Re: Sleeping arrangements...


"shinypenny" <shinypenny0001@xxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:1148741058.488503.317100@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

John wrote:
Hi,

Seeking a bit of honest advice and opinion here. For a few year now my
(now
9) son has been sleeping in the same bed as me. It's never been an
intentional thing, his getting out his own bed and getting in with me
became
so regular an occurrence that he's cut out the middle bit and just gets
in
my bed at bedtime, reads his beano's and goes to sleep. However, my ex
has
contacted social services and I've received a letter from them, here's
the
key paragraph :

"We will not be taking any further action regarding this information at
this
point. However, I would like to advise you that given ********'s age this
does not appear to be an appropriate arrangement. I would urge you to
consider ********'s needs as a young man and rectify this situation as
soon
as possible"

It's never crossed my mind that this could be considered inappropriate
and
is a situation that needs 'rectifying'. My initial reaction is to tell
them
where to shove this but I'm trying to be level-headed and having a good
look
at this before I respond.

I've had a wee talk to him and read out the letter to him. I've suggested
that he goes to his own bed and if any time in the night he feels the
need,
(nightmares, spider in room etc !) then to come get in with me and if
possible not wake me up ! Is this a sensible course of action ? Do I need
to
do anything ? I've always felt he'll want his own space as when. This is
just onether in a long line of 'problems' my ex creates. He's very much a
daddies boy, we have a shared residency order, he's with me over half the
week, getting him to stay with mum is often difficult and distressing.
Enough, any advice appreciated...

It's a tough one, my heart goes out to you. How fresh is the divorce?
It sounds like it's been a hostile one. I know when I went through
mine, when it was nastiest, the girls crawled into bed a lot with me,
and I let them because I knew they needed the security when everything
else in their lives was a shambles. So you have probably been doing the
right thing - responding to your son's need for security and comfort.
The hostile relations between your ex and you are only going to prolong
his need to crawl into bed with you, so you could rebut back to your
ex's lawyer something along those lines, perhaps requesting
mediation/counseling to put together a proactive plan with a more
reasonable timeframe than "immediately."

With that said, ask yourself if you are centering too much of your life
around your child, now that you are single again. Sometimes parents can
burden the children unduly with their own unfulfilled needs, and the
child starts to feel responsible for ensuring dad isn't lonely. Not
saying that is the case with you, but it is something you should ask
yourself.

As far as the age that children should stop sleeping with parents, I do
feel strongly that puberty is the key age, starting around 10 or 11.
Kids entering adolescence definetly need privacy. So your ex's concern
isn't really all that off the mark, and I would not dismiss it out of
hand. However, she is putting you in a bind because if the divorce is
very fresh and the hostility between you is very high, your son may at
this point in time need the security more than the privacy.

I would say that your goal should be to ease the kid out of your bed by
age 10. If he needs security, abruptly booting him out isn't going to
help matters. To get there, work on reducing the hostility between you
and your ex, and if you are relying on your son too much to keep you
company, then address that as well. If you can do those two things, you
will probably find that your son stops coming to your bed all on his
own, because he will have the freedom and breathing room to
differentiate from both his parents, as he is supposed to do as he
enters adolescence.

jen


Thanks for that, some excellent points.

I just found the social services letter, and its possible insinuations, most
offensive. So, starting tonight, he goes to bed in his own bed and if he has
any problem in the night then he knows where I am. Well, where I should be,
I'm often asleep on the settee in the early hours ! He understands and is
happy with that so we're addressing the 'problem' with no ill effects for
now.

We have an older boy, 13, he was a baby when we met and I've been dad to him
ever since. He was never a clingy boy and is quite happy with the 50/50 ish
living arrangement we have now. The seperation (we weren't married) was some
years ago and the levels of hostility have been high at times. The
criticisms on my child care have been continuous but not unexpected, that's
ok with me, everyone has different views but this criticism is unpleasant
and I don't like being 'bullied' into doing things her way. She can't see
that it cuts both ways, I don't like mums idea of discipline which is, to
put it bluntly, a good belting. That happens far too much and I'm very much
opposed to it (although, in extreme cases, a precisely controlled kick up
the backside can have its uses!) but I don't make a big deal of it and start
bleating to social services, I just advise them on how they can best avoid
it !

Anyway, before I further embark on a course of uncontrolled rambling, the
support I'm getting is great, I see now that this situation isn't freaky and
shouldn't be raising eyebrows. Solicitors advice is to bin the letter and,
exactly as you said, start the 'own bed by 10' plan.

Thanks again for the response, most appreciated !

John




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