Re: Teaching to ask nicely- what methods work?
- From: an588@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (Catherine Woodgold)
- Date: 17 Dec 2005 16:09:18 GMT
I've been in similar patterns. I think I was unconsciously
reinforcing the behaviour.
If the child asked nicely, I might not even hear them, or
at best I'd start to really pay attention halfway through
the sentence. I was usually tired and busy and likely to
say no to a lot of things.
But if the child asked loudly, my adrenaline level would go
up. I would be alert and focus my attention on the child.
If I asked them to say it again nicely, I would be looking
at the child and really listening through the whole sentence
while they asked nicely. And then I would be likely to say yes,
because I'd really listened and had time to realize their
request was reasonable, or because it seemed wrong to say no
after they'd asked nicely at my request, or because I wanted
to discourage them from getting loud again.
So I was actually, without meaning to, training them to ask
loudly the first time and go through the ritual of asking
nicely after I asked them to.
There may also be a dynamic like this: it's undignified for
the child to ask nicely right after being told to do so.
But once that pattern is set up, the child might find it even
more undignified to ask nicely the first time -- sort-of like
giving in and letting the parent win.
Some ideas, some of which I may have used:
-- yes, tell them to ask again, nicely this time. However,
after doing that a few times (or once or twice, or for a few
days or weeks), move on to the next step (and then the next
step after that, etc.) They aren't stupid. A two-year-old
is perfectly capable of asking nicely in a nice tone of voice
with "please" and everything, unless they're not up to two-word
sentences yet. The next step could be "how do we ask?" and
then as soon as they seem to "get" that, the next step after
that could be "excuse me?" or "what did you say?" or just
looking at them expectantly with a raised eyebrow. Then after
doing that a few times, the next step could be just ignoring
them (though it's important to not ignore them if they're
screaming in a real emergency or semi-emergency, e.g. crying
because they're in pain.)
-- perhaps better than the above: when they ask wrong,
say something dismissive and then act as if the conversation
is over, until they say something else. Don't look at them
or wait expectantly for them to ask again nicely. Turn away
and focus your mind on what you were just doing. Then when
they say something else, act exactly the way you would if that
were the first thing they said -- complete with not quite
hearing the first few words, etc. Dismissive things to say
in response to the rude request could be: "My ears hurt."
"When you talk like that, I feel taken for granted." "I feel
as if someone's yelling at me." "I don't deserve to be
yelled at." "I would need to hear courtesy." It's OK if
you use words or phrases they might not understand; they will
immediately understand that you're talking about your feelings
and that you're not immediately fulfilling their request, and
they will begin learning the meanings of the words and phrases
which will come in handy later. I find that when words are
used in context the children often catch on right away.
-- You could just ignore them until they begin to ask
nicely, and turn and look at them partway through their
sentence while they're asking nicely. You could ignore
them until they've been quiet and/or courteous for at
least the length of time they had been being rude; perhaps
best to phase this habit in gradually over a few days
or a few incidents so they don't go ballistic over being
ignored for a few seconds. An option is to say "just a minute"
and look busy. For example: rude request --> ignore;
polite request after rude request --> "just a minute";
polite request the first time --> look at child and
answer immediately. After saying "just a minute" and
waiting, you can then say "What were you asking?" and
then answer either yes or no, perhaps first thanking them
for their patience.
I can think of three forms of "currency" a parent can use
to reward the child for being polite: saying "yes" to the
request; paying attention to the child; and showing
warm emotion toward the child. For example, a parent
who yells at the child "Don't yell at me like that!" is
not saying yes and is not showing warm emotion, but is
paying attention to the child, which can reinforce the
child's yelling behaviour. Similarly, waiting patiently
and listening after asking the child to say it again nicely
is a form of attention and can reinforce the rude request.
If the child asks nicely and you want to reward that,
I think it's good to tell them what they want to hear
immediately. So if it's going to be "yes", I would (usually) say
that first, and then thank them for asking nicely, which
isn't as high on their list of things they want to hear.
But if it's going to be "no", I would first thank them
for asking nicely, so they at least get an immediate
reward for asking nicely, and then say no after that.
However, I think it's good to occasionally mix up the
order, and to use the same cheerful tone of voice when
thanking them whether it's going to be yes or no, so that
they don't immediately know, when you thank them for asking
nicely, that it's going to be "no"; that way they can
enjoy the thanks. But if, most of the time, you tell them
what they want to hear first after they ask nicely, I think
that helps. (Man, this seems complicated sometimes.)
I think if you form firm expectations in your mind that
your children should ask nicely and from now on they
generally will, then they tend to come up to those expectations.
