Re: The Annual M-F Awards

It's still MoFo to me!

trudogg wrote: 
With 2006 upon us, the voices in my head and I decided this would be the
perfect time to study the behavior of politicians and pundits last year
and inaugurate "The First Annual M.F. Awards." It's a contest of sorts
wherein the person with the most awards gets crowned "M. F." of the
year. Get your minds out of the gutter, dear readers (my own has dibs).
I'm talking biggest Miserable Failure of The Year. So, let the AWARD
ceremony begin.

THE "DUMB AND DUMBER" AWARD goes to George W. Bush for this gem: "The
war in Iraq has been vary difficult. More difficult than expected." Two
words: "General Shinsecki."

THE "BLIND MAN'S BLUFF" AWARD goes to George W. Bush (who's taking an
early lead, here). When asked by NBC'S Brian Williams if BushCo. was
wrong in expecting to be "welcomed as liberators" in Iraq, Bush opined.
"I think we are welcomed. But it was not a peaceful welcome." Shock and
awe has a way of putting a damper on things, don't it?

THE "NIGHT OF THE FRISKY DEAD" AWARD goes to Tom DeLay for commenting on
brain-dead Terri Schiavo: "She talks and she laughs and she expresses
likes and discomforts." Apparently, he was watching an episode of
"Veggie Tales" instead of her hospital video.

THE "BE NICE TO MOTHER NATURE" AWARD goes to Rush Limbaugh, who summed
up the Republican push to drill in Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife
Refuge thusly: "If you put together a video of ANWR, you would see
nothing but snow and rock. It is no place anybody's ever going to go.
The wildlife that lives there wishes it didn't, but it's too stupid to
figure out how to move anywhere. They don't have moving vans sent to
their places like people in Philadelphia do when they want to get out of
someplace. This is absolutely absurd." Russ also cheered when Bambi's
mother died.

THE FORK-TONGUED AWARD GOES to George W. Bush who stated: "It's up to
Congress to show the American people that we have the capacity to
de-fund programs which don't work, and fund programs which do work."
De-fund? Wow! He's invented another word for his duh-ictionary.

THE DELUSIONAL AWARD goes to Donald Rumsfeld who declared: "We don't
have an exit strategy. We have a victory strategy." He was playing with
his new X-Box at the time.

THE "IT'S A MISERABLE LIFE" AWARD goes to Dennis Hastert who, while
pushing a bankruptcy bill that favored credit card companies and crushed
the middle class and the poor, declared: "Those who abuse the system
make getting credit more expensive for everyone. Bankruptcy is for those
who need help, not those who want to shift costs to other hardworking
Americans." Hastert would go into bankruptcy for his dinner bills alone
if he worked at a factory.

THE "IT'S GREAT TO BE AN AMERICAN" AWARD goes to George W. Bush who, at
a town hall meeting in Nebraska, encountered a divorced single mother of
three children, one of whom was mentally challenged, and was forced to
work three jobs. Said Bush: "Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that
is FANTASTIC that you're doing that." Yeah, and "Roots" was a real
knee-slapper of a mini-series.

THE "MR. WIZARD" SCIENCE AWARD goes to George W. Bush who, en route, to
one of his gasbagging gigs, remarked: "And flying in, I saw a lot of
people on tractors. It's a good sign. But it reminded me about what is
possible when it comes to reasonable energy policy. See, one day I hope
that those tractors are planting fuel so we become less reliant on
foreign sources of energy." Yes, let's plant oil seeds, shall we?

THE ADMINISTRATION'S HINDENBURG AWARD. Three words: Social Security
Overhaul.

THE RUNNER-UP TO THE ADMINISTRATION'S HINDENBURG AWARD. Two words:
Harriet Miers.

THE DONNA REED DOES DALLAS AWARD goes to Laura Bush who joked about
George: "He's learned a lot about ranching since that first year when he
tried to milk the horse. What's worse, it was a male horse." Not funny,
Laura. He's been jerking us off since his coronation.

THE "MY FREUDIAN SLIP IS SHOWING" AWARD goes to George W. Bush who
actually said: "See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things
over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of
catapult the propaganda." Incoming!

THE "WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE" AWARD goes to the Republican Party's
top lobbyist Jack Abramoff whose multi-faceted investigation will do for
the Republican controlled Congress what Hurricane Katrina did for New
Orleans.

THE CRY-BABY AWARD goes to former Republican California Rep. Randy
"Duke" Cunningham who, when caught with his hand in a half-dozen cookie
jars, yachts and mansions confessed his guilt before TV cameras and
cried like a girly-man.

