Re: Sibling rivalry

"Chookie" <ehrebeniuk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
I can see the following things:

#1 an #2 are good friends. This is great. In Australia, an 11yo would
still
be in primary school while the other two would be at high school together
and
probably closer as a result. Is that part of your dynamic?

Yes, they are all in separate schools right now. Next year, #2 and #3 will
be at the same school.

#3 is less socially adept, shall we say, than her sisters were at the same
age, to the point that you are worried about it. Do you have access to a
school counsellor to help you work out if she's just a bit less mature or
whether there is something else going on?

I feel she is definitely less mature for her age. We do have a school
counsellor. I could ask if there is anything they could do.

#3 argues much more about chores than the other two. Are all the girls
doing
age-appropriate chores, the older you are the more responsibilities you
have?

They all switch off doing chores around here. The two oldest are responsible
for her own laundry.

How are the arguments settled? Why is it worth her while to argue? What
is
she getting out of it?

I am not sure. She doesn't get out of the chores, but she argues and
tantrums everyday about doing them. I usually send her to her room until she
can control herself and then she still has to do the chores.

Exactly how are the older girls 'mean'? Can it be prevented? For
example,
might there be a part of the evening when they are not allowed to hide
upstairs and you all play a board game or watch TV together?

They can be physically mean by punching or hitting and/or they can say mean
and hurtful things. It could be prevented if we were all in the same room
together, but most of the time this happens when they are downstairs playing
on the computer or watching TV. Usually what happens, is that the older two
girls are occupied with something (computer, TV, reading) and #3 will come
down there will be nothing for her to do except start playing the piano or
annoying them. Then the older girls get mad because she is making too much
noise when they are in the middle of a show or something. #3 will get mad
and then sometimes the girls will get physical and then #3 comes up crying
because she got hurt.

Your older two girls are getting away with disobeying your bedtime rules.
Part of their disobedience means that they are keeping #3 awake
downstairs.
How are you planning to deal with that?

I am not sure yet. Staggering bedtimes seems to be the consensus. I would
like to have a family meeting and discuss possible solutions to this.

How much is PMS a factor in all of this? Do the girls all cycle together?

Oh it could be a huge factor. Yes we all cycle together (poor hubby). #3 has
not started yet.

Do you know what they find difficult?

Not yet, but someone suggested that they be able to write down to me what is
annoying them and see if I can fix it. This will be my plan of action next.

There might be a bit too much talking about the Golden Rule and not enough
*pointing out of practical examples* with #3. She is having trouble
understanding what "being nice" means, I think.

You are probably right about that. What kind of examples could I give her?

You will have to enforce with #3 that she is not allowed another person's
bedrooms without an express invitation (and ditto for her room, of course,
and
your own bedroom as well). The punishments for infringements should hurt;
>the girls are all entitled to their own space, their own friendships, and
for
their own things to be left undisturbed. I would guess that this is a
good
part of their dislike of #3 -- but you should ask them. Would she be
doing
something like reading their diaries, for example?

I don't know how to stop #3 from staying out of their rooms. This is what I
need help with.

Are you expecting #3 to occupy herself a LOT of the time? Too much time?

Probably. She isn't very good at it and she seems to need a lot of people
time. She doesn't like to be alone, which is different from the rest of us.
The rest of us seem to like to be alone more than she does.

--
Sue (mom to three girls)


.

Relevant Pages