Re: Homework for a 5 year old - how much involvement needed.


dragonlady wrote:
> In article <1132032567.823131.186940@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>,
> "MsLiz" <judgedl@xxxxxxxxx> wrote:
>
> > dragonlady wrote:
> > > In article <1132025480.662089.70210@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>,
> > > "MsLiz" <judgedl@xxxxxxxxx> wrote:
> > >
> > > > I have her in sports
> > > > > > and she plays two musical instruments....it keeps her busy but not
> > > > > > busy
> > > > > > enough to stay out of this girly girl drama stuff!
> > > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > There IS no such thing as too busy for this girl-drama stuff at this
> > > > > age.
> > > >
> > > > Okay, I should have said "less time" :-)
> > > > >
> > > > > Somehow, they always find time for this. It is apparently an important
> > > > > (and really aggrevating) developmental stage.
> > > >
> > > > Wake me when it's over, would ya?
> > >
> > > The good news is -- it DOES end eventually.
> > >
> > > Really.
> >
> > Thanks, I needed to hear that.
> > >
> > >
> > > > I wrote this post this afternoon and
> > > > at 3:30 in walked my child. Teary eyed which turned into sobs. The
> > > > girl who she likes the least in her class started a rumor that my
> > > > daughter liked a boy named XXXXX, fully knowing that my daughter liked
> > > > him for a day, two months ago. The rumor (which according to my DD)
> > > > informed 20-30 people and one of those people is QUEEN BEE who was
> > > > angry that DD liked XXXX since she once liked him last year. All I can
> > > > say is Oh-My-God. After letting her vent for a while, I gave her a few
> > > > options that she had (she begged me to call the mom and inform her that
> > > > her daughter is spreading rumors) and told her that she could use any
> > > > of the options. In the meantime, your options are play one of your
> > > > instruments, go shoot some hoops or journal. She picked the computer,
> > > > ended up chatting with a good friend of hers and was fine.
> > >
> > > God, that sounds so familiar. It is so hard (and so necessary) to not
> > > get caught up in their drama -- to sympathize with the fact that they
> > > are in pain/angry/whatever, but without buying into it.
> >
> > It's a learning curve with me way at the bottom.
> >
> > My kids never
> > > asked me to intervene (absent real physical danger, they knew it was
> > > pretty unlikely), and I learned to not offer ideas unless they asked --
> > > it seemed to work better, at least with my kids, to just listen and
> > > sympathize, but wait for them to ask for advice, even about how to move
> > > on.
> >
> > I need work on this one, big time. I do sometimes say, "is there
> > anything I can do to help?" Too often I give her suggestions.
> > >
> > > Sometimes, I felt like I was getting emotional whiplash from how fast
> > > they'd turn from miserable to happy, or vice versa, based on what was
> > > going on at school and around them. It's taken me years to even get
> > > CLOSE to not letting their emotional state pull me off my own center.
> >
> > Please, let me know some of your tips!!! I'm shocked at the turn
> > around. My husband listened to us this am, as I was trying to point
> > out to her that I did not appreciate the face that she made. She
> > yelled at me that she didn't make a face. I let her know that if I
> > tell her that she made a face, she does not have the right to get angry
> > at me. This went on for a few minutes and he went upstairs to get
> > dressed. By the time he came down, she and I were chatting about the
> > fact that they sell crispy creme donuts in Australia (the Food Channel
> > was on). He looked at me as if to say, "I do not believe that the two
> > of you are calmly discussing donuts after the conversation that you
> > just had." I'm starting to get used to how quickly moods swing. And
> > this is BEFORE she has gotten her first period!
> > >
> > > In some ways, I think living with 4 teenagers for a stretch had some
> > > benefits: generally, at any one time, at least ONE of them was in a
> > > good mood!
> >
> > Well, I just have her. My son left for college and has lived in an
> > apartment for several years. He is blown away by her "girlness" when
> > he comes over to visit :-)
> > > >
> > > > CALGON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take me away :-)
> > >
> > > That sounds good....
> >
> > Do you recommend any absolutely fantastic daughter/mother books? I've
> > read a few but nothing that knocked my socks off. One was something
> > like "Mom I hate you. Can you take me and Cheryl to the Mall?" It was
