[TVwoP] Karate Kid: The Most Unnecessary Remakes Ever
- From: weberm@xxxxxxxxxxx (Ubiquitous)
- Date: Mon, 14 Jun 2010 17:35:44 -0500
There's a difference (albeit a small one at times) between a bad remake
and an unnecessary one. Certain classics could have benefited from
updated special effects and more modern, tight-paced storytelling, but
simply fell short due to studio meddling, an inadequate director, a
miscast star, or what have you. (Planet of the Apes, for example, has
the trifecta.) But others, like this week's Karate Kid, just don't have
anything creative to gain from an updated telling. Here are the Karate
Kid's fellow egregiously unnecessary remake offenders.
Gus van Sant is a gifted director, which is why it was odd that he
decided to do a shot-for-shot remake (but in color, for some reason?) of
such a beloved and near-perfect classic. Then it was even more puzzling
that he chose to cast Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates and Anne Heche as
Marion Crane (the shower victim), two enormous downgrades that made no
sense to anyone. Unless you were in need of a miscast version of the
exact same movie, this remake was undeniably unnecessary.
Swept Away (2002)
Yes, because people were just clamoring for Madonna's take on an obscure
Italian movie no one in the U.S. had ever heard of. Even better to
finally see her play an entitled, obscenely wealthy hosebeast. Is there
anything she can't play? Seriously, can we make a law banning her from
playing characters in movies?
The Shaggy Dog (2006)
If the reason for remaking this dated family film was that the
technology finally exists to make a dog tongue hang out of Tim Allen's
mouth while he runs through Mayberry half-clothed, that's some pretty
thin reasoning. Even Freaky Friday had the good sense to skip the CG
altogether and update their script with Crypt Keeper jokes. It's not
like we're asking for a lot here.
You know what's considerably less interesting than watching a guy bed a
lot of women in 1960s London, as it turns out? A guy bedding a lot of
women in 2004 London. Add to that the fact that Jude Law ain't no
Michael Caine, and you have quite an underwhelming remake, and one that
zero percent of the population even asked for in the first place.
The Pink Panther (2006)
Why can't famous actors who really love certain classic movies just
leave well enough alone? You don't have to remake something to honor it.
And yet, Steve Martin, Jean Reno and Kevin Kline remade The Pink Panther
with the abhorrent Shawn Levy as director, replacing all the panache and
charm of the original with hackneyed slapstick and Beyoncé. Way to
update it, guys! We always thought the original was missing a merciless
assault on Peter Sellers' grave.
City of Angels (1998)
What it lacks in Wings of Desire's socio-political contemplations,
thoughtful Cold War setting and beautiful black-and-white
cinematography, it more than makes up for in bike accidents and ghost
sex. So maybe we're wrong, but it still seems superfluous.
The Longest Yard (2004)
The Longest Yard was a movie so bad, so lazily unfunny and such a
toothless incarnation of the original that the nation's reviewers
actually got their hackles up to defend Burt Reynolds' legacy for the
first time in a couple of decades. If Adam Sandler and Chris Rock tackle
Smokey and the Bandit at any point in the future, Metacritic is just
going to explode.
The Women (2008)
A movie about how uncontrollably gossipy the female gender is can be
quaint and adorable in a 1939 setting, back when they didn't know
better, like how people are always casually drunk driving in film noir.
But making the exact same movie (though they do have jobs now -- fashion
jobs!) in 2008 and replacing Joan Crawford with Eva Mendes? That's
practically a senseless hate crime.
The Wicker Man (2006)
While we'd ordinarily welcome any opportunity to pay money to see
Nicolas Cage be ridiculous, why, exactly, did this movie need to be
updated? Because the first one didn't have a helmet full of bees in it?
Nicolas Cage can run around screaming in anything (and he does!); this
didn't need to happen to facilitate that.
It is simply breathtaking to watch the glee and abandon with which
the liberal media and the Angry Left have been attempting to turn
our military victory in Iraq into a second Vietnam quagmire. Too bad
for them, it's failing.
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