Re: This is what I do while you psychos are here

Sherrie Lee <sherriel383@xxxxxxxxx> wrote in
news:1189536138.257115.7630@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx:


Diana <Diana_of_the_h...@xxxxxxxxxx> wrote
innews:Xns99A53DF4B72F1Dianaofthehuntexcite@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx:

Hiding here:

[Sherrie, I didn't get very far in replying to your detailed &
thought provoking crit. Just know that I'm thankful for your
comments. I'll print it out so I can write comments during the day]

Is the title _Deluge_?

I left off the title because I'm not sure what to call it anymore.
Parts of the poem are similar to the old poem, just more fleshed out,
but other parts are completely different.

But it needs a title, dammit! ;)

So, I'll have to give it some thought.


(Whine)

Is this a subtitle? The effect is good, showing as a
parenthetical thought/expression as though silent/unspoken yet
self-conscious, setting the tone.

Yup, it's a subtitle. ("silent/unspoken yet self-conscious", yes.
That's a good way to put it.) I was unsure as to whether I wanted to
leave all of them out, though. The subtitles were useful to me when I
was grouping themes of text around. Does the first part seem enough
like a "whine" to leave it out? And even more than that, are the
parenthetical subtitles distracting?


I read of a poet's near-death falls
in greener years, and compare my own

no comma before 'and'
comma after 'own' unless the strength of the new line suffices
in the sense that after 'own' the reader "falls" into the next
line to 'find'

find kinship in the searching,

comma after 'find' if no comma-type pause was meant to follow
'own' of the previous line; although, there is a complicated
line dancing happening which could be thought ambiguous at the
same time as it could be thought a clear communication of
simultaneous events.

Thanks for the help with the punctuation. And "Line dancing" made me
smile.


no comma after 'searching'

in how to raise an animal soul.

a new punctuation needs to be invented because there is clearly
communication happening where, were the comma after 'searching'
was to be preserved, linebreaks do more than serve to pause.

Yes. (to punctuation and pause)

I definitely wanted a pause after "searching" because I didn't
necessarily want the idea of the last two lines of the strophe to
bleed into each other so quickly. It could be read as:

find kinship in the searching in how to raise an animal soul

but also as:

find kinship in the searching
in how to raise an animal soul

thus highlighting "searching" created by the pause from the
linebreak, or comma and linebreak.

The higlighting adds subtlety to the meaning.

There seems to be intentional attention brought to the line
breaks and commas where it is possible to perceive an
exaggerated focus on the idea of 'falls' as in falling from one
line and into the following line.


Do you mean associating the intended meaning to be congruent with the
way the actual text falls from line to line?

******
I'll also write my thoughts on the Britney thing tomorrow. I hadn't
seen her performance on the VMA's but it was very easy to find on the
internet.

You asked what I've learned from you: <very briefly because I'm
nearly head down on the keys>Almost most recently, it has to do with
your post in "The Sound of One Foot Stomping" thread. I'll write
about it tomorrow.


.

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