Re: Tips on handling situations?

On Fri, 28 Apr 2006 13:34:40 GMT, "xkatx" <none@xxxxxxxx> wrote:

I know I'm not the perfect parent (as I know no one is THE perfect parent)

Hey, we all have our days. If you were perfect, you would not be
human.

but there's some problems we're having with our 5 year old son that I'm
finding kind of hard to deal with...

k

Lately, I feel he's been acting up. I'm wondering what, exactly, I, or we,
are doing wrong or could change. Any advice or tips are definitely
appreciated...

Yesterday, we went out for supper to a restaurant. First time we've gone
out for supper in quite some time - I'd guess a good month and a half at
least. DS hadn't behaved very well. When we walked in, the first thing was
he was NOT happy that the train that sometimes runs along a track suspended
from the ceiling and going through the whole restaurant was not running. He
would not sit down, he was doing things to scare DD (almost 9 months) and
not listening.

At this point, I would have forgone the dinner and left. I might
have arranged to leave him home with a babysitter and gone
out to dinner the following evening without him.

We left to pay the bill as soon as we were done eating, and
while paying, he threw a temper tantrum over a balloon. There were a few
balloons tied to a pillar in the restaurant, and he had wanted one. We left
the restaurant with him bawling over the damn balloon, and when we walked
out the doors,

Ignore the tantrum entirely even though it's not easy.

he was right behind me and hit me. I spun around and told
him to hit me again

Why would you ask him to hit you again? You are telling him that
hitting is not acceptable, but reacting with asking him to repeat the
misbehavior? I can understand that you were angry though.

and he wouldn't, and once again, I told him hitting is not allowed
and it's not nice.

He already knows that I am sure. Since he hit you in the back, this
is hard to deal with. I don't think I would have tried to reason with
him at this point about hitting. He knows it's wrong already.

I asked him if I hit him, and he ignored me, and I told him that I do not
hit him, and he does not need to hit me.

I understand how frustrating this must have been for you.

He then refused to get in the car and stayed up on the sidewalk
behind some low bushes, standing there looking at us like we were
stupid, still bawling over that balloon.

Here it might help to just acknowledge his feelings. *I can see
you are sad that you can't have the balloon* (Btw, was this
your choice because of his bad behavior or was the restaurant
not giving the balloons away? - just curious)

DH told him to get in his seat now or we would leave without
him, and he finally got in the car, only to sit there screaming.

Don't threaten something you cannot follow through on.

I didn't even bother to start the car. DH turned around and told him
to cut this garbage out and to stop acting like that, or he'd give him
something to cry about,

I really hate this line. Does your dh really think it will stop a
child from crying to *give him something to cry for?*

and told him when we got home, he's up in his room to change and
be in bed. He stopped and we went home, with him then refusing to
get out of the car. I told him it was going to be a very cold and lonely
night if he was locked in the car over night to sleep, and by the time
DH was at our gate and I got DD out of the car, he got out as well.

I hear your frustration, but again, making threats you know you cannot
follow through with is pretty unhelpful. I am assuming you would not
have left him in the car overnight if he had refused to get out.
Better, imo, to say nothing and simply carry him out of the car.

The neighbour boy was outside, and asked DS if he was coming out
to play, and DS instantly turned around and said he has school tomorrow
and it's late. I had to run out, and not sure how getting him in bed was,
but DH said nothing when I got home, so I assume it was alright.

It's ok for your son to save face with his friend.

Firstly, is there a good way to handle situations like that? Lately, it
always seems to be something.more and more often. What should
or shouldn't be done? I, personally, don't believe that yelling and
shouting and hittiing him is the way to go. I don't believe that way
gets very far, but I am not all against spanking, getting my panties in
a knot over it when someone suggests or mentions it. I've just found
IME that it seems to be pointless and not the way to get a message
across. My parents are from the days of the strap, I'm from the days
of spanking, and it seems DS is from the days of just not being able
to get the message. I've been trying to keep my calm (yes, I do have
a temper when my buttons are pushed) and talk. He's good at ignoring.
Gets that from his dad. How do you deal with a 5 year old just being a
downright brat?

The first thing to try to do (no, not easy, but essential) is to clear
your mind of the label. He's not a brat, he is in need of learning
how to behave. Instead of telling him what he can't do, try to state
what he can do. *You can run around outside after dinner* Use
when then statements *When we finish are meal, then you can play
with your blocks (or something else he really wants to do).

Prepare him ahead of time when you are going out by asking him
to tell you what the rules are if he knows them or restating them
clearly for him before you go. *When we get to the restaurant, we
will all sit down and have our meal. You will get to pick out your
meal. We will have some toys at the table to play with (coloring
books work if he likes to draw or bring some small toys he can
play with quietly while you wait for the meal).* Try to have
something that will occupy him in situations where you know he
has trouble behaving.

Give him warnings of transitions. *When you finish that puzzle, then
it will be time to get on your jacket* *When the timer rings (a
kitchen timer is a great investment and you can bring it with you
when you are out), then it will be time to leave.*

I think you need to be proactive with him when he is calm to try to
teach him how to handle his emotions in a better way.

You may want to read *How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen
So Kids Will Talk* by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. This will
give you some ways to change how you talk to him and get away
from labelling him a brat. He may be acting out partly because he
sees this as his *role* I know you probably don't call him a brat to
his face, but your reaction to his behavior does show him that he
is labelled that way.

I would read some books with him that help him deal with angry
feelings. A really good one for five year olds is *It's Hard to Be
Five : Learning How to Work My Control Panel* by Jamie Lee Curtis
I also like *When Sophie Gets Angry, Very, Very Angry* by Molly Bang

You can also try role playing with him. Use puppets or just play the
roles yourself. Try different scenes and have him come up with
different ways he could have acted that would not make anyone mad.

