Re: Describing peoples

Patricia wrote:

OK, here's the second layering example I promised.

And thank thee kindly.


Onward.

One: setting

The mountains rose abruptly from the plain. No foothills softened the
transition from level ground to their sharp, cold peaks; no forest blurred
the line between cliff and plain. The few scrubby trees scattered near the
base of the towering cliffs only served to make the contrast more stark. A
waterfall plunged down the face of one cliff; close beside it, a narrow
trail had been carved from the grey rock. Slick with spray, it climbed
steeply upward in a series of tight hairpin turns until it was lost from
sight far above.

This is the point where I get ready to tear my hair out, look to drown
my sorrows in green tea, and generally despair.

This is the layer I am finding disproportionally difficult, and that
doesn't flow out of my pen without conscious effort.


Two: Actions of characters.

Christine stared. The mountains rose abruptly from the plain. No foothills
softened the transition from level ground to their sharp, cold peaks; no
forest blurred the line between cliff and plain. The few scrubby trees
scattered near the base of the towering cliffs only served to make the
contrast more stark. Christine shook her head, but then Diane pointed. A
waterfall plunged down the face of one cliff; close beside it, a narrow
trail had been carved from the grey rock. Slick with spray, it climbed
steeply upward in a series of tight hairpin turns until it was lost from
sight far above. Diane studied the trail thoughtfully. She looked down at
her short, grubby fingernails, then up again, and nodded decisively.

This is a silent movie, and it's wonderful in its clarity, because while
I was slightly off in guessing _why_ Diane studies her fingernails, this
was where I knew the story behind the snippet. Character and situation;
as well as conflict (Christine vs Diane, both of them vs the mountain).
anything that comes after this is window dressing.

Looking back at your other example, that, too, only made sense when you
had the external reality (warehouse, bomb) to put the reader in the
picture; before that the dialogue could have belonged to many stories.

You can farm some of it out - '"What are you doing with that bomb in a
disused warehouse, Helen?"' or my favorite of 'James stared at Helen's
feet. It appeared that she was standing over a bomb' and there are
places where either is necessary and useful, but the description seems
to be at the core of making a scene unique.



Three: Dialog

Christine stared. "*That's* where we're going?"


Four: Internal dialog/thoughts

Christine stared. "*That's* where we're going?"
Diane had to admit that for once, she understood Christine's shock.

It pains me to admit it, but this layer doesn't add very much to the
scene - it plishes it off, rounds it, but I'm not learning anything new.
Then again, because the character interaction was already in their body
language, the dialogue isn't near the core of this scenelet either. The
first one could not have existed without the words. This one could. I
am, however, finding that your final version *could* exist without the
description - the characters react to the very mountain-ness of the
scenery, and do it so vividly that, in the end, you can do without them.

This is a paradox I do not expect to solve any time soon.


Five: Reactions/tone of voice

Christine stared. "*That's* where we're going?" she exclaimed in
tones of horror.

When we had only words that could be spoken in a multitude of manners,
the tone of voice was vital to give us a clue what was going on. Here,
especially in the first line, it seems almost too much, driving home a
point that has already been made, and I'd be tempted to cut it.


I don't see where this actually tells you anything the other one didn't.

Triangulation. Working out which bits I don't do enough of and what
their effect is, which bits I overdo, and how to find a better balance.
Starting to see places where one layer could be substituted for another,
and with which effects.


*Doing* it was interesting; I found it much harder up until I got to Round 3
and got the dialog (and, along with it, a sense of the characters). And
there are still some things I'd change, like that triple usage of "cliff" in
paragraphs two and four. Partly, I think that it's because doing it this
way is purely a technical exercise for me; I would *never* start a scene
with nothing but a setting; if it's mid-book, I already know who the
characters are and why they're there, and if it's the opening, I don't
consider it ready until I have some characters and a bit of plot to go with
the setting.


So there *is* a natural progression to the layers? And how would you
progress if all you had was internal monologue?

Keep doing these. I'm almost there ;-)

Catja



.

Relevant Pages

  • Re: Describing peoples
    ... The mountains rose abruptly from the plain. ... the line between cliff and plain. ... Christine shook her head, but then Diane pointed. ...
    (rec.arts.sf.composition)
  • Re: Describing peoples
    ... The mountains rose abruptly from the plain. ... transition from level ground to their sharp, ... the line between cliff and plain. ... base of the towering cliffs only served to make the contrast more stark. ...
    (rec.arts.sf.composition)
  • Re: What Software to Type Math In?
    ... characters when 10 will do is not a good idea. ... replace fonts; also, the user could even modify characters in ... division of labour in the process of typesetting your document. ... What is "plain text"? ...
    (sci.math)
  • Re: FBoFW 5/2
    ... and their eyes lock from across the room in a mutual sudden realization that ... It's as plain as the fact that suddenly Anthony is looking more ... characters don't change that much. ...
    (rec.arts.comics.strips)
  • Re: Custom dictionary still not working!
    ... I believe this is actually the result of an attempt to fix a different bug. ... The old bug was that the Custom Dictionary was coded to use ANSI text (plain ... Word 2004, of course, uses Unicode, not ANSI as its ... characters, and they thought the bug was fixed. ...
    (microsoft.public.mac.office.word)