Re: Tips on handling situations?


"shinypenny" <shinypenny0001@xxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:1146235203.576378.122920@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

xkatx wrote:
I know I'm not the perfect parent (as I know no one is THE perfect
parent)
but there's some problems we're having with our 5 year old son that I'm
finding kind of hard to deal with...
Lately, I feel he's been acting up. I'm wondering what, exactly, I, or
we,
are doing wrong or could change. Any advice or tips are definitely
appreciated...

First, I just want to say that you're not alone, and I do remember
times like this when my kids were young! I will do my best to remember
how I learned to handle such scenes, way back when......

Yesterday, we went out for supper to a restaurant. First time we've gone
out for supper in quite some time - I'd guess a good month and a half at
least. DS hadn't behaved very well. When we walked in, the first thing
was
he was NOT happy that the train that sometimes runs along a track
suspended
from the ceiling and going through the whole restaurant was not running.
He
would not sit down, he was doing things to scare DD (almost 9 months) and
not listening.

I would've picked him up and taken him out of the restaurant. I would
tell him we were going to sit in the car until he was ready to behave
in the restaurant. I would then sit with him in the car and ignore him
until he was ready to go back in. Yes, it sucks because I might also
miss half the meal, but it's highly effective. It's important to ignore
him during this time-out, because if you don't, he might think next
time, "Gee, I'll act up and then I'll have mom all to myself to play
with in the car."

Maybe this might be a good thing to try... The thing about dragging him out
of any place is I would be dragging him out kicking and screaming. Quite
frankly, I don't care if people stand around with their mouthes hanging wide
open, staring at me. I bet that this person who seems to stand there
staring has thrown a temper tantrum themselves when they were younger or has
had a child toss a good one at some point. I really can't carry him much
anymore with being pregnant and having back/spine issues, but I'm sure I
could manage on occasion if need be ;) Sending DH out to the car, I know,
is a bad idea, simply because DH was raised on threats and does the same,
and I know with DH and DS out in the car, DD and I would be waiting until
Christmas for them to come back in! lol
I'm good at ignoring him when he acts up - most of the time.

We left to pay the bill as soon as we were done eating, and
while paying, he threw a temper tantrum over a balloon. There were a few
balloons tied to a pillar in the restaurant, and he had wanted one.

Why didn't he get a balloon? Was there none left by the end of dinner?
Or didn't you want him to have one because of his behavior?

No other kids in the restauruant walked out with a balloon... Never before
in that restaurant has he walked out with a balloon - good behavior or not.
I didn't know if the balloons were for sale, for free or for decorations,
and yes, because of his behavior, I wasn't about to ask the waitress about
the balloons. To be honest, though, I was quite tempted - for just a
second - to request a balloon for DD, who was a very good little girl during
supper, but I didn't. I wasn't in the mood to act like a jerk to a 5 year
old, and I saw no point. I should, however, be able to say no about
something, and that should be expected. Now, had I said no and he asked for
a reason, I do think he's entitled to a reason behind an answer, but he did
not ask why he could not have a balloon, and I didn't offer him a reason
either.

We left
the restaurant with him bawling over the damn balloon, and when we walked
out the doors, he was right behind me and hit me. I spun around and told
him to hit me again and he wouldn't, and once again, I told him hitting
is
not allowed and it's not nice.

Talk is good, but you have to follow up with action. In this situation,
I might've strapped him into the car seat immediately, and ignored him
all the way home, even if he was bawling away. But at 5, I guess you
might have issues with keeping him strapped in his car seat.... so I
dunno.. maybe others have suggestions here.

Luckily, the restaurant is about 3 minutes down the road. He knows very
well to, no matter what, keep that seatbelt on, and keep it on properly.
Him taking off his seatbelt has not ever once been an issue since that car
accident where I had stressed how important it is to always wear your
seatbelt in any car, all the time. We has a couple problems with him taking
off his seatbelt when we got somewhere, or, rather, when he felt we got
there, but I had made it clear that as long as the car was turned on OR we
were on the road (pulled over on the side of the road, parked on the road,
whatever) that seatbelt is to stay on and in those cases, I will take his
seatbelt off for him. Otherwise, parking lots, driveways, he is allowed to
unbuckle when the car has been turned OFF.
I cannot drive with major child distractions. I always have to pull over if
the baby starts something and is crying, and I just cannot drive with
someone yelling and shouting. A car is just too small of a place to ignore
screaming or crying. I just can't handle that, and that's been since when
about DD was born and her constant crying had made me want to swerve the car
into oncoming traffic or off the road or something, thinking doing that
would end the crying and screaming right away. PND support groups helped me
out tons with that one, though ;) And now the only way I can do it is if
there's not unnecessary screaming, shouting, bickering, arguing, crying.

