Re: I'm ready to stop being the mom


dragonlady wrote:
In article <1139415287.127471.210550@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>,
cjrohr31@xxxxxxxxxxx wrote:

dragonlady wrote:

I'm not really asking how to make her stop telling me about the things
she's worried about; a person ought to be able to talk things over with
her Mom, no matter HOW old she is. Heck, I still like to talk to my Mom
when I'm worried about something. My concern is more about my reaction
-- I'm finding it emotionally exhausting in a way I don't like.

That's reasonable. And I don't really know how to tell you to react.
That said, as an adult kid who's had frequent worries I knew would only
upset my mom, I've learned what to tell her and what not to tell her.
She's never said "don't talk to me about that", but as an adult I
learned that certain things only serve to upset her so as an adult, it
was better for me to turn to other friends and family for support on
that issue. Being a mom, even tho her kids all over 33-50 yrs old, she
still worries and wants to 'fix' their problem and never really learned
she can't....so we learned to only give her worries she *can* fix!

This is interesting for me to think about -- when my kids were younger,
I certainly knew how to listen to their problems without thinking I had
to "fix" them.

And certainly one of the things a person learns in Al-Anon (or any other
12 step program) is how to stay on your own side of the street.

My mom has been improving on that in the past few years - recognising
that she can't fix all her kids' worries. But it's taken a VERY long
time! (perhaps it helps that my issues are often so far outside her
realm of comprehension....that said, she really loved visiting me when
I lived in Thailand as it gave her some insight when I complained about
day to day things).

As an adult child, it's also useful to know what she *can* fix, or at
least think she can help with (and this goes about 100x for my dad), so
we can still come to them with problems and they like being needed.

.

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