When he is angry, try to acknowledge his feelings even though you
don't like his behavior. Just saying *I can see you are angry
about....* can often defuse anger. You can also try humor. *I'm the
dinosaur monster and I'm going to tickle your angries out* Sometimes
that kind of thing works to get everyone laughing instead of being
angry.

When he is calm try teaching him how to breathe for stress relief.
I posted the techniques we show preschoolers in a thread FAO Catherine
W recently. I can repost that if you wish. After you teach it, then
you can use it when he is angry by saying breathe and doing one of the
breathing techniques yourself to help start him off.

Also, a couple days ago, DS, DD and I were in the car. Can't remember where
we were going or why, but he was at it again. He sat in the back seat
saying, "I hate you." over and over again. I simply said, "That's fine. I
still love you." and he started screaming and saying he hates me over and
over. I finally just ignored it, but to be honest, I was trying my hardest
not to burst out laughing. He then, after about 2 minutes of "I hate you"
over and over again, he gave up when he got no reaction from me when I was
ignoring him, so he went on to say, "I hate Amie (DD)" and I said, "Well,
that's not nice at all. You know she doesn't hate you." and he said he did
not want her to sit next to him in the car, so the next day, I moved her car
seat from the middle seat to the side so they were on opposite sides of the
car. Next day, he said he wanted her seat to beside his seat and said he
does not hate her. Moving her seat, actually, was something I had been
wanting to do for a while, actually, since it made it a lot easier to have
space between the car seat and booster seat to be able to do up the seatbelt
for DS's booster seat. I was actually waiting for the OK from the health
center and also Alberta Transport if my one back shoulder belt would be
alright to use for a baby's seat. They called back and said it was
perfectly fine to use, as since the shoulder belt part won't retract, the
lap part was still just fine and with the locking clip, it would turn into
like a regular lap belt and would be just fine and just as safe to use. I
would have moved her seat over anyways, but I was waiting for the OK that
it's fine. Now about a week later, her seat is still where I had moved it
to, and he doesn't really care any more. Again, in the situation of the "I
hate you" what's the best way to handle it? I've always simply said,
"That's alright. I still love you" but that seems to make him even more
mad, and never before has he said he hates his sister. He has said he hates
me but loves his sister, or he's said to DH or I that he hates one but loves
the other. Should this behavior be ignored completely? What kind of words,
if any, should I say back to him? I find I have trouble NOT laughing, I
just kind of find it funny, and know he doesn't mean it, but still... It's
funny to me, and I know laughing to myself, over the situation or at him is
not the way to go.

I understand your reaction. You might try saying *I know you are
angry with me right now.* As to his saying he hates his sister, you
can acknowledge that too. *Sometimes babies are annoying.*
You may want to read some books about how babies are annoying
and let him express his frustrations about having a baby around.
Sure, he loves her, but it's still a pain when she gets into his toys
and wrecks his block towers, etc. I recommend *Nobody Asked Me
If I Wanted a Baby Sister* by Martha Alexander.

You may want to read *Siblings without Rivalry* by Adele Faber and
Elaine Mazlish for tips on keeping rivalry to a minimum as the baby
grows older.

We just seem to be having general problems lately. His behavior is often
not at all acceptable. Is there anything that anyone could suggest to maybe
do with him? There's only so much I find I can do... I can only sit down
and color so long, watch TV with him for so long or play a game for so long.
Is there activities that can be done that work around a normal lifestyle?
Is there anything that you've found has worked? Should we walk to the park
more often and let him burn off energy?

This might be helpful and both he and baby would probably enjoy it.

Should I take away events like going to the park with bad behavior?

No, I would not suggest that. All that will do is make things worse,
imo.

A while back elsewhere, someone had suggested doing like a sticker chart
- get a sticker for every day that there's good behavior or whatever...
Would something like that work?

Too general and it will backfire, imo.

You may want to do a sticker chart for one specific behavior
though just to get him started on doing something good. I think
that you can't do it for *good behavior* in general though.

Pick ONE thing to focus on and pick something positive that
is not too hard to monitor.

List of activities or doings for every day, and every time during
the day that this is met, should he get one sticker and work up
to lots? I don't really want to try and bribe, reverse mentality
doesn't seem to work... Anyone have any ideas that we can try?
Either for DH and him, DS and I, the whole family?

I would do a lot of catching him being good. Ignore the bad behaviors
as much as you can and focus on the good ones you want to see more
of. Don't overpraise, but notice and encourage. When he is playing
quietly by himself, for example, say *you played a long time by
yourself. Do you want me to play with you for a while now?* When
he cleans up, say *you put all the blocks away* When he helps you
with something say *that was a big help,* etc.

The listening is a bit harder to deal with, but....

First of all, monitor how you listen to him. You should make sure
that when he wants to tell you something, you are attentive and that
you don't allow adult conversation to *interrupt* him. If an adult
wants to talk to you when he is trying to talk to you, ask the adult
politely to wait until your conversation with ds is done.

Second, try to eliminate all the threats. Say something once and
than act to get compliance. Do wait for a short while for compliance,
but if it does not happen, you need to act to enforce it or to give
him a consequence right away. Make sure that you have his attention
when you ask for compliance. Don't yell across the room. Go up to
him and touch him if necessary.

You have a difficult situation to deal with. You are not alone. The
ages of 4 and 5 are difficult ages to deal with.

Good luck!

Dorothy

--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits
.