Re: I'm a bit tipsy so don't be too hard OK
- From: "verity" <verity.gray@xxxxxxx>
- Date: 16 Jul 2006 12:37:28 -0700
Vera wrote:
"verity" <verity.gray@xxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:1152917753.504409.188190@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I wrote this poem tonight & I don't think it's too bad for someone with
no artistic talent
I enjoyed writing it anyway; please be constructive in your criticism.
Oh let's all jig & let's all sing
Let's play our games & do our thing
There's darkness & emptiness in store
For everything & evermore
For everyone, the race is run
The time is passed, even the Sun
Will one day shine no more
And all your elegance & wit
Your cleverness won't help a bit
Your going down with all the rest
The worst amongst us, and the best
We'll all go down, go down one day
So what's it matter what you say
You've still the final test
For what we know, we know so well
Is that we're dying, bound for hell
You think there's heaven, just you see
You weren't so different wannabe
And all your effort, all your pose
Won't alter nothing in repose
You'll be where we'll all be
The fights you fight, the senseless classes
A few mad moments, some quick dashes
And trudging through the filthy mire
To reach your hopes, burning desire
It's all too late, you didn't live
And now there's nothing more to give
Your body's for the fire
All your jokes, your foolish worries
All your houses cars & monies
You'll never get to take the cash
Whether meek or whether brash
If Life's a game or worthy quest
That won't help you, cursed or blessed
It's all clay earth & ash
The wasted time, the shattered dreams
The ruined lives, the useless schemes
You try & live as you intended
Least said & soonest mended
Worry more or worry less
Think you know or try to guess
It's all the same, when it's all ended
It rhymes anyway, is that a bad thing nowadays?
It's about life & angst & all that poety stuff. Red wine is my next
subject. ;o)
I read your poem to its end and read it again.
You have the makings of a poet. Your rhyming shows that
you put a /lot/ of effort into this work.
Study modern verse to know what is expected today --
avoid cliches, such as: "shattered dreams" "burning desire". .
Modern poetry is rarely straightforward. You have to express feelings in
a new way, in active form (if possible).
I'll help you further--
COME TO ME
by Pio Manoa (Figi)
Published in Poetry Magazine, 1966
Come to me when the wind howls
and the waves wildly battle and break thunderingly
upon the sand.
Come to me when the rain drops
crash threateningly upon the tin roofs and overflow
flooding;
Come when the earth creeps,
slides, loosened by thorough drenching;
when the streams rise and turn to rebellious torrents
gushing
from the hillside
amassing
with speed to greatness until
they roar deafeningly like the vast, bold, bursting
Niagara;
When rocks tumble from the steeps,
breaking, burying. . .breaking, burying helpless plants
When lightning
shocks and splits the sultry sky, turning
blood and spirit sickly, cold.
Verity --
This is only half of the poem. Anyway, I consider it a bit long
for its subject.
Note that the writer doesn't state his sentiments in plain words.
Regards,
Vera
Thank you so much Vera, I have to admit that I didn't put much effort
into it, I wrote it down striaght in about 20 mins & then changed about
3 lines.
I'm not good at tinkering, I think poetry & usually can't write a thing
if I try unless I am a b it tipsy. I really don't have the patience to
think about form metre etc.
I suppose I'm more a lyric person, I also think in terms of tunes.
You seem a decent sort but on-line I've found you have to be able to
chill while taking flak - people are so funny really. :)
.
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