THE RIP VAN WINKLE AWARD goes to Senator John Kerry who, every so often,
wakes up and says something relevant but in such long-winded, sonorous
tones that he puts everyone else to sleep.

THE NYAH-NYAH AWARD goes to *** Cheney who, bristling over an Amnesty
International report showing that the U.S. tortures its prisoners,
quipped: "Frankly, I was offended by it. For Amnesty International to
suggest that somehow the United States is a violator of human rights, I
frankly don't take them seriously." Fortunately, nobody takes Cheney
seriously, either.

THE MOST HACKNEYED PHRASE OF THE YEAR AWARD goes to all Republicans who,
in terms of the Iraq fiasco, state: "We're fighting the terrorists over
there so we don't have to fight them over here." UH, until we invaded?
There were no terrorists there, clowns.

THE DUMBEST THING KARL ROVE HAS SAID, YET, AWARD goes to Karl Rove.
"Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 in the attacks and prepared for
war," he slimed, at a speech before conservative yahoos, "liberals saw
the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and
offer therapy and understanding for our attackers." Karl? Take two
aspirins and call your lawyer in the morning.

THE DUMBEST THING A MILITARY MAN HAS EVER SAID ABOUT IRAQ CASUALTIES
AWARD goes to Lt. Gen. Steven Blum, in charge of National Guard forces
in Iraq, who stated that the dangers faced by Guard troops have been
largely exaggerated and that's why not many kids are signing up. "I
lose, unfortunately, more people through private automobile accidents
and motorcycle accidents over the same period of time (as the Guard has
been deployed in Iraq)." Okay, maybe play Jan and Dean's "Dead Man's
Curve" and you'll get more cannon fodder volunteers, idiot.

BEST CHRISTIAN QUIP OF THE YEAR AWARD goes to Colorado Republican House
knuckle-dragger Tom Tancredo who said, re: foreign terrorists attacks:
"If this happens in the United States and we determine that it is the
result of extremist fundamentalist Muslims, ...you know, you could take
out their holy sites." Sniff. And that's why the world loves us.

BEST Q AND A AWARD goes to George W. Bush who, replying to a reporter
saying "But power is perception," quipped: "Power is being President."
Modest little monkey, isn't he?

THE MOST HACKNEYED PHRASE ABOUT IRAQ AWARD goes to George W. Bush who,
every six minutes, says: "As Iraqis stand up, we will stand down."
Great. War as "Simon Says." Next year? Look for Iran and Twister!

THE WORST PARADE EVER AWARD goes to Donald Rumsfeld for this creative
idea: "Every year since the Sept. 11 attacks, Americans have
commemorated that anniversary. This year the Department of Defense will
initiate an 'American Supports You Freedom Walk.'" People had to sign up
to get into the parade. Their credentials were checked upon arrival.
They were given patriotic T-shirts if they passed muster. Unfortunately,
not too many turned out for this festive event in the land of the free.

BEST HURRICANE KATRINA HEADLINE AWARD: After New Orleans was under
water, a wire-service headline proclaimed: PRESIDENT CUTS VACATION SHORT
TO RETURN TO WASHINGTON. Apparently, Bush was still too engrossed by the
book "My Pet Goat" to notice anything was going on.

BEST SEPARATED AT BIRTH AWARD goes to Homeland Security Chief Michael
Chertoff and "Tales From the Crypt's" host The Crypt Keeper. That would
explain why FEMA, under Homeland Security, allowed so many people to die
when Katrina struck. Chertoff was talking about Avian Flu at a
previously scheduled event while New Orleans was under water. He didn't
declare Katrina a national disaster for 36 hours. Scary stuff.

THE "LET THEM EAT DEBRIS" AWARD goes to George W. Bush for this
explanation as to why there'd been a delay in removing debris in
hurricane zones, largely populated by the poor and retirees. "They
didn't want to be moving federally-paid dozers on private property.
Imagine cleaning up the debris and a person shows up, and says, where's
my valuable china? Or, where's my valuable art?" If you're on Food
Stamps? You're not gonna have many Picassos lying around, Junior.

THE BEST SUMMATION OF CONGRESS HEADLINE AWARD goes to this nifty blurb:
"Congress seeks to slash food aid for poor."

THE BEST "HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE, AGAIN" HEADLINE AWARD goes to this wire
service story: "Bush touts economy." Two days later, it was revealed
that the U.S. poverty level has risen for five straight years.

THE BEN DOVER AWARD goes to Democratic Senator Joe Lieberman who has
been kissing Bush's ass so much he now buys his Chapstick in bulk.

