Re: Rude or am I expecting too much?
- From: "nimue" <cup_o_cakes@xxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Thu, 14 Sep 2006 01:32:56 GMT
eliz_reid@xxxxxxxxx wrote:
Banty wrote:
But I think all that's needed is a little discussion with the child
afterwards about gift acceptance.
<...>
That takes time, effort, and some growing up, and I don't think it's
the kind of thing some punishment instills very well.
I tend to agree that punishment doesn't work very well. It's just
that so far it's the only thing that works at all. We've had many
little discussions (keeping in mind that he's only four) about gift
acceptance and how it's not right to ignore people when they say
"hello" to him, with zero impact. When you say that that's all
that's needed, are you implying that it's likely to make some sort of
discernable difference in his behavior? It's entirely possible that
deep down inside he's absorbing these lessons and at some later
developmental stage they'll re-emerge, but right now I've got a
four-year-old who, if greeted by someone he doesn't know very well
(like, unfortunately, his grandmother) will look right through the
person with a cold stare like he's an eighteenth-century gentleman
cutting someone dead. If he acted shy people would probably be more
tolerant of it, but since his demeanor sort of projects, "I know
you're saying hello to me and frankly I could not care less,"
people's feelings really get hurt. This may or may not really be what
he intends to be projecting, but at some point this has got to stop,
and so far punishments are the only thing which seem to make any
difference at all, although not as much as I'd like.
If the punishments aren't really working, you should try another tactic.
Just for the record, this is a child who can be really sweet and
affectionate when he genuinely likes someone. I don't think I'm
raising a larval sociopath, just a kid who doesn't overflow with
goodwill towards all men. Which is fine, but part of growing up is
learning to *pretend* to be friendly at least for a minute when
someone says hi to you!
He'll learn it. Maybe he is shy and this is his way of showing it. When it
happens, you can tell him that it wasn't nice and that it hurt the person's
feelings and that you know that he is a nice boy and doesn't want to do
things like that. You can ask him why he does. Maybe you will learn
something that will help you handle this situation more effectively. Maybe
not. Still, just reinforce that you believe in his ability to overcome
whatever causes this, that you know he will be more sensitive to others'
feelings, and more polite. I find that when you tell kids something good
about themselves, they want to live up to it.
Beth
--
nimue
"As an unwavering Republican, I have quite naturally burned more books
than I have read." Betty Bowers
English is our friend. We don't have to fight it.
Oprah
.
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