Re: UPDATE: playgroup fiasco


Catherine Woodgold wrote:
> To "-L.":
>
> I guess it's either some sort of discrimination, or a social
> thing like shyness.
>
> Suppose it's a social thing. Maybe she and her family are
> the quiet type. Maybe they like to come to the playgroup and
> interact with two or three other children but large numbers are
> just overwhelming to them. Maybe she can't think of any more
> polite way to turn people away than just ignoring them. (I'd
> have trouble with that myself.) Maybe she thinks it's rude
> to stand there holding out a toy for minutes at a time when the
> other person is obviously not interested.

I don't let it go on that long. If she doesn't respond to him, I
usually steer him away. I think he has only approached her maybe 3
times altogether.

> Maybe she thinks
> the best way to teach a 2-year-old not to do this is to
> continue ignoring him.

Possibly.

> Possibly your children
> are too energetic for her or have been seen being a bit
> aggressive (hitting, grabbing), possibly while you weren't
> looking??

He's never unattended and he is *far* from agressive. He's a total
follower - will approach other kids, sit next to them and watch what
they do long before he tries to interact. The only people he has ever
tried to hit is DH and I when he didn't want to do something.



> Possibly she looks for certain specific personality
> types and relates to them and ignores everyone else??
> Maybe her kids have privately told her they're afraid of,
> or don't like, your child for some reason??

I can't see how - we have only been around them once when this first
happened and then a couple more times.

>
> If it's a racial thing: Here's an idea for how to handle it
> but I don't know whether it's a good idea or not. You could
> approach her and say fairly loudly (loud enough for others
> to hear) something like "Excuse me -- I'd like to find out
> whether you're interested in chatting with me occasionally?"
> If she doesn't answer, you can say loud enough for others
> to hear (but not shouting), "I feel ignored by <name>."
> "I feel excluded by <name>." "I feel it's reasonable at
> least to get an answer from you, yes or no, whether you're
> interested in chatting." "Excuse me: are you hard of hearing?"
> (said in front of her, using sign language at the same time,
> but politely and sincerely)
> You can look around and try to make eye contact with others
> while saying these things. There is the possibility that she (or
> even possibly others in the room) will respond with open
> racial hatred.

Not likely. hardly anyone one will openly be racist anymore - at least
not here in Portland.


> If you're prepared for this possibility, you
> may be able to remain calm and look dignified, saying
> something like "I feel I'm being subjected to racism."
> They may just be making themselves look bad in front of
> any reasonable people in the room. I think that saying
> calmly "I believe racism is wrong." "I believe I have
> a right to ..." looks better than getting upset, and can
> gain you some respect.
>
> I hope this is helpful. No guarantees. I hope you
> figure out a way of handling it that works for you.

I think I will ask my friend if she has noticed the same behavior with
herm (the ignoring lady) and any other kids. My little guy is funny
in that he likes to approach the adults, sit by them, and hand them
toys. Maybe she just doesn't want to "cross a line" by interacting
with him. Some people are weird about letting their kids interact with
adults - she may feel this way. I don't mind that he does this as long
as the adult doesn't mind - and everyone else loves him (or seems to)
and thinks he's cute in the way he does it.

-L.

.

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