Re: Tips on handling situations?

xkatx wrote:
I know I'm not the perfect parent (as I know no one is THE perfect parent) but there's some problems we're having with our 5 year old son that I'm finding kind of hard to deal with...
Lately, I feel he's been acting up. I'm wondering what, exactly, I, or we, are doing wrong or could change. Any advice or tips are definitely appreciated...

Heaven knows I'm not perfect either, but I'll give
you my advice for what it's worth ;-)

Yesterday, we went out for supper to a restaurant. First time we've gone out for supper in quite some time - I'd guess a good month and a half at least. DS hadn't behaved very well. When we walked in, the first thing was he was NOT happy that the train that sometimes runs along a track suspended from the ceiling and going through the whole restaurant was not running. He would not sit down, he was doing things to scare DD (almost 9 months) and not listening. We left to pay the bill as soon as we were done eating,

When my kids went through a phase of not having
appropriate restaurant behavior we spent a while taking
two cars to the restaurant. If someone was not behaving
reasonably, he got one clear warning. If that didn't
solve the problem, a parent would take the offender
straight home. Not only did the kids not want to
miss out on dinner out, but it really got their goat that
the other kid got to stay and have a special time
(and we'd really live it up with the other one).

and while paying, he threw a temper tantrum over a balloon. There were a few balloons tied to a pillar in the restaurant, and he had wanted one. We left the restaurant with him bawling over the damn balloon, and when we walked out the doors, he was right behind me and hit me. I spun around and told him to hit me again and he wouldn't, and once again, I told him hitting is not allowed and it's not nice. I asked him if I hit him, and he ignored me, and I told him that I do not hit him, and he does not need to hit me.

Sounds like too much discussion to me. For one thing,
he was already around the bend and not in any frame of mind
to listen to anything. He was just frustrated and trying to
get your goat by that point, and rising to the bait doesn't
help. Just get him home, no muss, no fuss. Certainly don't
try to engage in a lesson about hitting at that point.

He then refused to get in the car and stayed up on the sidewalk behind some low bushes, standing there looking at us like we were stupid, still bawling over that balloon. DH told him to get in his seat now or we would leave without him, and he finally got in the car, only to sit there screaming.

Honestly, why was he given any choice at that point?
At only 5yo, you can get him in the car. He was just engaging
in a power struggle at that point--and winning as long as he
was standing there by the bushes. He got to go to the car on
his own terms.

I didn't even bother to start the car. DH turned around and told him to cut this garbage out and to stop acting like that, or he'd give him something to cry about,

Idle threat (or should have been).

and told him when we got home, he's up in his room to change and be in bed.

Sending him straight to bed is one consequence,
but the time to set consequences for behavior is before
the behavior happens. Sounds like your dh was allowing
his buttons to be pushed and getting down on DS's level.

He stopped and we went home, with him then refusing to get out of the car. I told him it was going to be a very cold and lonely night if he was locked in the car over night to sleep,

Another idle threat. Nothing undermines
parental authority and discipline as much as an
idle threat. Never, ever threaten something you are
not fully prepared to carry though on.

and by the time DH was at our gate and I got DD out of the car, he got out as well. The neighbour boy was outside, and asked DS if he was coming out to play, and DS instantly turned around and said he has school tomorrow and it's late. I had to run out, and not sure how getting him in bed was, but DH said nothing when I got home, so I assume it was alright.

Firstly, is there a good way to handle situations like that? Lately, it always seems to be something.more and more often. What should or shouldn't be done? I, personally, don't believe that yelling and shouting and hittiing him is the way to go.

Agreed.

I don't believe that way gets very far, but I am not all against spanking, getting my panties in a knot over it when someone suggests or mentions it. I've just found IME that it seems to be pointless and not the way to get a message across. My parents are from the days of the strap, I'm from the days of spanking, and it seems DS is from the days of just not being able to get the message. I've been trying to keep my calm (yes, I do have a temper when my buttons are pushed) and talk. He's good at ignoring. Gets that from his dad. How do you deal with a 5 year old just being a downright brat?

Well, just talk isn't going to work either.
It sounds to me like neither of you are keeping your
cool and calmly working through the situation. Your
son is calling the shots and you're dancing to his
tune. You want to threaten until he complies. I
don't really think that works with any but the
most compliant kids (and even then it isn't great
strategy). You don't threaten--especially with
idle threats. You have to make a plan in advance
that allows only the behaviors that are acceptable,
and then you have to follow through calmly and
thoroughly.
When behaviors are not acceptable,
you have to interrupt them, not allow them to
continue as you holler out increasing threats.
You stop the behavior (usually by removing the
kid from the situation), pause until he's under
control, and then redirect to better behavior.
If he goes right back to the inappropriate
behavior, you do it again. No self-respecting
kid will be okay with doing nothing ad nauseam.
He'll test you big time, but once he realizes
that he's not getting a rise out of you and
all that happens is that he spends a lot of
time spinning his wheels, he'll start making
better choices. The main thing is that in order
to achieve some consistency with this, you will
*HAVE* to plan ahead, especially in the beginning.
It takes time to go through this process, and
if you never have the time, you will put up
with the inappropriate behavior in order to
meet the needs of your schedule. You also have
to be willing to walk away from something when
you're not home. If the behavior gets bad, you
have to be willing to pick up and leave the store
or restaurant or playdate or whatever. Warn
once, then act. Don't *ever* warn and then
fail to act. I'll bet just about anything that
your DS knows you won't really follow through on
most of the things you say, so he just gets
surprised and mad when you do.

