Re: Synopsis, take II

"Catja Pafort" <usenet@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:1ha04tl.t7096r1s07lq8N%usenet@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> Better? Worse? Too vague? Not enough plot? I'm not happy, but since I
> still haven't got the faintest idea what a good synopsis looks like,
> this is the best I can come up with, and I need a decent synopsis to do
> the book justice.

Significantly better. It's much clearer and more comprehensible. It could
use some tweaking, but everything can always use tweaking.

> Ironically, it took about as long to write as the book itself.

> Not long after VALENDON opts for a quiet life on a remote farm - a place
> where he can read and cast spells without coming under close scrutiny of
> his fellow mages - he gets recalled to the academy in Kenuan to take
> part in an election for the ruling council, the Ofran, of his
> association of mages, the Black Ishtar.

Much better opening. It's still a very long sentence and a one-sentence
paragraph, and I'd like more of a hint of his reaction to the recall.
You're also still cramming in a few too many names, which you can spot
because they're almost all the same pattern: "The academy in Kenuan," "the
ruling council, the Ofran," "his association of mages, the Black Ishtar,"
and, in the next paragraph, "the new Ofran member, Benvar." That's four
proper names in as many lines, three of which follow exactly the same
syntax. You can't cut Benvar, and I think you need the Black Ishtar, but
this is the only mention of Kenuan in the outline; you don't really need it.
"Ofran" is arguable -- you use it a lot here, but really, it just means
"ruling council," and I don't think that it hurts the outline at all to
simply replace "the Ofran" with "the council" throughout. Remember, this is
a synopsis, not appendices. Clarity is preferable to flavor.

The other thing you want in a synopsis opening, which isn't currently in
this paragraph, is a bit more of a statement of the initial story-kick-off.
In this book, that's not Valendon's recall; it's the election itself. So
you need a sentence or two along the lines of "Valendon argues in favor of
a little-known provincial candidate [what he does at the election] because
he is angry over his peremptory recall [V's reaction], but the rest of the
council ignores him and elects BENVAR [more about council/election].
Valendon's anger quickly becomes dismay [reaction to election] when he sees
how Benvar handles his new position [implication of initial story-problem]"
Or "Bored by the politics and irritated by the recall [V.'s reaction],
Valendon casts his vote for BENVAR without giving the matter much thought.
[what he does at the election] He soon realizes he has made a serious
mistake. [Explicit statement of opening problem and V's contribution to it]"
Or "In his excitment over the election [V's reaction], Valendon is persuaded
to vote for BENVAR, even though he knows little about the man. [action at
election] Once Benvar takes office, however, he immediately begins butting
heads with Valendon [explicit statement of story problem]"

> The new Ofran member, BENVAR, shows little tolerance for Valendon's
> laissez-faire approach to rules and regulations.

I think you mean "casual approach." If you add a sentence or two to the end
of the previous paragraph as suggested above, you can trim the introduction
to either "The new council member" or just "Benvar." If you feel the need
for an introductory phrase, you can use "Once in office, Benvar..." or "From
the start, Benvar..."

>When Benvar in turn
> threatens to break the rules concerning the testing of mages to help his
> friend YAKO pass,

You can tighten this considerably: "When Benvar tries to bend the testing
rules in favor of his friend YAKO..."

>...Valendon fights to uphold the law and ensures that
> Yako is tested fairly.

I'd put a period after "law," and give Yako's test -- and his passing-- a
separate sentence. This would also be a good place to mention that Yako
dislikes Valendon, since that is relevant at the climax. "Yako passes the
test fairly to become a full-fledged mage, but develops a dislike of
Valendon as a result." Or "In a fair trial, Yako becomes a mage, but he is
suspicious of Valendon's motives."

>The incident causes him to realise that while he
> dislikes the limitations others would put upon his study of magic (he
> sees no reason to restrain his use of power) his behaviour is at least
> as much a threat to his Ishtar and way of life than Benvar's ambitions.

"...as Benvar's ambitions." I'd probably start a new paragraph here.

This is another rather long sentence that you can tighten and shorten and
clarify. Though I rather like the comments on Valendon's dislike of limits,
they really belong earlier (if you need them at all, which I don't think you
do). The main point here is that Valendon realizes that his dislike of
restraint and Benvar's ambitions have resulted in the same behavior -- a
disregard for the rules that has become a threat to the Ishtar and their way
of life. What you need to do is *say* that, and not get too involved in
subclauses.

