It gave a hollow 'thock', followed by a mewing creak as
the door opened a finger's breadth under its weight.
"Master Varki?"
No answer.
"Master Varki?"
Noffger hastened up the steps again, almost stumbling over the iron
grille that helped defend the doorway from wetness..

Confusing, should have ben mentioned before. How would a grill defend from
wetness anyway?


Turning his back on the blue-shimmering house, Noffger accosted the
nearest passer-by, blocking his path when the man gave every indication
of wanting to cross the road just where Noffger was standing..
"My most humble apologies, but have you any knowledge where Master Varki
might have gone? He has not locked the door, yet he does not answer."
"Haven't seen him all morning. Wouldn't advise you to enter uninvited,
though." The man shuffled away quickly, not looking behind.
The rounded doorway with its weirdly-textured walls resembled the
entrance to a cave. With that thought came a strong hint that there
might be dragons lurking in the darkness beyond.

Sorry, this bounced me right out, coming where it does. Back in the
'moulded' bit it might be fine.

I'll try again later, or on your next version.


[....]
--
RL at houseboatonstyx com (insert one 'the')
.

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