I asked him if I hit him, and he ignored me,
and I told him that I do not hit him, and he does not need to hit me. He
then refused to get in the car and stayed up on the sidewalk behind some
low
bushes, standing there looking at us like we were stupid, still bawling
over
that balloon. DH told him to get in his seat now or we would leave
without
him,

Yes, I would've done that too. I would have calmly left him on the curb
and walked away. I wouldn't have *driven* away, but usually just
turning and walking away like I really meant it was enough to get my
girls quickly following.

I've gone so far as to start the car. That does send him running to the
car. Never driven off, never even put the car in gear. I had just let him
stand there yelling whatever he was yelling and I put DD in the car. By the
time I was done, he was sitting in his seat.

and he finally got in the car, only to sit there screaming. I didn't
even bother to start the car. DH turned around and told him to cut this
garbage out and to stop acting like that, or he'd give him something to
cry
about, and told him when we got home, he's up in his room to change and
be
in bed.

Well, maybe not the best approach, but in situations like this, it's
understandable to be at one's breaking point and have a hard time
remaining calm!!

Oh, I know it wasn't the best approach and way to handle it. At this point,
he had not behaved at all during supper, dropped a knife not once, but three
times, had to be told to sit down too many times to count, mouthed me off
about 3 times, the list goes on ;)

If I had any presence of mind left at this point, I might've had all of
us but him get out of the car, saying we will not drive home until he
stops crying, and that the rest of us were not going to sit in the car
with him screaming in our ears. I'd have the rest of the family sit
outside the car waiting for him to stop screaming.

I have tried that once. I told him he is to stay with his seatbelt on, I
got out of the car, closed the door, leaned up against my door and lit a
smoke and just stood there listening to him scream, and he had been sitting
there kicking my car seats. I then opened the door and told him that
grandpa would NOT like to hear what he was doing to our car (and this is
true, as grandpa would NOT be happy with him if he heard about kicking the
seats) and DS knew that. He had stopped kicking the seats, I had finished
my smoke, he was quiet. I sat back down in the car just to get right up and
out again and light another smoke to fill the time, and stood outside the
car while he then hit the door and window. I opened the door and asked him
if he would like the glass to break and cut him because if he kept hitting
the door/window, the window could break and that him cleaning up glass would
not be fun.

He stopped and we went home, with him then refusing to get out of
the car. I told him it was going to be a very cold and lonely night if
he
was locked in the car over night to sleep,

Yep, I'd have said that too. And if necessary, walked into the house
without him. However, my kids would've followed quite quickly because
they learned early on I meant business.

It didn't take him long to follow.

and by the time DH was at our
gate and I got DD out of the car, he got out as well. The neighbour boy
was
outside, and asked DS if he was coming out to play, and DS instantly
turned
around and said he has school tomorrow and it's late. I had to run out,
and
not sure how getting him in bed was, but DH said nothing when I got home,
so
I assume it was alright.

Firstly, is there a good way to handle situations like that? Lately, it
always seems to be something.more and more often. What should or
shouldn't
be done? I, personally, don't believe that yelling and shouting and
hittiing him is the way to go. I don't believe that way gets very far,
but
I am not all against spanking, getting my panties in a knot over it when
someone suggests or mentions it. I've just found IME that it seems to be
pointless and not the way to get a message across. My parents are from
the
days of the strap, I'm from the days of spanking, and it seems DS is from
the days of just not being able to get the message. I've been trying to
keep my calm (yes, I do have a temper when my buttons are pushed) and
talk.
He's good at ignoring. Gets that from his dad. How do you deal with a 5
year old just being a downright brat?

I also agree that spanking and yelling and hitting aren't effective.

I just don't see the point. I have yet to see that spanking and shouting
like a fool actually work, but if I saw it did work, I'd definitely give it
a go. Yet to see how spanking and yelling helps any situation, as I find it
actually makes a situation more stressful and harder to deal with.

Also, a couple days ago, DS, DD and I were in the car. Can't remember
where
we were going or why, but he was at it again. He sat in the back seat
saying, "I hate you." over and over again. I simply said, "That's fine.
I
still love you."

Yep, that's my approach too.

I find it kind of funny... I reply with an overly nice reply of, "That's
fine. I still love you!" every single time. He then yells at me. This has
been more and more lately, but when he does get upset, he has done it before
in the past. I know I said it, and I've heard other kids say it, so I know
it's a common thing for kids to say ;) It doesn't bother me one bit because
it's always when he's downright pissed off. Yes, I find it funny! No, I
can't control my smiling... It's enough to control bursting out laughing out
loud!

and he started screaming and saying he hates me over and
over. I finally just ignored it, but to be honest, I was trying my
hardest
not to burst out laughing. He then, after about 2 minutes of "I hate
you"
over and over again, he gave up when he got no reaction from me when I
was
ignoring him, so he went on to say, "I hate Amie (DD)" and I said, "Well,
that's not nice at all. You know she doesn't hate you."

