Re: Rude or am I expecting too much?

eliz_reid@xxxxxxxxx wrote:
Barbara wrote:
eliz_reid@xxxxxxxxx wrote:
toypup wrote:
<eliz_reid@xxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:1158161231.169350.198940@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I've had a lot of trouble coming up with reasonable and effective
consequences for this behavior, especially where simple hellos and
goodbyes are concerned. At least where presents are concerned, he
knows he can't keep the present unless he delivers an appropriate
thank you, although this doesn't help in cases where the present
isn't something he wants in the first place.

I did have an incident when we were visiting IL's. Those visits
tend to wear the kids out, because we are somewhere everyday. We
visited some friends of their family and he was given a football.
It was time to leave and he was very tired and grumpy and said he
didn't like it -- wouldn't aplogize, wouldn't say thank you. I
don't spank. Other than taking away his priveleges from him, I
wasn't sure of a good course of action for him. Taking away
priveleges doesn't seem to work very well. He occasionally gets
in such a mood where he is rude to visitors or hosts. At home, we
can send him to his room. That's not a good solution when the
guest is leaving and we are trying to get him to say goodbye, as
it is hurtful to the guest. Any suggestions?

None from me.. but I sympathize, the hardest cases are 1) when the
present isn't desired, 2) there aren't any "good" presents
associated with it to threaten to withhold, and c) it's in a
high-pressure situation where removal from the scene isn't
practical. I have to admit, I was just thinking that probably the
traditional punishment for this kind of thing is spanking, since
it's really hard to come up with a natural consequence for failing
to thank for undesirable presents from people you rarely see. I
don't spank either, but I'm at a loss for something else to do.

Well, I don't necessarily believe that the only consequences of a
child's actions have to naturally flow from that action. In this
case, however, I would caution my child that he would not be
permitted to receive *any* presents until he was able to demonstrate
that he could accept *all* presents -- whether or not particularly
desired -- gracefully.

Actually, I do say that. What I find, though, is that when there
aren't any other presents imminent - like, they're not in the room and
tomorrow's not his birthday or Christmas - his behavior isn't
affected. I can say, "If you don't say thank you for this present,
you can't get any presents," and he'll say, "I don't *want* any
presents!" He's not terribly materialistic, so the abstract threat
of never getting any presents again doesn't mean a lot to him unless
it's likely to have an impact in the very near future.

I've been thinking about staging some rehearsals of this for him since
that might be the only way I can effectively address it. I might have
a trusted friend give him a "bad" present, and when he doesn't thank
her for it, we show him another present he would have gotten had he
said thank you.

That is totally manipulative and does not resemble any situation he would
encounter in real life. I think he would resent you for playing games with
him. I think the best course of action is to model the behavior you want to
see, then discuss it with the child afterwards. When you get a gift,
enthusiastically thank the person. Afterwards, talk with your child about
how your reaction made the gift-giver feel good and how that, in turn, gave
you happiness, too. Let the kid see how a person't reactions affect those
around him and come from a place where you are appealing to his best
instincts and strengths.

Repeat until he offers appropriate thanks for the
first present spontaneously. I don't know, though, he may well
realize that this is an awfully contrived situation so the behavior
might not carry over, or he may react even more inappropriately if
he's given a "bad" present, says thank you, and doesn't get a good
present.

Beth

--
nimue

"As an unwavering Republican, I have quite naturally burned more books
than I have read." Betty Bowers

English is our friend. We don't have to fight it.
Oprah


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