Re: A Room of One's Own

Akuvikate wrote:
On Feb 15, 11:48 am, Ericka Kammerer <e...@xxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:

I think that all depends. Yes, if my kids wanted to
save money by living at home and going to college locally,
then we could work something out, but we'd have to have some
clear ground rules about how that was going to work out.
If my kids decided not to go to college and wanted to live at
home and work, they'd be paying rent and there'd be a limited
amount of time that option would be open to them (under normal
circumstances). If they think they can make it in the world
with only a high school education, then they're going to need
to get on that, not have their parents subsidize that choice
for an unlimited period of time.

I've always thought it somewhat of an American oddity to have children
pay their parents "rent". I have no quibbles at all with the idea
that grown children contributing to the economic (and logistic)
functioning of the household. I'd rather have them do some of the
grocery shopping, or cover the utility bills, or some such -- it's
just semantic, but charging your my own child rent would seem strange
to me. But then, when I was in my mid-20s and living at home for two
years my parents hardly let me pay for a gallon of milk, so clearly
different families are different.

To me, the situation to avoid is the one where grown
children are permanently ensconced at home sponging off their
parents with little movement toward independence. So, I wouldn't
charge rent to the child home while pursuing his or her education,
or the child who had to move back home due to an emergency or
some such situation. However, if I had a child who was basically
goofing off and using living at home simply as a way to avoid
taking full responsibility for becoming a self-sufficient
adult, then I'd be looking to remove the subsidies at home.
Hence the statement that I wouldn't be looking for rent from
the child who was living at home and attending college, but
would be looking for rent from the child who had no intention
of attending college (or forming some other concrete plan for
getting on the road to self-sufficiency).

Personally, I don't think it's great to have kids at
home for long periods of time after high school. Most kids
need to spread their wings in a way they won't really do at
home. I think it's *possible* to make a good transition, but
it's very difficult. I think it's better for kids to get out
unless there's a compelling reason to do otherwise.

Though of course that depends a lot on the kid and the family. I
moved cross-country for college because I couldn't wait to go
somewhere as new as possible. But then between that, a semester
abroad, and Peace Corps in Africa I also moved back in for a total of
3 years after college (in addition to coming home over college
breaks). My brother, on the other hand, just wasn't ready to be out
on his own at 18 and so lived at home while going to junior college
for three years. Those three years were quite important for him and
he probably wouldn't have done nearly as well in college if he left
the house and started a four-year right at 18.

But in both cases, you had a plan and were making progress
toward the future of becoming a self-supporting adult. That, I
think, is quite a contrast from the person who graduates high
school, doesn't feel like going to college, gets a dead end job
to buy stuff now, and wants to subsidize his or her artificially
inflated lifestyle by living at home rent-free. If your plan is
that you can make a go of things without further education and
without some kind of career plan, then it's time for you to start
learning how to live on the income you've set yourself up to
produce.

I loved the time
living with my parents as an adult -- I felt like that was when our
adult relationship really formed and flourished. And though I'm not
sure if I felt "entitled" to live there, I don't remember if I ever
really even had to ask. I think it was just taken for granted by all
of us that if I didn't have reason to be elsewhere, that's where I'd
be. Perhaps it would have been different if we didn't live in one of
the most expensive housing markets in the country.

Housing is very expensive around here, and I did live
with my parents during breaks from college, but it was always
a matter of filling a gap between steps along the way in a
path that was heading towards independence.

I forget the recent statistic, but it's becoming quite common for the
transition from living at home to independence to become a back-and-
forth process for many young adults. Some see that as a step
backward, but the American pattern of this sharp cutoff between being
a part of one's parents' home and then suddenly not is something of a
cultural outlier (and I suspect also something relatively recent in
history). I don't think there's an inherent superiority in one way or
the other, but the more fluid transition of parent/child obligations
appeals to me more. There isn't really a switch that gets flipped
between "dependent" and "independent". And eventually, the parents
may well become gradually more dependent on the children. It makes
sense to me for both of these transitions to evolve naturally rather
than on some preconceived timeline.

The question to me is less about whether people live
with family or not, but whether they are taking responsibility
for themselves and their choices. I know too many parents whose
children take shameless advantage of them. The children make
choices to get themselves into a lifestyle they can't afford
to support on their own, and then the parents have to step in
to provide housing, child care, or whatever other support is
required. I think the parents are owed something by their
children, and that includes children making their absolute best
effort not to be a burden on their parents once they're capable
of standing on their own two feet.

Of course there are situations that come up despite
everyone's best planning, and you deal with those as they happen,
but I think the parents should be able to do the things
that they've put off for all those years as part and parcel
of raising children. If they want to travel, they should
travel. If they want a guest room/office/library/whatever,
they should have it--it's their house, after all. They should
be able to play with the grandchildren when they *want* to,
not on a schedule determined by their children's needs or wants.

Obviously, I would step up to the plate to help out if my
children needed it (as my parents would do for me), but I hope
to bring up children with the skills and work ethic they need
to make good choices so that they *can* stand on their own
two feet and so that I'll be able to do for them because I
*want* to, not because they'll be in trouble if I don't.

So, I hope to goodness that my children will become
adults who want to live nearby so I can spoil my grandchildren
rotten, but I also hope that they will be thoughtful and
industrious so that they will be able to care for themselves
and their families. My parents were caught in the so-called
sandwich where they were dealing with kids in college and
elderly parents with rapidly failing health at the same
time. I'm used to living in an extended family situation,
and I would gladly care for my parents should that need
ever arise. At the same time, the fact is that having been
through that, my parents are highly motivated to make plans
so that their children won't have to provide elder care for
them. I think the situation works best that way--they don't
want to impose, but we'd be more than happy to help (and
have the wherewithal to do so because we've learned to take
care of ourselves and then some). Similarly, we work to
be able to stand on our own feet and plan for our retirement
so that we won't impose on our children, but would be more
than happy to help our children in a pinch. I hope our children
will work hard to be able to care well for themselves and
their families. If we all work hard to do what we can to
take care of ourselves, others will be that much more willing
to help when there really is a need (not to mention their
resources won't be tapped out and they won't be burned out
when and if that need arises).

Ultimately, therefore, I want the incentives I
provide to my children to line up with what I hope for
their futures. We'll gladly provide a home (or whatever
is needed) to support them in case of emergency or
to help them get an education or work a career path that
will get them somewhere. If they become adults who want
a home (or whatever else) without having a plan for the
future, there may well be some strings attached.

Best wishes,
Ericka
.

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