Hmmmmm......... DD is only 9 months old. Perhaps your DS is having some
sibling rivalry issues? Maybe this was his way of expressing the
conflict in his mind, that he's supposed to love his baby sister, but
he's feeling shortchanged because he has to now share his parents with
her?

Actually, I have yet to see that one bit. Everywhere he goes, everyone he
sees, no matter what, he always brags about his baby sister and tells
everyone about her. He has never once said anything bad about her, other
than when she crys, she gives him a headache, yet that's not really much of
a complaint about her, really. The only other thing is that he doesn't like
it when she gets into his drawings and eats/rips his papers up. I just tell
him she's a baby and doesn't know any better and he needs to put his papers
away where she can't get them, and I tell him I'm sure he can draw that
picture again, and maybe even make it better. That seems to be enough to
make him happy and not worry about it. He has never really shown anything
else that would cause concern or make me think he might have some
resentment. He's always happy to sit with her, play with her, even help
change diapers - but no, he won't touch a poopy diaper ;)

Again, in the situation of the "I
hate you" what's the best way to handle it? I've always simply said,
"That's alright. I still love you" but that seems to make him even more
mad, and never before has he said he hates his sister. He has said he
hates
me but loves his sister, or he's said to DH or I that he hates one but
loves
the other. Should this behavior be ignored completely? What kind of
words,
if any, should I say back to him? I find I have trouble NOT laughing, I
just kind of find it funny, and know he doesn't mean it, but still...
It's
funny to me, and I know laughing to myself, over the situation or at him
is
not the way to go.

At 5 kids don't have a very advanced vocabularly to describe their
emotions. He may be struggling with emotions over his baby sister, less
time with mom and dad, and stress that a baby in the family creates.
But his vocabularly may be too simple to describe all this: it's either
"love" or "hate." And your son's true feelings are much more
complicated than that.

You can teach him new words to describe what he's feeling. Try drawing
him out, "I know it must be hard sharing your parents with your DD.
She's cute and all that, but maybe you feel resentment? That would be
normal." See how you help him to articulate what he might be feeling,
and give him a label for it that's more useful and accurate than
"hate." ?

Yes, I've noticed it's always hate or love. Nothing really in between. The
love comes whenever, the hate comes when he's angry. I sometimes get that
hate can sometimes mean I'm mad at you, not really I don't like you. He
doesn't like tomatos and mushrooms, but maybe he sees that as different, and
I hate you and I don't like what you did/said/whatever can mean the same
things to him.

We just seem to be having general problems lately. His behavior is often
not at all acceptable. Is there anything that anyone could suggest to
maybe
do with him? There's only so much I find I can do... I can only sit down
and color so long, watch TV with him for so long or play a game for so
long.
Is there activities that can be done that work around a normal lifestyle?

The single best thing I did at that age, particularly when DD#2 came
along, is ensure that I spent one-on-one time with each of them very
early in the day. Even just 20 minutes during which I was fully, 100%
focused on them, made a *huge* difference in the tenor of the rest of
the day. For example, consider switching bedtime reading to morning for
awhile. Or just set aside 20-30 minutes of time in the morning where DS
gets to pick the activity and you fully participate and tune into him.

Early in the day isn't possible. He's in kindergarden, and the school bus
picks him up at 7:30 in the morning, and drops him off at 12:30 in the
afternoon. I do try and feed DD her lunch around 11:30, and she normally
has a nap around noon until about 1:30-2pm or so. That first half hour is
normally spent loading the dishwasher or something similar. I then try and
get lunch ready - either start it just before he's home or as soon as he
gets home, and I always sit down with him for lunch and have lunch with him,
while DD is napping, and then that hour or hour and a half until DD wakes is
normally the time that we get together to do whatever no matter what.
There's just no time in the morning... He's fairly tough to get up in the
morning as it is, and I find first thing in the morning I just don't have
the energy or desire to do anything more than what has to be done...I'm up
by 6am for when DH goes to work. Wake DS up, get him ready and all that,
then take him to the bus for 7:30, and then I try and catch a bit more sleep
from about 7:30 until 9, 9:30 when DD normally wakes up for the day.

If you can do this early in the day, you may find, like I did, that he
will be more content playing on his own later, less demanding of your
attentions and competing less with DD.


jen

Maybe I'll find some new and better things to do first thing in the
afternoon when he gets home. He always likes to go to the park and play, or
likes when we go across the street to the big field with the big hill. Both
those are out first thing in the afternoon after lunch as I obviously can't
leave DD at home alone sleeping to take off and do whatever.


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