Re: How to handle whining and crying?
- From: toto <scarecrow@xxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Thu, 14 Sep 2006 23:26:41 GMT
On 14 Sep 2006 08:08:56 -0700, "Cathy Weeks"
<kathyspam@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
I don't know how the whining started, exactly. We don't give her what
she is asking for if she whines. We've also always tried to comfort
her if she was upset. I'm guessing it's an attention getting thing,
too.
So how do I get her to quit being so whiny and crying, without making
it seem like she's getting punished for her emotions?
For the crying:
You may want to be very proactive in teaching self-calming techniques.
Your first defense is heading off things before the situation starts
to deteriorate.
Prevention: give choices; say yes when you can (yes ? you can have
a cookie after dinner); use skills you?ve learned (e.g., leaving the
house, give warning, transitional object).
We do want to help kids identify and name their feelings. But we
really want to teach our kids how to cope with their feelings. These
are life skills. The emotionally literate child is more likely to be
successful in school, at work and in interpersonal relationships.
Emotional intelligence helps safeguard children from drug and alcohol
addiction, eating disorders, aggressive behavior and depression.
When we pay more attention to certain emotions we see more of it
(e.g., your child falls down and looks to Mom to see if they should
cry).
The Self-Calming Plan
1. Acknowledge and name the feeling (just knowing someone is
empathetic helps)
2. Set limits (its okay to be angry but hitting the cat is not okay)
3. Offer self-calming choices (limit two for young children)
Six Categories
Audio/Verbal
listen to calming music, sing a song, talk to someone sympathetic
ear), listen to water, use your words
Visual
look at/read a book, look outside, go to your happy place, watch an
aquarium
Creative
draw a picture (mad picture), make something (craft or cook), write a
letter (journal), write/draw on paper and throw it away
Self-nurturing
get a hug, get a snack (hungry? ? low blood sugar; careful, don't just
offer food as substitute), take a warm bath
Physical
(these ideas can be better than a time-out) run, shake (hands or all
over, like a wet puppy), relax muscles (melt like a snowman), breathe
(pretend to be a balloon and then blow bubbles), hug yourself, hug a
critter, playdough, float like a feather, massage
Humor
watch a funny video (funniest animals), make silly faces, read a funny
book, find humor in a situation
**Use different calming techniques for anger, versus anxiety, versus
sadness.
**For frustration with toys, ask what you can do different next time.
**With younger kids, experiment with what works. For older kids, don?t
forget to communicate ? ask them what works.
Pick out a couple of self-calming techniques to suggest ahead of time
(for, or with your child depending on age). Observe your child. They
may have come up with something on their own. Consider the types of
stress. You may want to offer different self-calming choices for anger
or frustration than you would for being anxious.
What could we do different next time? Talk about it when both of you
are calm.
Kids go through three stages as they learn self-calming skills:
1. They learn the activity itself. If a child can?t do the activity
easily when calm, asking him/her what to do when upset will increase
anger or frustration rather than decrease it.
2. They notice that doing an activity changes how they feel.
3. They realize that they can use a specific activity to intentionally
change how they feel.
A note on teaching breathing out anger or frustration. You can use
these games to help your child learn to regulate his or her breathing:
Ballooning
When you balloon, you breathe in (deeply) and as you breath in you
start with your arms at your sides and raise them up parallell to
your shoulders and up over your head. Then you blow it all out,
make it exaggerated like a balloon spewing out all the air. The
kids really like it and it really lowers tension.
Draining
When you drain, you put both hands out in front of you, you twist (and
twist, and twist and twist) your hands around like you were turning
off
water and you screw your face all up, then you blow the air out
through your lips (I know... there will be a little spit!) but the
kids really like that one and you can feel the stress and tension
leaving your own body! (automatic stress relief!)
RDI (this may work in the midst of an out of control tantrum or with
the crying instead of isolating her)
Relaxing together -taking deep breaths together. Practice that with
her as a regulatory pattern . Take her away from that scene first.
Then hold her hands say "You are not calm. Let's become calm. Breathe
in........." "Breathe out...." Breathe in a very exagerrated manner.
She may not be able to really do the heavy breathing but will try.
This will take her mind off whatever was bothering her first. After
a few minutes, tell her "You are calm now! Wow! We both are calm and
that feels so much better" and return to what you were doing.
--
Dorothy
There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..
The Outer Limits
.
- References:
- How to handle whining and crying?
- From: Cathy Weeks
- How to handle whining and crying?
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