Re: Sleep and older children


Banty wrote:
But think of, for example, the alcholic kid in a household that apparently had
it all together. That his household had it together likely made the difference
between skid row and AA meetings.

No, I think I didn't explain this thoroughly enough.

Her parents were pretty rigid and strict. Her mom was damned &
determined not to have her kids get into drugs & alcohol and all that.
They were also from another country, and fiercely protective of the
family time stuff - her parents didn't want her to lose her culture,
didn't want her to become like all those other rotten, ill-behaved,
lazy, troublesome American teens.

She had a long list of chores and responsibilities around the house.
Very big into health stuff - I remember that. She had to drink three
glasses of milk a day, take her vitamins, no junk food allowed, early
to bed and early to rise. T.v. time was severely limited to one night
(with family) a week. No long calls tying up the phone. No makeup until
age 16. I also remember they had a ton of family rituals, and there was
always some religious holiday they were observing with no friends
allowed over. Extended family visited often. When family was visiting,
I couldn't see my friend because she was required to be with aunts,
uncles, cousins etc every minute. I also remember Saturdays when she
couldn't go out and play until she finished her chores.

I had far more freedom and independence than she did. I got to observe
her family up close, because she was rarely allowed over my house (mom
wanted to keep constant tabs), but my parents allowed me over to hers.

I was raised well, I think, even if my mom waited on us hand-and-foot
and I didn't learn certain valuable life skills like cleaning and
cooking. My family was more relaxed and took the attitude that the teen
years were when you started letting go. We did have a lot of
interactive family time, but it always felt more like a choice than a
requirement. If someone chose not to spend time with the family, that
was okay. And yes, we were allowed to stay up late and sleep in late,
particularly in the summer.

Don't get me wrong... yes, I did my share of stupid rebellious teen
things, but that stage didn't last all that long for me. My parents
where there to guide me when I got into trouble, but mostly I feel like
I had just enough freedom to make some really stupid decisions, and
quickly learn from them.

I think my friend's mom viewed my parents as being too lax, and me as a
potential bad influence on her daughter. The reality was that my friend
was a *far* worse influence on me, than me on her!! She was the one
that talked me into sneaking out my window. She was the one that got me
to smoke my first cigarette, and to introduce me to pot (I experimented
during junior high, gave it up completely and have never touched the
stuff since). She was the one that talked me into sipping my first
alcoholic drink.

My parents knew my friend was a bad influence, but instead of banning
me from being with her, they simply talked to me about it, voicing
their concerns, and acting like advisors. I always knew I could confide
in my parents when my friend's drama got to be too much for me to
handle, and I did - often!

In the beginning, my girlfriend did a fairly good job hiding all her
rebellious actions from her parents. But alcoholism was in her viens,
and once she had that first sip it escalated quickly and dramatically.
Very scary: by age 15 she was bringing alcohol to the bus stop, and
hiding bottles in her locker. By age 16, she was driving and I was the
one taking the car keys away to ensure she didn't kill someone. It
became bad enough in high school she couldn't hide it from her parents
any longer. She was in and out of rehab throughout high school.

So her mom wasn't strict because her daughter was in trouble - her mom
was strict and that caused my friend to rebel when she hit 13. There
was too much intensity in that family, and my friend was craving
independence but kept on a leash that was way too short.

It wasn't until her parents completely gave up on her - and I did too -
that my friend finally hit rock bottom. That's when she sobered up. She
and her mom now enjoy a close relationship, but it is different. It is
close, but not in-your-face & emmeshed. My friend comes home often to
see her mom, but she asserts her boundaries with her or else she'd get
consumed again.

jen

.

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