Re: Parent in the Hospital
- From: Ericka Kammerer <eek@xxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Tue, 30 May 2006 08:49:46 -0400
Caledonia wrote:
Ericka Kammerer wrote:
I think if you can get her in there so she
can start to reconnect, you'll see a big difference.
You don't want to drag her in kicking and screaming,
but I think there are good odds that if you give her
(or help her choose) a job so that she can go in and
do her job and leave. She might feel comfortable enough
with such concrete expectations that she'll go willingly.
I wouldn't play up how much Mommy misses her, as that
might make her feel conflicted because she's not sure
she can be what Mommy needs.
I *would* play up that DD can/does have a job waiting for her at the
rehab, though -- ime, there's a bulletin board for each pt, and
selecting and rotating the photos is a great task for a 4 yo. It will
also give the two of you an opportunity to talk about the photos, and
maybe give DD something to 'say' (given the hiatus in communication,
kids can be unnerved regarding what to say) when she sees her mom.
I agree completely. I think you want to play
up what she legitimately *can* do and would feel relatively
comfortable doing to make it clear that she can be a part
of this experience in a controlled way (i.e., without
getting in over her head and getting stuck in a situation
where she can't meet expectations of her). I think even
4yos--especially bright ones--can look forward to unknown
situations and be afraid that the situation will spiral
out of control. What if she can't do what Mommy needs?
Daddy is probably tired and stressed from dealing with
the situation, and if Daddy is tired and stressed, how
can she manage it? Those little pitchers have *very*
big ears at that age, but they don't hear everything and
they misunderstand half of what they *do* hear ;-) So,
playing up how she has a specific job to do can really
give a sense of control and help her understand that
there aren't expectations of her that she might not be
able to handle.
Just hazarding a guess, she may be missing her mom, and concerned that
if you go away (to visit, or just to go out), you, too, will not be
back for a loong time, or that you'll return changed in some way.
After all, it *did* happen to Mommy!
But why isn't getting to
stay with other people a fun adventure to be looked
forward to? (Yeah, I know, a bit Pollyanna, but
how you frame the issue matters ;-) ) She's a
four and a half year old. She really can do this,
even though it will stretch her a bit and isn't
the way you would have planned for her.
I can completely understand the point of framing the issue -- at the
same time, it can help to acknowledge how she's feeling (one of those
'mirroring' conversations), and not just be one-way 'positive
adventures await you at X house.' I'm not advocating being apologetic
about this, but (due entirely to my own personal experiences) feel
uncomfortable with always trying to put the bright and sunny spin on
things that aren't really bright and sunny. I think that kids can see
through that (even at 4) and infer that hiding how they feel, if it's
not positive, is the acceptable (desirable) thing to do.
I do agree with that. I think 4yos generally can
handle the idea that there are things we do because we
have to, even if we don't like it very much, and that
we handle it with as much grace as we can muster. There's
a fine line. I think what you *don't* want to do is
have an undercurrent of guilt in the parent that says
"It's bad to force her to stay with these different
people. We've planned our lives so as not to have to
do that in the past, and it really sucks that circumstances
have had to force us to do that now. It's not really
fair to her that she has to deal with caregivers at
this age. I feel terrible that she's having to deal
with this." If you feel that way inside, then no matter
how brightly you paint the situation, she's going to
sense that it's *wrong*. If, on the other hand, you
believe in your heart that she is strong and capable
and can have an enjoyable time staying with these
people, even though that wasn't your original plan,
then you can discuss with her that it isn't what
you'd have chosen, but circumstances have forced your
hand and you have faith that she can do this and
make the best of it. When you don't have that undercurrent
of guilt, worrying that going from caregiver to caregiver
is going to be emotionally harmful on top of the
current situation, children really sense the confidence
and are more likely to rise to the challenge. I don't
know if P. is feeling guilty about this or not, but
if he is, I think cutting himself a break and realizing
that she is very capable of coping and even multiple
caregivers on an odd schedule isn't going to damage
her might lighten his load a tad and, more importantly,
bolster her confidence. I see this a lot in families
who are going through crises--and it's very understandable.
You work hard to protect your kids from these sorts of
things! It's normal to feel guilty and sad that
circumstances have put you in a position that you
didn't choose. But kids are often much stronger than
we give them credit for, and we do them no favors by
not having confidence in their ability to cope.
Best wishes,
Ericka
.
- References:
- Parent in the Hospital
- From: P. Tierney
- Re: Parent in the Hospital
- From: P. Tierney
- Re: Parent in the Hospital
- From: Ericka Kammerer
- Re: Parent in the Hospital
- From: Caledonia
- Parent in the Hospital
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