Re: Trouble with Grandma?
- From: "xkatx" <xkatx@xxxxxxxx>
- Date: Sat, 02 Sep 2006 07:18:38 GMT
"Rosalie B." <gmbeasley@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:8ujdf2hipb96dnam7nv8a0q28qplb7885t@xxxxxxxxxx
cailleach@xxxxxxxxxxxxx wrote:
xkatx wrote:I would be really upset if people - even my family - dropped by
I've always been slightly put off by her
never calling, never stopping by, always expecting me to pack the kids
up to
go visit her. .... For my family, everyone's always been
fairly open... If you're in the area of someone, you just kind of stop
by
for a visit, sometimes unexpected...
People (and families) have different customs about these things. Maybe
yours is a "just drop in" family but hers is an "issue invitations"
one? Your MIL might be saying to herself "we invite them all the time,
she never invites us"!
:-)
without calling first to see if it was convenient. REALLY UPSET. I
would think that REALLY RUDE. And I would certainly let them know it.
With my side, it's normally a call 10-15 minutes in advance if someone
happens to be in the area, and it's basically, "We're in the area, we're
gonna swing by. You going to be home? Put the coffee on!" and it's never
really been a problem. I'm sure that's just the way my family is, and
although I do know and understand that not everyone is like that, I do
believe there are some that area also like that. I often don't mind
unexpected visitors - friends and family.
We often stop by MIL's house unexpected. She's never once expressed
anything about it, even if we swing by to drop something off, she tells us
to stay for a bit.
OTOH, my mom would get upset with me if I didn't call her on my own
nickel (because it is long distance), periodically. It was the kind
of - don't you care about your mother enough to call.
All my family (and the in-laws) live local, we're all in the same city (with
the exception of step-FIL, who often works out of town)
Long distance isn't an issue, and everyone has a phone. I call my mom or
talk to her basically daily for one thing or another, and if I don't talk to
her for a few days, she's wondering if I disappeared or something lol
My MIL never seemed to care whether we called or came or not. She
seemed happy if we visited, but didn't ever push to have visits. I'm
not sure if this was due to laziness on her part, or if she really
didn't care.
My stepMIL OTOH was violently opposed to our seeing dh's father and
actively worked to cut him off from his family.
So you need to check the expectations. Ask. Do you want us to visit
you?
She apparently does, in this case.
ABSOLUTELY. Do not ever present this in a negative way. If she isAt that point, maybe I'll sit down over coffee and explain to MIL what
the
real reasons are and that it's not because she's not good enough or
anything
like that.
Sitting down over coffee sounds like a good idea, but don't mention the
"not being good enough" stuff, not even to deny it! You know how it is,
those kinds of words can stick.
inviting you over to her house, ask if she can come to your house
sometimes. Maybe she has health issues of some kind that make it
difficult for her to travel.
She has some health problems, but for the most part, she's lazy. She does
have a vehicle now, but before, she wouldn't walk the one block down to the
store for milk. She'd call DH and tell him to go the block to the store to
get her milk. I do think it's partly because she's lazy. She's a diabetic
(pills and diet) and she's definitely not in top-notch shape, but that's
never stopped her from working a fairly hectic job of driving a school bus
and picking up as many extra events as she possibly can.
I don't see how a trip over here (10ish min drive) to come sit down and
visit is any more difficult that being up and at work for 7am and back home
at 5pm with a day of work activities.
Instead be positive, "we would love to have the children stay at yourI would instead say something to the effect that it is difficult for
house, we just need to sort out these safety issues first" and then
focus on what to do about the *really* important ones. Maybe offer to
lend/buy baby gates and cupboard latches, or whatever. Actually I
wouldn't worry too much about the ornaments - it's probably only going
to take *one* broken doodad and she'll start babyproofing :-)
you to have a nice visit because you can't watch both children and
also talk to her. You might ask if the children could play outside
(if that is possible), or if there is one room that they can be let
loose in without such close supervision. Maybe she has some toys left
over from her children (your dh). Ask about them.
It kind of does make it hard for me to visit, as yes, I do find it quite
hard to keep an eye on the kids. That wouldn't be a lie or anything if I
said that, although that isn't the main issue - but yes, I do see that it's
definitely part of it.