I think there are very subtle signs a parent can give
and it's a lot easier if the parent does it subconsiously
rather than trying to analyse everything. If you visualize
your children asking nicely, then when they ask rudely maybe
you'll show a little surprise or something, very subtly, and
maybe that's what it takes.
Or maybe it would help to just once reply to a rude
request with "I'm really surprised how long it's taking
you to learn how to ask!"
I don't think it's a good idea to tell a person that the
reason you're saying "no" is because of the way they asked,
and I don't think it's a good idea to have such a clear
pattern of saying "no" every time they ask badly that it's
obvious to them that that's the reason. Saying "no" just
because of the way someone asked is too spiteful and
potentially infuriating. It doesn't set a good example.
I think it's OK to shift the odds somewhat and be more
likely to say "yes" if they ask nicely, but I think it's
important how it's done:
The following attitudes could be either spoken or implied:
Better way:
rude request --> "No, I'm sorry, I'm really too tired."
polite request --> "Well, I'm really tired, but since
you asked so nicely, I think I can push myself to do it."
(Or just "yes".)
Not recommended:
rude request --> "No, because I don't like the way you asked."
polite request --> "Yes."
To put it another way: I think when someone says "no"
to a request, it's good to express regret ("I'm sorry") and
give a reasonable reason, but "I don't like the way you asked"
is not the type of reason I mean. The expression of
regret is not an admission of doing anything wrong; it's
to show that you're on their side, that you'd like to fulfill
their request if you could, and that the reason for saying
"no" is not to punish them or gloat over their discomfort,
but only because some practical reason makes it difficult to do.
This improves the chances of maintaining a positive,
mutually generous relationship even though you're saying "no".
Setting a good example: Rather than "say it again, nicely", you
can say, with a nice smile, "Would you please say it again nicely?"
Maybe you already do this (and anyway I give other different
suggestions above). When asking the child to say it again
or when thanking the child for being polite, I think it's
important to realize that this situation may be embarassing
or undignified for the child, so you can use your words, tone of voice
and facial expression to communicate warmth or a matter-of-fact
attitude or something to make it as clear as possible that you're not
expressing superiority, condescension, or gloating.
(The required manner depends on what the particular child
is open to at that time; varies with age and parent-child
relationship. I think if you're just aware the child might
be embarassed and follow your intuition it usually works out.)
Another suggestion is to aim for this pattern:
Divide the child's requests into "more polite than
average for this child these days" and "less polite
than average for this child these days". Even
reacting to very small differences can work.
If it works, soon the child will improve at least a
little and the improvement will probably accelerate.
Then you can react like this:
to a more polite request --> look at the child. Express warmth.
Be more likely to say yes (or make sure you're at least
equally likely to say yes). A warm yes can be:
look at the child, smile and immedately say "yes".
A warm "no" can sound like this:
"I wish we could." (with a hug or coming close and looking
into the child's face, etc.) or "That's a good idea -- maybe
we can do that tomorrow", or "that would be difficult, but how about ..."
(other suggestion that fulfills some of the same needs).
A request to go to the playground could be answered "Well,
it's raining, but let's put some chairs in the middle of
the room and climb on them like a playstructure. The
ironing board can be the slide", enthusiastically doing so.
to a less polite request --> don't look at the child. "yeah, go ahead",
or "no, I'm sorry." brief answer, then continue with what
you're doing. Be less likely to say yes, or at least
make sure you're not more likely to say yes.
(This is just another idea. Other suggestions above
might be better.)
"Cathy Weeks" (kathyspam@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx) writes:
> Ok...
> Our habit has always been with the kids, that IF they don't ask nicely
> for something, to ask them to re-phrase it nicely, and *then* they get
> what they want (if it's reasonable, that is).
>
> However, they never really seem to make the leap to asking nicely the
> *first* time. Or, if they do, it takes a really, really long time.
>
> The 11-year-old asks nicely the first time much of the time, but it's
> not a consistent thing, and he often forgets.
>
> The 4-year-old forgets ALL THE TIME, and it's DRIVING ME CRAZY.
>
> It ranges from "Mommy, I want a story, RIGHT now!!" to if her brother
> gets some lemonade, then she says "I want some!!!" (Actually, they
> both do this pretty regularly).
>
> I've been thinking of adopting a policy of "no" to any rudely phrased
> request.
>
> I'd like to hear from other parents who have done this, and tell me if
> this worked. I'm most interested in hearing from parents who perceived
> a problem, and took steps to fix it, rather than parents who used this
> method from the getgo (and so never really had a problem) but any
> stories at all are helpful.
>
> Cathy Weeks
>
.
- References:
- Teaching to ask nicely- what methods work?
- From: Cathy Weeks
- Teaching to ask nicely- what methods work?
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