Re: listening, staying on target
- From: "shinypenny" <shinypenny0001@xxxxxxxxx>
- Date: 30 Dec 2005 08:50:05 -0800
Anonymama wrote:
> I'm so tired of asking my three-year-old son the same question more than
> once, or having to tell him multiple times what he needs to do. Even
> putting on his socks can take five minutes of trying to get him to "stay
> on target," as we say. First I have to get him to pay attention to what
> I'm asking him or telling him to do, then he needs to follow through on
> it. Without multiple reminders things just don't get done; without being
> asked several times, questions don't get answered. Not only can this get
> frustrating, it's really, really, boring.
>
> Lately I've tried telling him things just once. It doesn't seem to work.
> For example, ten minutes ago I told him that before we could go to the
> coffee shop (which he loves, and wants to do today), he had to put the
> toy he was playing with away. I told him that I wasn't going to tell him
> again, and that he should come get me when he had done it. I suspect
> it's going to be a long wait. It isn't that he'd rather play with the
> toy -- it's just that it didn't sink in.
>
> We know to break things down into little steps and ask him only one
> thing at a time, so that isn't the issue. He doesn't have a hearing
> problem.
>
> We have photos of his morning routine on the wall, which helped a bit as
> far as that goes.
>
> Any advice? He's going to be evaluated for ADHD-type behavior in a few
> weeks, if that's relevant, but I think this is pretty "normal" (although
> to a lesser degree) for his age.
Well, even if he was old enough to be tested for ADHD, I'd have to say
it seems to me the child has no trouble paying attention and staying on
target. He is just staying on target with what *he* wants to do - not
what you want him to do!
As others have already said, this is definetly normal for this age.
Bear in mind that children this young have little concept of time.
Remember when you were young, and summer seemed to drag on endlessly
forever, but nowadays it's gone in a wink? For your child, when you say
"5 minutes" he has little concept of what that means. "5 minutes" can
seem to him like two hours to you.
Also this is the age where he is busy doing what he needs to do,
mastering what he wants to master and should be mastering. So maybe
getting his socks on is just not on his current developmental to-do
list. Maybe he's being driven to master something else entirely right
now - playing with that toy. Play is how children learn and master what
they are supposed to be mastering at any given point in time.
Of course this is probably little consolation if you must get out the
door each morning by a certain time. I realize that, and I recognize I
was fortunate back then to be a SAHM and not need to go anywhere. I
recall this stage fairly well: I gave up trying to get the kids out of
the house at any set, routine time each day. I was glad I had the
option not to. Instead, I just let them follow their own instincts and
if playing with a toy was more important and taking up all their
attention and focus, then I learned to be patient and just let them
play. I waited until they were bored and ready for a different sort of
stimulation. That's when I'd take them out to do the errands and stuff,
and they'd be much more receptive and easier going on the trip out.
It is true some kids that age thrive on routines, and parent-led
agendas. Not all do. My DD#1 did not. I learned quickly to relax and go
with the flow of her own agenda. In preschool one of the teachers
suggested she get tested for ADD. Today? The teachers and pediatrician
all laugh at that... no way does she have ADD. It's true that often I'd
worry she had a hearing problem or at least a highly selective one that
just didn't want to listen to her mom. And she did indeed have hearing
issues early on (fluid in her ear), but even after that got cleared up,
she has cont'd to this day to be a selective listener as well as an
absent-minded daydreamer. But she grew up just fine and she's doing
very well today. She's got plenty of attention for things that she is
curious about, interested in, and that ignite her imagination.
Thankfully these days I can say, "Want to go to the mall?" and instead
of ignoring me she's got her shoes and coat on in 30 seconds flat....
that's what happens when they become teens. ;-)
My only advice to surviving this stage is to possibly consider
compromising with his agenda a little bit more, instead of asking him
to follow yours. But I don't know if you have the luxury to do that?
Maybe you work and need to get him to daycare by a certain time?
If not, if you are a SAHM, consider rearranging your usual routine. If
he seems more likely to get caught up in play during morning hours,
then try running errands in the afternoon instead, or even at night or
on weekends without him. I did this for several months around this age
- yes, it was a sacrifice but better than daily power struggles and
frustrating scenes. For social contact during that period, we simply
hosted playdates instead of struggling to get out to them.
This needn't go on like this forever - it may just be a phase and in
another 3, 6, 12 months, it too will pass. Definetly by K; most kids
by that age are easier in this regard (which is one reason why K
doesn't start until age 5 or 6).
jen
.
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