There's nowhere for kids to play but out in the parking lot - I don't like
this idea, as you do get the odd jerk peeling through the parking lot, and
with little supervision, the back yard is the best. The back yard is small
and filled with dog poop and no grass - just dirt with a little bit of grass
and weeds. Thanks, but I'll pass on my kids slopping around in dirt and
poop! And I also don't trust that dog with the kids alone, even for a few
minutes. She doesn't have any extra rooms - all rooms are packed with who
knows what, but she does have this ottoman thing (maybe even one of those
old Electrolux vacuum box things would be what it is) and it's full of
toys - DH's old toys, and DS does love to play with them.
Or maybe you could meet at some other place like the park.
If only she had a park in her living room... lol
I think you also need to re-program your dh NOT to express the 'not
good enough' sentiments about this.
Lately, I won't even bother. He often says stupid things when he's put off
with me, but this is the first time that it seems he's said something to
someone else to try and kick the bee's nest around a bit.
"bizby40" <bizby40@xxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:SfqdnShOgYD4VWnZnZ2dnUVZ_vqdnZ2d@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"xkatx" <xkatx@xxxxxxxx> wrote in message
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I feel I should bring this up with her and explain it's not that I
don't
like her, trust her, whatever, it's that her home is really not a
place I
am comfortable leaving my kids at, due to all the potential dangers.
(glass, trinkets, cleaning supplies, stairs, etc) Should I bring
this
up?
I think you should. After all, you have nothing to hide, and there's
no
point in letting things fester. Tell her you had no idea she felt
this
way, and it's not true at all. Tell her that it's just that her house
isn't really set up for kids, but that you love when she comes to
baby-sit
for you.
Bizby
Yes, I do agree that I should bring it up. I really didn't know she
felt
the way she does. I also think DH had something to do with that...
There's
been a couple times where he's said that we should take the kids and
drop
them off at his mom's house, which is, by far, a lot closer to us than
my
parents' place, but we normally go half way across the city to my
parents'
place anyways. He'd always say something stupid like, "What, my mom's
not
good enough to watch the kids?" and accuse me of whatever. The words
that
were used are what make me think DH had given MIL that idea, as he has
said
in the past the 'not good enough' line, which is, oddly enough, how her
feelings were expressed to me through someone else.
But it still isn't that she's not 'good enough' or my parents are more
'good
enough' - it's just obviously clear that my parents' house is a lot
safer...
1 level house with not so many things everywhere. DH is the youngest in
his
family, I'm the oldest, so it's more recent that my parents have had
their
house ready for kids (youngest brother is 17, other is 20, both still
live
at home) and my parents haven't had no kids in their house yet, so they
haven't really been able to bring out or collect all the fancy ornaments
to
display everywhere you look.
I do enjoy when she comes over here to babysit. She has access to the
computer here (which is all she really does at home) to play her games,
she
doesn't mind going outside to smoke, as we all do that, the phone is
free
for her to use, there's the TV, and we have cable, which gives her a few
more options of what to watch than what she has, she can sit and relax,
do
whatever, and the kids can just wander around and play (or sleep,
depending
on the time) like always. She now has a vehicle, and 6 months ago she
did
not have one, which made it a bit of a challenge for me to drive to pick
her
up, drop her off here, go out to do whatever, come home, drive her home,
come back home myself...
Maybe I'll take the first step... I've always been slightly put off by
her
never calling, never stopping by, always expecting me to pack the kids
up to
go visit her. I'll give her a call maybe before the end of the week and
see
if she wants to come by for coffee. For my family, everyone's always
been
fairly open... If you're in the area of someone, you just kind of stop
by
for a visit, sometimes unexpected... if that person's home and not busy,
you
stay for coffee. If they're out or busy, you carry on your way. Often,
as
well, you call someone and just see what they're up to and see if they
want
company. Perhaps DH's family isn't like that, and maybe if I call and
make
an invite it might be different. I quite enjoy the unexpected visitor,
and
I do enjoy the last minute phone call of, "I'm stopping by! Put the
coffee
on, we'll be there in 15 minutes!"
At that point, maybe I'll sit down over coffee and explain to MIL what
the
real reasons are and that it's not because she's not good enough or
anything
like that.
.
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