Re: Sibling rivalry

"Chookie" <ehrebeniuk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
Of course. It's stealing. What would you do to her if she shoplifted?
You
would insist upon an apology, return of the item, and then something
painful
(eg withdrawal of some privilege).

I was looking up stealing yesterday on google and got some good ideas of why
they do it and some consequences, because you're right it is stealing. I got
some decent ideas.

I also think you have to look at what you've been doing up until now.
Exactly
what response is NOT working?

We have put in place for her to ask permission to go upstairs first, which
in the last few days I have made sure I am aware of her where abouts in the
house and questioned why she is going up there. We had an incident last
night that she was able to go up there (#1 said it was okay) and she
proceeded to make a huge mess in the bathroom. Then the fights started and I
went up and made her clean it up and come back down. However, it wasn't as
simple as that because she argued with me and just stood there while I kept
repeating to clean up her mess. Unfortunately, I had to call DH to come up
because she wasn't listening to me and I couldn't physically remove her. He
came up and she got down to business. I can't always rely on hubby though
because then she won't take me serious. So, that particular incident didn't
go well.

I might have misunderstood, but my impression is that you didn't treat her
invasions of her sisters' rooms very seriously, and it has escalated to
taking
their things and trashing their rooms.

Probably not. In the past, I was trying for them to settle their differences
on their own. I also felt that every single time #3 wanted to be with her
sisters, they would be verbally mean and say she couldn't be with them and
she would be left out. I was trying to get them to let her come up once in a
while and set her up for something positive, but they get too frustrated too
quick and she would break the promise of leaving stuff alone and won't leave
when they ask. But, now I am going to be more involved and make sure that
she leaves when asked, etc.

But, what if it doesn't get ruined like #3 takes a shirt and wears it to
school without asking? Going into sisters' rooms without permission? This
is
what I need help with.

She needs to wash, (mend? iron>?) and return the garment in as-found
condition
or better. She needs to apologise to the owner both for entering the room
without permission and for stealing the garment (and to you, because she's
disobeyed you as well). And she needs to do a little something extra as
another deterrent. I suggested impounding another article of her clothing
for
the same period it takes to have the stolen item washed, etc.

Okay, that sound good.

Well, this is the crux of it. Does your daughter know that what she's
doing
is wrong? Can she control her impulses? You do prevention mainly when
you
can't answer yes, as in the case of small children. Prevention for older
children IMO is more not leaving temptation in their way. Something odd
is
going on if an 11yo can't keep herself out of other people's bedrooms.

I agree. I first need to sit down with her and talk with her about these
things and then put the rules into place. Right now, we are all over the
place.

Well, her restitution would have to be made in other ways. But I am
rather
concerned -- is she ruining things through ordinary
carelessness/clumsiness,
or is it deliberate, hurtful destruction?

I am pretty sure it is hurtful destruction/deliberate because deep down I
think she is trying to get them back for leaving her out and not playing
with her anymore.

--
Sue (mom to three girls)


.

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