> Mutual dislike of Benvar is bringing the other members of the Ofran
> closer together, and Valendon finds friends in two of the men he had
> previously despised, TASLIN and ITISH. With their help he begins to
> settle at the academy.

What does "settle at the academy" mean? That he decides not to return to
the farm? That the three of them are explicitly (or implicitly) in
agreement about shaping things up the way *they* want, rather than the way
Benvar wants? That Valendon is, through them, beginning to see value in the
place he'd previously preferred to avoid? That the three of them spend a
weekend moving Valendon's furniture into a new apartment at the academy and
getting it arranged comfortably?

> On finding the library locked up and in disarray,
> Valendon initiates a reorganisation and begins to take interest in the
> few remaining students the academy has. Through teaching, Valendon
> discovers new dimensions to power and its possible uses.

"Discovers new dimensions to power and its possible uses" is a bit vague,
but you don't need to be specific about that here. What you probably *do*
need is, again, Valendon's reaction -- what this *means* to him, how he's
starting to *change* -- "He is surprised and pleased to find that he can
make such interesting progress even without being isolated on a farm." "He
grudgingly admits, though only to himself, that he doesn't need to isolate
himself on a farm to make new magical discoveries." "He is, however, still
frustrated by the need to stay in town instead of going back to his farm."

You want this here because this is the first mid-story check-in on "how is
Valendon changing as a result of these events?" "What direction is he (and
the story) heading?" (If this were a plot-centered story, what you'd want
here is some statement indicating how the overall situation is getting
worse, despite the characters' efforts.)

> Meanwhile, a group of mages known as the Mages of Dhia seeks to remove
> Itish from his seat in the Ofran for neglect of his duties. Valendon
> cajoles his friend and rides with him to convince, cajole or threaten
> the Mages of Dhia into accepting him. On that journey, Valendon's
> understanding of the Five Kingdoms and his role as a mage deepens,
> leaving him more aware of his responsibilities and causing him to take
> renewed interest in the mages of his own kingdom, which are scattered
> and few. Valendon begins to question the way in which magic is taught -
> though a series of intense apprenticeships - and wonders whether this
> model is the best in serving the Five Kingdoms.

The purpose of the Magies of Dhia, which you state at the beginning of the
next paragraph, is not to get rid of a council member whom they dislike or
consider incompetent; it's "to increase their power by electing one of their
own in Itish's stead." And IIRC, they're pressuring Itish to step down, not
"seeking to remove" him (which implies that they're trying to force a vote
of no confidence, or something similar). Neither of these things is
terribly clear, the way you describe this.

I don't think you want to open with an explicit statement that the Mages are
trying to get one of their own elected to replace Itish. Also, this isn't a
"meanwhile" thing -- it's chronological, it happens just as Valendon is
getting up to speed with the library and students and so on. So I'd open
with something like that: "When Valendon discovers that his friend Itish is
being pressured to resign, he persuades his friend to make a journey..." or
"Just as he is beginning to enjoy teaching [reaction again], Valendon
discovers that his friend Itish is being pressured to resign his seat on the
council. Valendon persuades Itish to..." You can state that the Mages of
Dhia are behind the pressure (though see comments below), but you probably
don't want to give the real reason just yet, because that's something that
Valendon and Itish discover on their trip.

>Valendon
> cajoles his friend and rides with him to convince, cajole or threaten
> the Mages of Dhia into accepting him.

You have two "cajoles" in that second line. The main thing, though, is that
it isn't clear whether the Mages of Dhia are a secret organization, a well-
or little- known public organization, a rather pretentious way of saying
"Itish's constituency," or simply one of several factions within the Black
Ishtar. "During the ride, the two men discover that a secret organization
called the Mages of Dhia is behind the pressure. The organization is hoping
to increase their power by getting one of their own elected to the council
in Itish's place."

>On that journey, Valendon's
> understanding of the Five Kingdoms and his role as a mage deepens,
> leaving him more aware of his responsibilities and causing him to take
> renewed interest in the mages of his own kingdom, which are scattered
> and few.

"Which" refers to "his own kingdom," which is unlikely to be "scattered and
few." You want "who are..." I'd also suggest breaking this sentence in two
and tightening the latter half -- period after "deepens.", then "He becomes
more aware of his responsibilites and takes renewed interest..."

> Since their attempt to increase their power by electing one of their own
> as member of the Ofran in Itish's stead has been foiled, the Mages of
> Dhia attempt to seize control of the Black Ishtar by blackmailing the
> archmage to resign.

