Some advice for parents shopping for teens and vice versa

Some advice for parents shopping for teens and vice versa
By Christopher Caskey -- Bee Staff Writer
Published 2:15 am PST Saturday, December 10, 2005
Story appeared in Scene section, Page K1
It's time to shop for the impossible-to-buy-for.

Moms and dads, you don't exactly make it easy for teens and younger
kids who haven't mastered the art of reading minds. And figuring out
those fickle teenage desires is about as easy as predicting the
weather.

So here are some tips from experts and family counselors to help you
find the right gift for your teen or parent this holiday - one that
won't find its way to the back of the closet before the new year.

What your parents really want for Christmas
1. Make it personal.
A thoughtful, personal gift can really make a parent's holiday season,
so a sentimental photograph or letter often makes a huge impact.

"It is symbolically a way of saying, 'I love you and I care about
you,' " said psychologist Debra Moore, director of Fall Creek
Counseling Associates in Sacramento and Roseville. "A simple note on a
card or something personal will probably be valued more than
(jewelry)."

2. Your time also is a gift.
Since teenagers often have busy schedules with school and activities,
quality time is a prized commodity for a parent.

Does your mom like coffee? Get her a gift card to her favorite cafe,
and include a promise to get coffee with her one afternoon. Does your
dad like sports? You can buy a pair of tickets to a baseball game -
one for you and one for him.

"You're giving multiple gifts," said Alex J. Packer, a psychologist
and author of numerous books for teenagers. "You're not just giving
the object, but you're giving the message that you really put yourself
into the selection."

3. It's the thought that counts.
Sign your parent and yourself up for a yoga class, or maybe a trip on
which you spend the whole weekend together.

"I'll tell you, parents go crazy for stuff like that," Packer said.

Packer said being thoughtful and considerate with your parents can be
good for everyone.

"If you want to be trusted ... and to have all the freedom, the way to
get it is to be responsible and attentive toward your parents," Packer
said. "I think that's called a win-win situation."

4. What's cool for you might not be cool for them.
Just because your best friend looks great in those hip-hugger jeans
doesn't mean your mom wants a pair, too.

Instead of trying to keep her hip, think about finding something that
already fits her personal sense of style.

"I think kids can use this (as a) rule of thumb," said Jennifer
Escalas, a professor of management and marketing at Vanderbilt
University in Nashville, Tenn. "Don't give your parent a bellybutton
ring."

5. Remember that rituals count.
Although it is easy for parents and teens to be overwhelmed by the
commercialism that can dominate the holiday season, Packer stresses
that giving gifts is an important cultural ritual that brings out the
child in everyone.

"Rituals around the holidays and birthdays are among the healthiest
moments (of) family interaction," Packer said. "I don't think we
should let cynicism ... taint the fact that rituals are just a
wonderful part of life." 6. It's a chance to show your independence.

With more independence and maybe some disposable income from an
after-school job, the teenage years offer a chance for kids to start
doing their own holiday shopping.

"You're starting to get a bigger perspective," Moore said. "You're not
the center of the world all the time, and relationships are becoming
more reciprocal."

How to shop for your teen
1. Go with what you know.
Just because you're clueless about teen culture doesn't mean you're
clueless about your teen.

"(Think about) their hobbies and what their dreams are," said
psychologist Debra Moore, director of Fall Creek Counseling Associates
in Sacramento and Roseville. "If you don't know, don't ask a sales
associate. Ask (your teens), and listen to what they're talking
about."

If your son loves the outdoors, maybe get him a guide to local scenic
hikes. Is your daughter always drawing pictures on her notebooks?
Stuff her stocking with a sketch pad and some charcoal pencils.

"All the name brands in the world don't make up for (saying), 'I know
who you are,' " Moore said.

2. Get something they want, not something you think they should want.
"Teenagers look for symbols from their peer groups instead of their
parents," said Jennifer Escalas, a professor of management and
marketing at Vanderbilt University. "By the time the parent figures
out what's cool, it isn't cool anymore."

Unfortunately, what's cool with friends sometimes isn't cool in the
home, as with objectionable clothes, video games or music.

In these cases, Escalas suggests trying to meet them halfway.

Even if you won't get him a violent, gory video game, recognize that
games are important to him. See if there's another game he might want
that you can both agree on.

"Get a gift that recognizes who the child is," Escalas said. "But do
this within the boundaries of what you believe is in the best interest
of the child."

3. Do your research.
Parents have to deal with trends and technology that are changing more
rapidly than ever.

If your 15-year-old has a digital camera at the top of her list, that
only narrows your choices down to hundreds of brands, types and sizes.

"Teens have become phenomenally gifted consumers," said author and
public speaker Stacy DeBroff. "It used to be all about surprising
them, but now if you go get them the (iPod) Shuffle, they're like,
'Why didn't you get me the (iPod) Nano?'

"If you bring a cellular phone home, they ask how many text messages
come with the package."

DeBroff suggests talking to other parents about what their teenagers
are asking for and seeing what they have to say about the different
products.

The Internet can be a great research tool for high-tech toys, too. Web
sites such as www.cnet.com offer user reviews and specifications for
all sorts of gadgets, from iPods to tripods.

Make sure you have plenty of questions and an idea of what you're
looking for when you get to the store, DeBroff said.

Store employees can answer questions, but some may have an incentive
to direct you a particular way.

"They're trying to push the product," she said.

4. Let them know the spending limit ahead of time.
There's no problem with setting up limits and expectations early on,
said Marilynn Irvine, a licensed family therapist and professor of
psychology at the University of Phoenix in Sacramento.

She suggests using a list and talking it over with your teen.

If something on the list is too expensive, try negotiating. Suggest
the possibility of going in together on the purchase, she said.

"Listen without controlling, and provide guidance and structure,"
Irvine said.

DeBroff agreed, saying that informing your teen of the budget can make
it easier on him or her as well.

"If they know you're willing to spend $100, it helps them think about
what it is they want," DeBroff said.

5. Gift certificates aren't evil.
Some may think that gift cards and money are thoughtless, but they're
becoming increasingly popular ways to make sure your teens will get
exactly what they want.

"I don't think a teen would complain too much if you gave them the
gift of going shopping," Moore said.

And with such a variety of retailers, there can still be some
sentiment behind it.

"If you've got a teen and you know they're glued to their (headphones)
24 hours a day, get them a gift certificate to (a record store)," said
author Alex J. Packer.

http://www.sacbee.com/content/lifestyle/family/story/13958200p-14792482c.html

====
"I don't care (if I get booed). I don't know any of those people. As long as my kids tell me that they love me, I'm fine. My motto is, when people talk about me, I say, 'Who are they? They're not God.' If God was out there booing me, I'd be upset."
-- Bonzi Wells, Sacramento Kings
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