letting older kids decide

Hi all. I haven't posted here in ages but I used to be a frequent
visitor. I'm mainly on rec.equestrian now, for the last 7 years. I
have a question about your opinions on this matter... Riding helmets
and 17 year old kids.

I own a horse boarding and lesson facility. My daughter used to wear
a riding helmet when she was aged 5 to 11. I didn't force her to, it
was just something you did at that age, basically. Around age 11 we
started riding with some relatively big name (around here anyway!)
stockhorse/western trainers. Most western riders, especially 7 years
ago, do not wear riding helmets. I never wore one. My daughter
stopped wearing one since nobody else we were around did. I didn't
think it was that big of a deal. She wasn't jumping (although of
course simply falling from horse-height without even moving can result
in a serious head injury...)

Anyway, fast forward to now. I wear a helmet after a head injury I
suffered in 2003 coming off a horse. I don't ride a lot because of my
hip dysplasia. My daughter is almost 17. She is a GREAT rider. She
rides her own horse, her self described love of her life, and she
rides for me for pay (in lieu of an allowance), keeping my lesson
horses tuned up and putting training on sale horses and evaluating
horses for clients. In general she is a very goody-two-shoes kid, who
is very safety conscious, always the "bad guy" with her friends who
are driving since she's always on their case to slow down, wear their
seatbelts, etc, very against illegal drug use, that sort of thing. I
have allowed her to be very independent in part because that's the
easiest way to raise her - she is extremely oppositional to things I
might want her to do that she does not agree with or want to do, and
she's been that way since she was old enough to express her opinion
(say, 3 months... ;-)

I'm lucky because the things that really matter to me - like, we don't
lie or break the law or litter or destroy the environment or be mean
to people or shoplift or anything like that - are also things she
agrees with. But it's absolute heck trying to get her to do a chore,
and I have to do a lot of negotiating, as in I'll drive you to the
movies after you clean the kitchen or whatever. I mainly give her a
lot of her own time and I don't impose a lot of chores on her because
she's so busy with school (she's in a bunch of groups and is a Friday
Night Live Mentor and is in all the AP and Honors classes) and because
what I'd really prefer her to spend her time on is riding horses for
me since I can wash dishes but I can't ride nearly as well as her (due
to the hip dysplasia.) Anyway, just a bit about her personality...
and mine.

So, given this environment, I just decided a week ago to not allow her
to ride horses (hers or for me) unless she wears a riding helmet. I
saw a video, "Every Ride, Every Time" and I have been worried she'll
get a head injury and she won't be able to realize all her life's
goals. It's unlikely, but it's not like it happens and you say shoot,
rewind that and I'll do it again with a helmet this time... Anyway,
she is not happy with this rule, to put it mildly. She is extremely
angry with me and has given up riding.

I had a feeling she would be resistant to wearing a helmet - we have
talked about it somewhat over the past few years - but I had no idea
it would be this bad. I mean, come on, she's a total safety freak...
I thought if the choice was she wouldn't be allowed to ride her horse,
she'd give in and wear one. But she flat out refuses to wear a riding
helmet and as such will no longer ride her horse. She says they are
uncomfortable and give her headaches. In all honestly she has always
been a very sensitive child - sensitive to her clothing and the
lighting in a room and noises and all that. And she's currently
battling migraines that have been debilitating on several occasions,
so she is sensitive about what she puts on her head. This rule I've
come up with has affected our relationship quite a bit - she argues
with me constantly about it, saying things like she could die or get
hurt anytime, anywhere, regardless of if she's on a horse or not, why
do I let her go to the state fair when she might get jumped or shot,
why let her ride in a car at all since they are dangerous even with
seat belt use, etc etc etc. She has stated she will not ride horses
until she's 18 and can move away, and obviously she won't ride for me
anymore either, and I can't emphasize enough how badly that will
affect my business. She is a GREAT rider.

She has suffered some abuse in the past and she is always on the edge
of being badly depressed. Horses are her only outlet.

I posted on the horse newsgroup and so far the replies indicate I'm
being too hardnosed about this - she is almost an adult, and this
might be a big wedge that affects our relationship from now on. I
don't want that. I have never made her wear one. Nobody she rides
with (trainers or peers) wears one. So, is it within my rights to
make this rule at this juncture? Or do I just have to realize that
these sorts of things are now beyond my control (and I should have
made her wear one from the beginning, just like seatbelts...)? What
do you think?

thanks!
cindi

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