Re: I want to rip this b*tch a new one

"bizby40" <bizby40@xxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
By the way, just to clarify--it had nothing to do with what my
daughter
was actually wearing. This friend and her mother were having the
conversation in the store when THEY were shopping for swimsuits, and
the friend said to her mother that me and my husband won't allow my
daughter to wear a bikini until she is 10 (which is not true, but
that's what prompted the mother's comment).

I think first, that you are wrong about the other 8yo's part in this.
She does need to learn that she shouldn't say hurtful things, even if
she's only repeating what her mom said. I think it would be best just

My mom was sometimes embarrassed by my repeating what I overheard at
home, and sometimes mis-heard. So if the OPs child didn't hear what
the other mother actually said, this is fourth hand reporting - the
friend reporting to the OPs child what her mom said, and the OPs child
reporting to her mom.

[Example: We lived in a house that had basically only two sidewalk
widths between the next house. I overheard my mom telling someone
that it was a 'spite house'. I think it was because it was build to
block the light out of the only side of the house with significant
amounts of windows. I reported to the neighbor that she lived in a
SPIKE house. Fortunately, the neighbors rented so they weren't upset,
although my mom was.]

to let the whole thing go, but if you do decide to say something, it
should just be, "Your daughter told my daughter that you made this
comment, and now she's really upset." That will be enough to let the
mom know that she needs to be careful about what she says. And it

Or to let her tell you that it wasn't what she said at all. There are
often cases where teachers or other adults have told me what my
children said and there was very little congruence between what they
reported and what I actually said. Sometimes it was a matter of
interpretation. My son took the fact that I said he wasn't planned to
mean that he wasn't wanted.

will give her an opportunity to talk to her daughter about thinking
how things might make someone feel before saying them. As upset as
you are right now, remember that these girls might be friends for
years, and you'll have to deal with her mom, so if you start a big
rift, it could have very long-term repercussions.

Agree.

Second, while it was a careless thing for the mom to say, I guess I
don't see it as bad in this context as it would have been if she'd
seen your daughter in a bikini and pointed out how bad she looked to
your daughter. It may have been one small comment in a long rambling
conversation. DD has one friend who is pretty overweight. She
actually wore a one-piece with a tie around skirt to a recent pool
party. If we'd got talking about that (we didn't) I might well have
said something like "A lot of overweight people like to wear skirts
because they think it makes them look better." So, if they were
talking about bikinis, and the girl was saying that you wouldn't let
your daughter wear one, and why not?, I can see that the mom might say
that she was a little chubby for one without intending it as an insult
or a judgment of any kind.

That said, I do not agree with Banty. As adults or even teens, we may
have friends that we trust to give us fashion advice. That does not
mean that it's open season for anyone and everyone to tell us when we
look bad, nor for any particular friend to assume she has that place
to do so unless invited to (or, "Would you mind a little advice?") At
8, the relationships aren't the same anyway.

But in this case, the other mother didn't actually mean to give the
child advice - she apparently was trying to give her daughter a reason
for the child not to wear a bikini.

.

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