THE DUMBING DOWN OF DIPLOMACY AWARD goes to Condoleezza Rice, who
explained, before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, the
intricacies of Iraq: "Our strategy is to clear, hold and build. The
enemy's strategy is to infect, terrorize and pull down." Guess who's
winning, kid? Pull this.

THE DOUBLE O DUBYA AWARD goes to George W. Bush who, not happy with
being the Bumbler-in-Chief, decided to become a spy guy, illegally
getting the NSA to monitor international and domestic phone and computer
chats and spy on the United Nations. Chirped our spymeister: "I just
want to assure the American people that, one, I've got the authority to
do this; two, it is a necessary part of my job to protect you; and,
three, we're guarding your civil liberties." Translation: It's good to
be the King.

THE MERRY CHRISTMAS AWARD goes to Bill O' Rielly who, enraged that
people say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas," railed: "I am
not going to let oppressive, totalitarian, anti-Christian forces in this
country diminish and denigrate the holiday and the celebration. I am not
going to let it happen. I'm gonna use all the power that I have on radio
and television to bring horror into the world of people who are trying
to do that." He, then, French kissed a loofah.

SO, THE WHO ARE WE FIGHTING, NOW? AWARD goes to George W. Bush who, in
the past three months, has identified our enemies in the Iraqi war as
rejectionists, Saddamists, terrorists, Bathists, foreign fighters and
al-Qaeda. By February, he'll be tossing in the Amish because they're
"sneaky looking."

THE DEFINITION OF "IRONY" AWARD goes to Michael Brown, the former FEMA
head who transformed New Orleans into Atlantis. Shortly after leaving
FEMA he announced he was opening a consulting firm, selling his
expertise on emergency preparedness. Next month: Charles Manson teaches
grade schoolers how to whittle.

THE DEFINITION OF "IRONY" RUNNER-UP AWARD goes to FEMA...which, on its
web site, lists Hurricane Katrina as one of it's three greatest
accomplishments of 2005. Way back when, Mrs. O'Leary's cow referred to
the Chicago Fire as "my defining moment."

THE "AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH" AWARD goes to George W. Bush who, at a
recent press conference, charmed reporters with "I'll repeat the
question. If I don't like it, I'll make it up." So, what else is new?

THE "HALLMARK CARD" AWARD goes to Senator Bill Frist who, visiting
tsunami-ravaged Sri Lanka, advised one of his staff photographers to
"Get some devastation in the back."

THE "LAW AND ORDER" AWARD goes to "The Book of Virtues'" author Bill
Bennet who stated: "I do know that it's true that if you wanted to
reduce crime, you could, if that were your sole purpose, you could abort
every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down."
Happy Kwanzaa, Bill.

THE "DOCTOR KILDARE MEETS X-RAY SPECS" AWARD goes to Senator Bill Frist
who diagnosed Terri Schiavo's condition without actually visiting her.
"I question it based on a review of the video footage which I spent an
hour or so looking at last night in my office. She certainly seemed to
respond to visual stimuli." Shortly thereafter, he gave mouth to mouth
resuscitation to a log. Amazingly, it didn't respond.

THE "WE'RE GOING TO DISNEYLAND" AWARD goes to Tom DeLay who, visiting
hurricane survivors bivouacked at the Astrodome, smiled at three
youngsters. "Now tell me the truth boys, is this kind of fun?" Yeah, and
Hiroshima was a laff riot.

THE "WAR IS HECK" AWARD goes to Donald Rumsfeld who summed up many
Americans' revulsion towards the Iraqi invasion thusly: "Death has a
tendency to encourage a depressing view of war." Gee, ya think?

THE "CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENT" AWARD goes to *** Cheney who, back in May,
declared: "I think they're in the last throes, if you will, of the
insurgency." At May's end, the American death toll in Iraq was 1667. As
of this writing, it's 2178. Boy, is this guy good or what? He's even
better with his tin foil hat on.

THE "YOU'RE TERMINATED" AWARD goes to California guvuhnator Arnold
Schwarzenegger, who forced a special election down Californians throats
and had all four of his ballot initiatives go down in flames. Kind of
like "The Last Action Hero" did at the box office.

THE "MOTHER OF MERCY" AWARD goes to Barbara Bush who, visiting hurricane
victims housed at the Houston Astrodome, cooed: "What I'm hearing, which
is sort of scary, is that they all want to stay in Texas. Everybody is
so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the
arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway so this (chuckles) -
this is working very well for them." Yow! She probably ate the "Nun
bun," too.

THE STENOGRAPHER OF THE YEAR AWARD: a tie between Judith Miller and Bob
Woodward. Get me re-write! There's an actual fact in this story!

