Re: Beautiful woman want to be your wife

Z. S. Edwardson wrote:


Well, welcome aboard, and I apologize for starting out with by
chastising instead of saying Hi.  Are you a writer? (or wannabee, like me?)

If you're having any kind of discussion, try to make sure your quotes and attributions go together. You didn't attribute the inane comment above to its author.



Well I write, but I am unpublished, though I will be sending out my
first submission at the end of the month (yea!)

Good luck. It's always wise to let somebody you trust take a final critical look at your product before it leaves your hands. I'm learning this with a degree of permanence, right now. 

I am a 26 year old county planner in the mountians of NC.  I read a lot
of nevin, asimov, clark, donoldson, and any other science fiction and
fantasy writer I could get my hands on.   For years I was a heavy
reader, but didn't write since I have dysgraphia, but after sloging

Sorry about the Dysgraphia. I don't know what he has, but I know that Piers Anthony suffers a reading disorder, which has probably had the net impact of forcing him to become a more serious student, and more prolific writer. Perhaps you will create a similar idiosyncratic fortune.

though and getting an masters degree, I relized that with much vetting, 

---Snip---

will be more good then tripe (and hopefully Google Groups will post
this thing)

You might consider typing your longer posts in a text file, spell checking them, and then pasting them into the browser window. I should also do this. 

-------------------------------------------------------
"Have you heard the wonders of Gerif?"
	The merchant looked at the man asking the question, eyes going narrow.
The man before him was young, weathered by no more then fifteen
winters, tall, broad-shouldered, with a flair of red hair on top of his
head, and an unfashionably clean shaven face. Looking over the man's
attire, he could see the rope used as a belt, and snorted, another
wondering priest to annoy him.
---------------------------------------------------------

When you want a critique of your writing, write CRIT: at the beginning of the subject line. I think 500 words is the nominal limit, although most of us use that as a guideline.

> -------------------------------------------------------
> "Have you heard the wonders of Gerif?"
> 	The merchant looked at the man asking the question, eyes going narrow.

[The merchant narrowed his eyes and stared at the youth.]

<It's a very rare person who can look fifteen and still be called a man, most places.>

> The man before him was young, weathered by no more then fifteen
> winters, tall, broad-shouldered, with a flair of red hair on top of his
> head, and an unfashionably clean shaven face.

[Too young to be called a man, yet weathered beyond his, perhaps, fifteen years by winters in the open; the tall, red-haired youth with the unfashionably clean-shave still needed filling out to match his broad shoulders.]

<bit of a run-on, but it has the filter of the merchant's perspective, which to me makes it richer.>

> Looking over the man's
> attire, he could see the rope used as a belt, and snorted, another
> wondering priest to annoy him.

[He wore threadbare rags and a rope for a belt, the uniform of the ritually indigent. The merchant snorted.

Another wandering priest sent to annoy him.]

<a rope for a belt, in itself, may speak of penury, or forgetfulness, or even be a personal style statement. I opted to be more explicit. Then, I chose to make the wandering priest statement stand alone, as a punch-line.>

Don't take any edits I applied as corrective. They are just an alternative way of looking at your product. Other people on this newsgroup are far better prepared to dissect what you wrote.

On the measure of: would I continue reading? Maybe. The situation has some intriguing features, but the presentation put me off a bit.

--
Bill Swears

Ever Inappropriate, always contrite, and now... Ironic!  How cool is that?
.

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