Re: CRIT: Synopsis, take II

Catja Pafort <usenet@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:

Much better! A few comments, mostly small things:
> Not long after VALENDON opts for a quiet life on a remote farm - a place
> where he can read and cast spells without coming under close scrutiny of
> his fellow mages - he gets recalled to the academy in Kenuan to take

Don't need to name "Kenuan" - perhaps "the capital" or "the city"
instead?

> The new Ofran member, BENVAR, shows little tolerance for Valendon's
> laissez-faire approach to rules and regulations. When Benvar in turn
> threatens to break the rules concerning the testing of mages to help his
> friend YAKO pass, Valendon fights to uphold the law and ensures that
> Yako is tested fairly.

Worth mentioning that Yako does pass, especially as he comes in again at
the end.

> sees no reason to restrain his use of power) his behaviour is at least
> as much a threat to his Ishtar and way of life than Benvar's ambitions.

as Benvar's

> Itish from his seat in the Ofran for neglect of his duties. Valendon
> cajoles his friend and rides with him to convince, cajole or threaten

Repetition of "cajole"

> the Mages of Dhia into accepting him. On that journey, Valendon's
> understanding of the Five Kingdoms and his role as a mage deepens,

Not certain you need to mention the Five Kingdoms.

> Since their attempt to increase their power by electing one of their own
> as member of the Ofran in Itish's stead has been foiled, the Mages of

Tempted to say "has failed" - one word less and it's in the active mode,
not that the latter is normally something I care about.

> Dhia attempt to seize control of the Black Ishtar by blackmailing the
> archmage to resign. Valendon and his friends are helpless in preventings

preventing

> In the course of his increased involvement with the Black Ishtar,
> Valendon has gained an understanding of the challenges it must face in
> the future, and although Yako dislikes him, Valendon believes that of
> the three candidates, he is the only one who might rise to the
> challenges of the future and ultimately keep the Mages of Dhia at bay.

First time through I thought "he is the only one" referred to Valendon;
second time through I thought Yako; then I couldn't work it out at all.

Also, that's a very long sentence.

> With that conviction, Yako unites the members of the Ofran apart from
> Benvar and convinces them to follow his lead in the election of a new
> archmage.

"apart from Benvar" is slightly ambiguous. If you mean "unites all
except Benvar" then "unites the majority of the Ofran" might be clearer
(though it does seem a bit more self-contradictory...). Or do you mean
"unites them in opposing Benvar"?

I also wasn't clear on what exactly the last phrase is referring to.
Convinces them to vote for the same person as him? Convinces them that
yes, we need to elect a new archmage? Convinces them to vote for him as
a new archmage? Convinces them to vote for Valendon as new archmage?

If the result of the election is made clear in the book, it should be
clear in the outline; not knowing is really bugging me at the moment!

But I think the structure of this is much clearer than before, and shows
an actual, comprehensible story happening that we can follow with
interest.

Zeborah
--
Gravity is no joke.
http://www.geocities.com/zeborahnz/
.