THE WORST INTERVIEWER IN THE WORLD AWARD goes to CNN's Wolf Blitzer who,
while interviewing Jimmy Carter, asked Carter IF the bogus intelligence
spewed by BushCo. had been true would Carter have supported the Iraqi
invasion. This is closely akin to asking "If Godzilla was fighting
Mothra outside your house, would you be scared?" Sheesh!

THE "ME, ME, ME" AWARD goes to Senator Joe Biden (who apparently bunks
out on the set of "Meet the Press") who has the tendency to answer every
question with "As I've always said," "If you remember, I've always
maintained," and "When I was on the show last year, Tim, I pointed
out..." Oh, stop it. No way in hell are you going to get the nomination,
Sparky. Just Chill.

THE "UH-OH" AWARD goes to George W. Bush for this statement: "This
notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply
ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the table." The guy
knows how to work a room.

THE BIGGEST LOSER OF THE YEAR AWARD goes to America's favorite stooge
Ahmed Chalabi who, after feeding bogus intelligence to BushCo. in order
to justify the invasion of Iraq and after envisioning himself as a power
player in the new Iraq, wound up getting diddly votes in the last
election, thus assuring him a one-way ticket to Palookaville. Maybe he
and Judith Miller can team up and take their ventriloquist act on the
road.

THE "MAKE MONEY WORKING OUT OF YOUR OWN HOME" AWARD goes to Senator Bill
Frist...whose blind trust was actually 20-20.

THE "I'D LIKE TO GIVE THE WORLD A COKE" AWARD goes to Ann Coulter for
quipping: "The government should be spying on all Arabs, engaging in
torture as a televised spectator sport, dropping daisy cutters wantonly
throughout the Middle East and sending liberals to Guantanamo." She then
broke into the classic Disney song "It's A Small World, After All."

THE NOTSO INTELLIGENT DESIGN AWARD goes to Pat Robertson for referring
to those who believe in evolution as "fanatics." "I mean, it is a
religion. It's a cult. It is a cultish religion." You're the expert,
Pat.

THE "FREEDOM FRIES" AWARD goes to Dennis Hastert who re-named the West
Lawn's "Holiday Tree" the "Capitol Christmas Tree." He also re-named
Bush's pardoned Thanksgiving turkey -"lunch."

THE "FOOT IN MOUTH DISEASE" AWARD goes to Dennis Hastert who, shortly
after New Orleans was destroyed by Hurricane Katrina, questioned
bothering to rebuild the city. "It doesn't make sense to me," he said.
"But you know, we build Los Angeles and San Francisco on top of
earthquake fissures and they rebuild, too. Stubbornness." Talk about
your compassionate conservatism!

THE WORST RETRACTION EVER AWARD goes to Dennis Hastert who got his ass
kicked for the above statement. His retraction, however, basically was
the same statement, adding that rebuilding the city without doubling or
tripling New Orleans' levees "probably wouldn't be very smart." At
present, the government is replacing the old levees with duplicates of
the old levees. Ooopsie.

THE HOUSE LEADERSHIP AWARD goes to Dennis Hastert who, after calling the
House into a special session to pass a Katrina relief package, skipped
out on the actual vote to attend a political fund-raiser in Indiana and
an antique car auction.

THE "MY BUDDY" AWARD goes to "Hardball's" Chris Matthews who summed up
Dubya by gushing: "Everybody sort of likes the president, except for the
real whack-jobs on the left. I mean, I like him personally." Stalin was,
supposedly, a real charmer, too, Chris.

THE CLASSIC BUSH CARES ABOUT THE TROOPS HEADLINE AWARD goes to: "Bush
Teleconference With Soldiers Staged." Ooops. Mission Accomplished.

THE "CAUSE AND EFFECT" AWARD goes to George W. Bush in this classic Q&A.
Question: "Why do you think bin Laden has not been caught?" Bush:
"Because he's hiding." Thanks, Sherlock.

Drumroll, please. Naaah. Never mind. I don't think we have to actually
count the votes to give our M.F. award, gang. It's pretty obvious. Yes,
ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the biggest Miserable Failure of
2005 prize goes to our esteemed President of the United States, George
W. Bush. Why don't we all drop him a line and tell him that we're proud
of him? Simply Google "miserable failure" and hit "I'm feeling lucky."
You'll be taken directly to the White House web site!

I get teary-eyed every time I do that.

Then, the anti-depressants kick in and I'm fine.

God bless America. God help us all.

Source:
http://mkanejeeves.com/?p=171 

--
	-Seancito

	-Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. (Sigmund Freud)
.

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