Re: for writers

On 30 Aug 2006 15:10:23 -0700, arnicapublishing@xxxxxxxxx wrote:

Dear writers,

I work as an acquisitions editor for a mid-sized publishing house, and
I've decided it's time to set you straight on how to submit your
book for publication. Here are five easy tips to know if what you're
sending us is crap.

1) Artwork. First off, no publisher wants to see your artwork unless
you're a professional artist. That means someone who has gotten paid
in the past, not just someone who feels like their artwork is really
good. And we don't want to see your artwork unless it is 100%
relevant to the book. If this is an illustrated children's book and
you are not an illustrator, we don't want to see it. If you've
written a novel, please don't send us your sketches of what you think
the protagonist looks like when she's sixteen. And please, for the
love of all that is holy, don't send us clippings cut directly from
Modern Divorcee or Nose Week or any other magazine. That's
plagiarism

No, it is not.

and that's wrong... which brings me to my next topic.

2) Plagiarism. We're better-read than you.

No you're not. You've read a certain body of work and you *think* that
makes you well read.

Honestly. It's our job.

No, it's not. Your job is to eat canapes at boring parties.

We read a lot. If you send something to me that looks suspiciously like
something Ken Kesey or Emily Dickinson wrote, I will know.

Yes, so make sure to plagiarise something a bit less run of the mill.

And if
you've cut and pasted words that aren't yours in the middle of a
text, I will know. It stands out.


No, it doesn't. We don't come with a bank of words. Sometimes a writer
has been reading the Reader's Digest or something and uses a word they
poorly understand to show off. ***, most "good" writers do that, let
alone the poor ones.


3) Submission guidelines. Holy ***. Do you know what happens to your
manuscript if you send it without a self-addressed, stamped envelope?
It gets pitched. How about the three-ringed binder you send us with
your screenplay? It gets pitched. How about the chocolate truffles you
send with your manuscript? We eat the candy and pitch your manuscript.
We aren't well-paid and truffles are sooo delicious... but it won't
help your cause. Send us a box with unstapled, unformatted pages. Nada
mas. Comprende?

I think they've mostly grasped that one by now.


4) Coming for a visit. Have you ever thought that maybe your manuscript
would have a better shot if you came in for a visit to our office?
Maybe you hop downtown on your scooter or carpool with hitcharoo.com,
and you come in to ask us why we rejected ***-Muffin Brown-A
Children's Tale (I am not making this title up). First of all, you
will never see an editor. At best you will get a cordial reception by
the desk clerk asking if you've made an appointment. At worst,
security will walk you out and we'll never open another piece of mail
from you. Either way, please don't come down here. Especially if you
smell like patchouli oil, garlic, or Jägermeister.



Why would anyone want to be published by this arsehole anyway?

Luckily, most people in publishing are a lot nicer than this. To your
face, anyway.

5) Threats. Not cool. Don't write "You'll be sorry if you don't
publish this," or tell me that you know where I live. You don't.
But your home address is on the return envelope.

It's easy to find out where you live. I wouldn't forget that when
you're being an arsehole to people who are clearly unhinged, if I were
you.


Good luck with your fantastic next book!

Good luck with your impending layoff.

--

Dr Zen
King of the wild pixels.
http://gollyg.blogspot.com
.