McCain Explains Everything

For those wondering what McCain really thinks about things and why he
thinks them, here's the transcript of my very own exclusive interview
with McCain

edward ohare
Senator McCain, before I ask specific questions, I'd like to ask you
what you think the number one issue of this campaign is.

John McCain
I think the number one issue is... ah... well, the War on Terror

eo
OK, that's a good enough place to start. So how is the War on Terror
going?

JM
There's been some setbacks... obviously... its been harder than we
thought. But we did capture Hussein and have him executed... Baghdad
is quiet a couple of nights a week... we've made great progress!

eo
But Hussein had nothing to do with terrorism!

JM
Yes, he did.

eo
How?

JM
Now, edward, I've been a Senator over 30 years, and I can tell you
that I can't tell you.

eo
Why?

JM
Military plans are secret

eo
Don't see that they're secret. In 2 3/4 years from 1941 to 1945, we
drove 10,000 miles across the Pacific and beat Japan. After five
years, we can't even keep Baghdad quiet more than a couple of nights a
week.

JM
That's not true

eo
What part?

JM
Well, if you take the hours per week Baghdad is quiet at night, divide
by 6, and round up, you're find its quiet almost every night.

eo
What kind of math is that?

JM
I can't remember the name of it... Ronaldnomics or something... but
its where you can take a set of numbers and make them look like they
match even though smart people know they don't.

eo
Enough of that. OK, so what would you do to win the War on Terrorism

JM
For starters we need to keep fighting.

eo
Well, it seems to me that perhaps the "Fleet in Being" concept is now
applicable armies now that they're mobile and that we've violated that
concept by deploying our full army to Iraq. That's why other
countries are making nasty noises because we can't do anything about
it with our army tied up.

< for readers http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fleet_in_being >

JM
Fleet in... what?

eo
Sir, its a Navy concept, explained by Rear Admiral Alfred Thayer
Mahan.

< for readers http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfred_Mahon >

JM
Ah... I never met him.

eo
Senator McCain, you couldn't have...he died before you were born.

JM
Really? I thought there wasn't anyone older than me!

eo
Yes, others wonder that.

JM
It was a joke

eo
I didn't catch it.

Onward! So you didn't learn about strategic concepts while you were
in the Navy, I can see. What is the most important thing you learned
from your military experience?

JM
Don't get captured.

eo
Well, yes, I can see that's important on an individual basis but ..
never mind...

Why did you pick Sarah Palin as your running mate?

JM
She's an able executive.

eo
Some question whether running a State with a population that would
make it the 77th ranked metro in the US isn't much experience.

JM
But she's been doing it for 20 years!

eo
Uh, no, sir, that's 20 months.

JM
Really? I must have lost track of time.

eo
People say you picked her because without her you couldn't get the
vote of the religious right... they'd stay home on election day.

JM
It is true that she has some appeal with people who,,, believe in...
stuff.

eo
How does this square with your recent ads saying you'd promote stem
cell research.... the religious right says that's playing God.

JM
Well, those are my ads. Sarah's fans won't pay any attention to them.

eo
Could be lucky for you if that's true.

So, you needed a VP who would appeal to the religious right. Why not
Mike Huckabee

JM
He's taller than I am. The President needs to be taller than the VP

eo
That's a shallow reason.

JM
OK... its because Sarah's a better shot than *** Cheney.

eo
Better shot or not, my contacts in the religious right say that after
you and Sarah are elected, they're going to go home and pray for God
to kill you so Sarah can be President. What do you think about that?

JM
I plan on not going hunting with her.


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