Also, a couple days ago, DS, DD and I were in the car. Can't remember where we were going or why, but he was at it again. He sat in the back seat saying, "I hate you." over and over again. I simply said, "That's fine. I still love you." and he started screaming and saying he hates me over and over. I finally just ignored it, but to be honest, I was trying my hardest not to burst out laughing. He then, after about 2 minutes of "I hate you" over and over again, he gave up when he got no reaction from me when I was ignoring him, so he went on to say, "I hate Amie (DD)" and I said, "Well, that's not nice at all. You know she doesn't hate you." and he said he did not want her to sit next to him in the car, so the next day, I moved her car seat from the middle seat to the side so they were on opposite sides of the car.

? He won that round, then? I mean it's not all
a competition, but he had bad behavior and you gave him
what he wanted?

Next day, he said he wanted her seat to beside his seat and said he does not hate her. Moving her seat, actually, was something I had been wanting to do for a while, actually, since it made it a lot easier to have space between the car seat and booster seat to be able to do up the seatbelt for DS's booster seat. I was actually waiting for the OK from the health center and also Alberta Transport if my one back shoulder belt would be alright to use for a baby's seat. They called back and said it was perfectly fine to use, as since the shoulder belt part won't retract, the lap part was still just fine and with the locking clip, it would turn into like a regular lap belt and would be just fine and just as safe to use. I would have moved her seat over anyways, but I was waiting for the OK that it's fine. Now about a week later, her seat is still where I had moved it to, and he doesn't really care any more.

I wouldn't have timed the move so that it appeared
to be in reaction to his tantrum. At 5yo, you only would
have had to wait a little while to sever the connection.

Again, in the situation of the "I hate you" what's the best way to handle it? I've always simply said, "That's alright. I still love you" but that seems to make him even more mad, and never before has he said he hates his sister.

He's just escalating to see where the boundaries
are. So far he's learned that it's okay to talk that way
and that he's powerful enough to get you to move his sister's
carseat. You don't want to teach him that he can't express
his emotions, but you can insist that he find more appropriate
ways to do it. In other words, don't punish him for expressing
frustration at you or his sister, but do teach him that the
language he was using wasn't acceptable and teach him some
alternative ways to express his frustration.

He has said he hates me but loves his sister, or he's said to DH or I that he hates one but loves the other. Should this behavior be ignored completely? What kind of words, if any, should I say back to him? I find I have trouble NOT laughing, I just kind of find it funny, and know he doesn't mean it, but still... It's funny to me, and I know laughing to myself, over the situation or at him is not the way to go.

Laughing at him will likely be pretty destructive.
At some level, he knows he doesn't hate either of you and
that he's just pushing boundaries. Respond to what you know
he means, not to what he's saying. Stop the behavior
(stop the car, if necessary, and sit down for a chat or
go back home), then explain that it's okay for him to
be frustrated, but it's not okay for him to use that
kind of language. Talk to him about what other ways
he could express himself.

We just seem to be having general problems lately. His behavior is often not at all acceptable. Is there anything that anyone could suggest to maybe do with him? There's only so much I find I can do... I can only sit down and color so long, watch TV with him for so long or play a game for so long. Is there activities that can be done that work around a normal lifestyle? Is there anything that you've found has worked? Should we walk to the park more often and let him burn off energy?

Sure. If he has a lot of energy, he needs safe
and appropriate ways to burn it off.

Should I take away events like going to the park with bad behavior?

Well, you have to find a balance. At some point,
you're just shooting yourself in the foot because if he
doesn't have any opportunities to run off his energy,
everything is just going to get harder for you. When
I got into holes like this, I'd try to clear some time
in my schedule to really focus on the behaviors. During
that time, I'd make time for a *lot* of little fun
things to do--several opportunities a day. I'd talk
them up in advance, but explain that the consequences
of poor behavior choices would be loss of those
opportunities. So, there'd be lots of chances to
lose treats, but so many were planned that we would
still get enough activities in. If I knew that they
needed to get out and play, I'd try to avoid putting
all opportunities to get out at risk.

A while back elsewhere, someone had suggested doing like a sticker chart - get a sticker for every day that there's good behavior or whatever... Would something like that work?

Eh, I've never had very good luck with that
sort of thing. Too much delay for a 5yo.

Best wishes,
Ericka
.

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