Re: Kids Group Birthday Party - Potluck

In article <d5f7eb5d-5ed5-4c4f-a7f2-826beacfa856@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>,
Barbara says...

On Jun 26, 8:46=A0pm, Banty <Banty_mem...@xxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
In article <FZidnQqow8cFsvnVnZ2dnUVZ_gedn...@xxxxxxxxxxx>, Ericka Kammere=
r
says...







Beth Kevles wrote:
"I'm so sorry! =A0We'd really love to come, but it's a bit too expensi=
ve
for us to manage. =A0Could we invite your family over for a visit
instead, and give him our gift then?"

=A0 =A0I'd be cautious with this. =A0There's nothing inherently
impolite about it, but whenever you give a reason for declining
you run the risk that they'll argue with you over it, or start
trying to nickel and dime your "excuses" away. =A0Sometimes you're
better off just to say you're sorry but you won't be able to
attend. =A0Then repeat ad nauseam, if needed. =A0That can annoy
people to, but at least it doesn't give them fodder for an
argument. =A0If you give a reason, go in prepared with how
you'll respond if they come back with a counter proposal
("We'd hate to miss you. =A0Tell you what, we'll take care
of X so you can come." =A0Now, are you stuck going and bringing
the food for the potluck and whatever else is not X? =A0Where's
your line?) =A0Also, even if they don't start making offers,
you can open yourself up for all sorts of criticism ("Well,
you could afford X. =A0Isn't Johnny as important to you as X?
Surely you could afford it if family was a priority...")

Yeah, Ericka's right - while I totally agree with the sentiment, when I r=
ead
that I could just picture the hostess hanging up the phone saying "phewww=
www - -
CHEEEP". =A0 =A0Then calling up whomever else in the family and saying "d=
o you know
what SHE SAID?? =A0She said...>>ahem<<< =A0get this get this - she said :=
:putting on
haughty voice:: 'it's a bit too expensive for us to manage' =A0CAN YOU
IMAGINE??!".

I'm exaggerating for effect, of course =A0;-)

I've learned not to say things too pithy in these kind of situations, wha=
tever
the temptation. No quotable quotes. =A0Don't try to make any points about=
the cost
or rudeness. These kind of statements should be dry, simple, straight, an=
d in a
pleasant voice. =A0Repeat as necessary. =A0If a reason is asked, give a n=
on-reason
like "we just won't be able to make it this time".

Its not that I disagree with you. Its that the SIL told OP about the
party months ago, and OP tentatively agreed to come. That leaves her
open to *Can you believe her? I TOLD her about the party months ago,
I TOLD her to hold the date, and now she tells me that she can't make
it.* Unfortunately, without the background, that sounds like SIL has
a valid complaint. Rock, meet hard place.

Well, with folks like that, there's *always* a hard place. It's not like
they've gone through life taking all the knocks for what they do, deciding they
deserve it! Even without the hold-the-date thing, the other spin would be "can
you imagine - she says she can't afford it? I'm trying to put together
something FUN for the KIDS! Has she ever heard of COOPERATION, has she ever
heard of SHARING THE LOAD, has she ever heard of HELPING FAMILY?!" Then, if the
OP's family has made a recent large purchase or taken a family vacation in the
past two years a notch above a camping trip, *that* will be brought up next.

There's a spin for everything. They give you a downside whatever you do.

Hold-the-date is not a committment. Many things other than arranging or
agreeing to another engagement enter in whether or not to come to something.
(But of course a lot of people dont' understand that; but then it's part of this
whole deal where they don't understand other things, like why not to have
everyone invited underwrite a party for one.)

So the best way to handle it is simply, without explanations (unless there's an
obvious one like a family illness everyone knows about). It also helps to get
out of the habit of 'splainin' everything, getting the inappropriate folks out
of one's business to begin with.

Not, BTW, saying I know what the SIL in question would do or say, of course.


Frankly, if this is SIL as in your husband's sister (as opposed to
your brother's wife), I'd make DH deal with it.

Ideally.

Banty

.

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