Sentence needs tightening. If you make the purpose of the Mages of Dhia
explicit (as something Valendon and Itish discover in the previous
paragraph), you won't need it here. "Since their attempt on Itish has
failed, the Mages of Dhia turn their attention to the archmage of the Black
Ishtar." Or "Since pressuring Itish has failed, the Mages of Dhia decide to
blackmail the archmage instead."

>Valendon and his friends are helpless in preventings
> this from happening and find themselves with a choice of three equally
> unsuitable candidates for the position.

Tighten again; this paragraph is the start of the summary of the Big Climax,
so it needs to be tight and specific. "When the archmage resigns (...is
blackmailed into resigning), Valendon and his friends are faced with three
equally unsuitable candidates for the position."

> In the course of his increased involvement with the Black Ishtar,
> Valendon has gained an understanding of the challenges it must face in
> the future, and although Yako dislikes him, Valendon believes that of
> the three candidates, he is the only one who might rise to the
> challenges of the future and ultimately keep the Mages of Dhia at bay.

You have two very similar phrasings in the same (long!) sentence:
"challengers it must face in the future" (line 2-3) and "challenges of the
future" in the last line.

> With that conviction, Yako unites the members of the Ofran apart from
> Benvar and convinces them to follow his lead in the election of a new
> archmage.

I think you mean "Valendon," not "Yako" in the third line from the bottom.

This paragraph is key; it describes the book's climax and resolution, and
you don't want it to fall flat. When you're describing the book's climax,
you want the focus to be even tighter and clearer than it is in the rest of
the summary. That doesn't mean you have to do a blow-by-blow description,
or even give everything away. It *does* mean that you want to tie things
together as tightly and succintly as possible.

The things you have to tie together in this synopsis are: 1) Valendon --
how he has grown and changed since the start of the story [because this is a
character story], and how those changes contribute to his successful
resolution of the climax, 2) the Mages of Dhia -- what they expect to get
out of this; what the stakes are; what constitutes "winning" on their part,
and possibly 3) other important named characters (Benvar, Yako) -- what
their importance is to the climax. In the case of this particular book,
you're also going against the fantasy trope that ends up with the hero
(i.e., Valendon) taking the big job out of a new sense of duty, or a newly
discovered interest in politics, or whatever. So you need to be extra-clear
to show that that's not a possibility here.

So what we need to know here is: Is one or more of these three candidates
clearly a Mage of Dhia (or one of their puppets)? Or are the Mages counting
on getting a weak archmage who won't suppress them (and how is that more
desireable than having an archmage they can blackmail, like the old one)?
(In other words, do the Mages really care which candidate wins, or will they
be happy with whichever "unsuitable candidate" gets elected?) Why is Benvar
apparently not supporting his friend Yako? Is Benvar in cahoots with the
Mages of Dhia, or is he a separate problem?

There are two possible approaches to this. The first is the sort-of
cliffhanger, where you don't actually give away the ending; the second is
the full-fledged and specific summary. What you've got here is sort of
half-and-half. Pick one or the other, and do that. In other words you can
*either* do "...faced with three equally unsuitable candidates. In order to
insure the future of his Ishtar and prevent the Mages of Dhia from achieving
the dominance they seek, Valendon must use every bit of his new-found
political and diplomatic skill to convince the other members of the council
to follow his lead in electing a new archmage." *OR* "...equally
unsuitable candidates. One is plainly incompetent, and Valendon knows that
the second is a puppet of the Mages of Dhia. The third candidate is Yako,
who is clearly much too young and inexperienced to be archmage. Despite his
personal dislike for the man, it is clear to Valendon that only Yako has the
potential to keep the Mages of Dhia at bay and rise to the other challenges
of the future. Therefore, for the first time in his life, Valendon sets
aside his personal feelings and acts out of duty and responsibility by
persuading the rest of the council to follow his lead and elect Yako as
their new archmage."

I would probably go with some more specific version, rather than the
semi-cliffhanger, on the grounds that you are defying a fantasy trope
(reluctant hero ends up In Charge -- as king, archmage, emperor, whatever),
and I wouldn't want an editor to buy the book thinking that Valendon ends up
winning as a surprise candidate. Normally, though, you could do the
semi-cliffhanger because the plot summary makes it clear that this is the
climax. (That is the chief thing editors look for in a plot summary, I am
told -- whether the story has an *ending*, or whether it just sort of peters
out.)

And now I really have to go back and finish the copy-edit...

Patricia C. Wrede


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