Birthday parties: How to stop shakedowns of "guests"?

Dear Margo: Can you give me some guidance regarding how to respond to
a strange request? A friend we see occasionally got engaged six months
ago. He’s quite the social butterfly and has a ton of acquaintances. A
couple of months ago, his fiancee sent an e-mail to 20 friends and
acquaintances soliciting money for a surprise 50th birthday party
she’s planning to throw him! I casually ignored the request, assuming
she would see the error in her ways. Well, she didn’t, because she
just sent out another request today that reads as follows:

"OK, guys, it’s about that time to start gearing up for the Surprise
50th Birthday Party and ROAST. I really appreciate you guys wanting to
help host this ‘Party of the Year.’ The budget comes out to be a
contribution of $300 each. (It would have been more if we hadn’t
changed the event to a BYOB.) Please let me know when I can expect
your contribution; the sooner the better so I can place deposits with
the vendors."

Margo, she is incorrectly assuming that everyone wants to help host.
Can you tell me how to respond to someone who has no manners, not to
mention a clue? — Running from the Party

(snip)

So far, there are 97 responses. Maybe I should read those first.
(Margo's response is pretty cowardly - why couldn't she just suggest
saying "you're joking, of course. What's the real invitation?")

At any rate, it occurred to me that maybe the problem lies (somewhat)
less with clueless adults trying to host adult parties (though not in
the fiancee's case) than with the vicious cycle that's getting worse
and worse and that starts with the parents of young children. What I
mean is, if a child gets a birthday invitation from his best friend,
but the birthday boy's parents are asking the children's parents to
pay for the restaurant/show/laser-tag-game that so often accompanies
modern kids' parties, what are the parents of the "guest" supposed to
do? Tell the child he can't go because "we don't accept social
invitations that really aren't" as if any small child understands
that? Take the child to the party and then take him home after the
cake, thus guaranteeing your child will accuse YOU of being "the bad
guy" for not coughing up the cash like all the other parents? Or drop
off the child with no cash and hope the "hosts" will pay so you can
say to them afterwards: "You expected ME to pay? Surely that was a
typo - you're the host, right?"

Obviously, none of the above sounds safe to do. All I can think of is
trying to meet with all your kids' friends' parents as early in the
school year as possible and trying to come to a mutual agreement so
these shakedowns don't happen. Otherwise - here's my point - kids will
grow up surrounded by shakedown artists and will have NO understanding
of why they shouldn't do this themselves or why modest hospitality is
far less shameful than being grabby. It's happening already, with
otherwise well-mannered teens and adults in their 20s.


I have to say, I can't remember the last time Miss Manners tackled
this particular problem of "hosts" of children's parties who want to
entertain above their means. Maybe it happens far less with small
children's parties than adult parties. (The last one I DO remember was
relatively simple - the "guest" couldn't attend anyway, but the mother
of the birthday boy still felt her son was entitled to a gift and kept
asking when it was coming. Obviously, as MM said, the thing to do was
simply say : "He didn't attend your son's party, so he's not giving
anything.")

Lenona.

.

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