Re: Trouble with Grandma?

cailleach@xxxxxxxxxxxxx wrote:

xkatx wrote:

I've always been slightly put off by her
never calling, never stopping by, always expecting me to pack the kids up to
go visit her. .... For my family, everyone's always been
fairly open... If you're in the area of someone, you just kind of stop by
for a visit, sometimes unexpected...

People (and families) have different customs about these things. Maybe
yours is a "just drop in" family but hers is an "issue invitations"
one? Your MIL might be saying to herself "we invite them all the time,
she never invites us"!

:-)

I would be really upset if people - even my family - dropped by
without calling first to see if it was convenient. REALLY UPSET. I
would think that REALLY RUDE. And I would certainly let them know it.

OTOH, my mom would get upset with me if I didn't call her on my own
nickel (because it is long distance), periodically. It was the kind
of - don't you care about your mother enough to call.

My MIL never seemed to care whether we called or came or not. She
seemed happy if we visited, but didn't ever push to have visits. I'm
not sure if this was due to laziness on her part, or if she really
didn't care.

My stepMIL OTOH was violently opposed to our seeing dh's father and
actively worked to cut him off from his family.

So you need to check the expectations. Ask. Do you want us to visit
you?

At that point, maybe I'll sit down over coffee and explain to MIL what the
real reasons are and that it's not because she's not good enough or anything
like that.

Sitting down over coffee sounds like a good idea, but don't mention the
"not being good enough" stuff, not even to deny it! You know how it is,
those kinds of words can stick.

ABSOLUTELY. Do not ever present this in a negative way. If she is
inviting you over to her house, ask if she can come to your house
sometimes. Maybe she has health issues of some kind that make it
difficult for her to travel.

Instead be positive, "we would love to have the children stay at your
house, we just need to sort out these safety issues first" and then
focus on what to do about the *really* important ones. Maybe offer to
lend/buy baby gates and cupboard latches, or whatever. Actually I
wouldn't worry too much about the ornaments - it's probably only going
to take *one* broken doodad and she'll start babyproofing :-)

I would instead say something to the effect that it is difficult for
you to have a nice visit because you can't watch both children and
also talk to her. You might ask if the children could play outside
(if that is possible), or if there is one room that they can be let
loose in without such close supervision. Maybe she has some toys left
over from her children (your dh). Ask about them.

Or maybe you could meet at some other place like the park.

I think you also need to re-program your dh NOT to express the 'not
good enough' sentiments about this.

"bizby40" <bizby40@xxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:SfqdnShOgYD4VWnZnZ2dnUVZ_vqdnZ2d@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"xkatx" <xkatx@xxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:aj3Jg.20332$Ch.7459@xxxxxxxxxxx
I feel I should bring this up with her and explain it's not that I don't
like her, trust her, whatever, it's that her home is really not a place I
am comfortable leaving my kids at, due to all the potential dangers.
(glass, trinkets, cleaning supplies, stairs, etc) Should I bring this
up?

I think you should. After all, you have nothing to hide, and there's no
point in letting things fester. Tell her you had no idea she felt this
way, and it's not true at all. Tell her that it's just that her house
isn't really set up for kids, but that you love when she comes to baby-sit
for you.

Bizby

Yes, I do agree that I should bring it up. I really didn't know she felt
the way she does. I also think DH had something to do with that... There's
been a couple times where he's said that we should take the kids and drop
them off at his mom's house, which is, by far, a lot closer to us than my
parents' place, but we normally go half way across the city to my parents'
place anyways. He'd always say something stupid like, "What, my mom's not
good enough to watch the kids?" and accuse me of whatever. The words that
were used are what make me think DH had given MIL that idea, as he has said
in the past the 'not good enough' line, which is, oddly enough, how her
feelings were expressed to me through someone else.
But it still isn't that she's not 'good enough' or my parents are more 'good
enough' - it's just obviously clear that my parents' house is a lot safer...
1 level house with not so many things everywhere. DH is the youngest in his
family, I'm the oldest, so it's more recent that my parents have had their
house ready for kids (youngest brother is 17, other is 20, both still live
at home) and my parents haven't had no kids in their house yet, so they
haven't really been able to bring out or collect all the fancy ornaments to
display everywhere you look.
I do enjoy when she comes over here to babysit. She has access to the
computer here (which is all she really does at home) to play her games, she
doesn't mind going outside to smoke, as we all do that, the phone is free
for her to use, there's the TV, and we have cable, which gives her a few
more options of what to watch than what she has, she can sit and relax, do
whatever, and the kids can just wander around and play (or sleep, depending
on the time) like always. She now has a vehicle, and 6 months ago she did
not have one, which made it a bit of a challenge for me to drive to pick her
up, drop her off here, go out to do whatever, come home, drive her home,
come back home myself...
Maybe I'll take the first step... I've always been slightly put off by her
never calling, never stopping by, always expecting me to pack the kids up to
go visit her. I'll give her a call maybe before the end of the week and see
if she wants to come by for coffee. For my family, everyone's always been
fairly open... If you're in the area of someone, you just kind of stop by
for a visit, sometimes unexpected... if that person's home and not busy, you
stay for coffee. If they're out or busy, you carry on your way. Often, as
well, you call someone and just see what they're up to and see if they want
company. Perhaps DH's family isn't like that, and maybe if I call and make
an invite it might be different. I quite enjoy the unexpected visitor, and
I do enjoy the last minute phone call of, "I'm stopping by! Put the coffee
on, we'll be there in 15 minutes!"
At that point, maybe I'll sit down over coffee and explain to MIL what the
real reasons are and that it's not because she's not good enough or anything
like that.

.

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