> > cute but no great shakes. Even though I'm a woman and grew up with two
> > sisters; I'm going through some kind of culture shock with the girl
> > stuff.
> > > > >
> > >
> > > --
> > > Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care
> >
>
> I wish I had a whole bunch of really, really good suggestions, but I do
> have a few.
>
> The book "Reviving Ophelia" helped me understand what was going on with
> my daughters. I don't know that it helped my parenting -- but
> understanding better couldn't hurt.
>
> I've been told the book "Queen Bees and Wanna Bees" (at least, I THINK
> that's the title) is pretty good, but I haven't read it, so I can't
> confirm; I became aware of it after my daughters were past the target
> age.
>
> "Positive Discipline for Teens" offers some good suggestions for working
> with teens and pre-teens.
>
> Though it took me a while, eventually I was able to get to refusing to
> be verbally abused -- and when it started, I just left the room. I'd
> say, "I deserve better treatment than this." and go to my room and shut
> the door. (Or hang up the phone: I had one amazing afternoon of my son
> needing my help, but every time he called home he started yelling at me,
> so I hung up. It took him over half an hour to stop yelling, so he and
> I could discuss what he needed and how I could help.)
>
> Humor helped with SOME of my kids -- but not all. When they were angry
> with me, and telling me that I was ruining their life, I could say
> something like, "Good -- now you'll have something to tell your
> therapist in 10 years." This only worked if we were also talking at
> OTHER times, and having positive conversations.
>
> One of the best things I did for one of my daughters was to start to sit
> and watch a TV show with her, that *I* didn't care much for. I never
> criticized the show, and found that it gave the two of us something to
> talk about that wasn't HER life (so it wasn't personal) but still WAS
> about her life.
>
> As far as the "face" thing goes (and the ability to communicate total
> disdain with just a facial expression is AMAZING at this age!) -- I
> decided at some point to just ignore it. I tried to get DH to do the
> same. Somehow, it seemed to me that the best way to extinguish this
> behavior was to just not respond to it, and also to not do any of it
> myself. I responded only to words and actions -- I tried to not even
> respond to tone of voice, unless it was totally off the wall.
>
> I don't know if it made any difference, but they DID stop doing it
> eventually.
>
> I was lucky that my church had a good Coming of Age program that linked
> kids in 9th or 10th grade with an adult in the church, and, for one of
> my daughters, that adult mentor became a VERY important part of her
> life. In fact, she went out to lunch with her last week (she's almost
> 20 now). I worked hard to make sure they had other adults in their
> lives who would keep their confidences (so these were NOT peoiple who
> told ME things), but adults I trusted.
>
> The other piece of advice I'd give is to make sure you spend time around
> other parents of kids this age, and kids up to ten years older. The
> parents of older kids can assure you that this time will pass, and being
> with other parents of kids this age can help you just know your kid is
> normal -- and you aren't losing your mind -- and you will survive.
>
> My kids didn't make it through their teens unscathed (nor did I make it
> through their teens unscathed) -- but we DID survive it, and my 23 yo
> and I are getting along extremely well. My almost 20 yo daughter works
> closing shift at a pizza place 6 days a week, and, since I'm now temping
> "office hours", we don't see each other until she gets home from work
> most days -- but when she DOES get home, if I'm up, she comes and puts
> her head in my lap and tells me about her day. She even asks my advice
> about stuff. (My almost 20 yo son is much more distant, but he's
> applying for 4 year colleges now, and I think is trying his best to
> distance himself NOW so moving away won't be so much of a shock -- but
> we aren't fighting, we just aren't particularly close right now.)
>
> This is long and a bit rambling -- mostly, just know that this WILL
> pass, and you will both survive it.

Not at all rambling. Bless you for sharing; you have brought up
excellent points. This might even be worth printing. Have a wonderful
day dragonlady. You know, your name is what I want to call my daughter
sometimes!!!
>
> --
> Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

.

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