Re: Homework for a 5 year old - how much involvement needed.

In article <1132032567.823131.186940@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>,
"MsLiz" <judgedl@xxxxxxxxx> wrote:

> dragonlady wrote:
> > In article <1132025480.662089.70210@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>,
> > "MsLiz" <judgedl@xxxxxxxxx> wrote:
> >
> > > I have her in sports
> > > > > and she plays two musical instruments....it keeps her busy but not
> > > > > busy
> > > > > enough to stay out of this girly girl drama stuff!
> > > > >
> > > >
> > > > There IS no such thing as too busy for this girl-drama stuff at this
> > > > age.
> > >
> > > Okay, I should have said "less time" :-)
> > > >
> > > > Somehow, they always find time for this. It is apparently an important
> > > > (and really aggrevating) developmental stage.
> > >
> > > Wake me when it's over, would ya?
> >
> > The good news is -- it DOES end eventually.
> >
> > Really.
>
> Thanks, I needed to hear that.
> >
> >
> > > I wrote this post this afternoon and
> > > at 3:30 in walked my child. Teary eyed which turned into sobs. The
> > > girl who she likes the least in her class started a rumor that my
> > > daughter liked a boy named XXXXX, fully knowing that my daughter liked
> > > him for a day, two months ago. The rumor (which according to my DD)
> > > informed 20-30 people and one of those people is QUEEN BEE who was
> > > angry that DD liked XXXX since she once liked him last year. All I can
> > > say is Oh-My-God. After letting her vent for a while, I gave her a few
> > > options that she had (she begged me to call the mom and inform her that
> > > her daughter is spreading rumors) and told her that she could use any
> > > of the options. In the meantime, your options are play one of your
> > > instruments, go shoot some hoops or journal. She picked the computer,
> > > ended up chatting with a good friend of hers and was fine.
> >
> > God, that sounds so familiar. It is so hard (and so necessary) to not
> > get caught up in their drama -- to sympathize with the fact that they
> > are in pain/angry/whatever, but without buying into it.
>
> It's a learning curve with me way at the bottom.
>
> My kids never
> > asked me to intervene (absent real physical danger, they knew it was
> > pretty unlikely), and I learned to not offer ideas unless they asked --
> > it seemed to work better, at least with my kids, to just listen and
> > sympathize, but wait for them to ask for advice, even about how to move
> > on.
>
> I need work on this one, big time. I do sometimes say, "is there
> anything I can do to help?" Too often I give her suggestions.
> >
> > Sometimes, I felt like I was getting emotional whiplash from how fast
> > they'd turn from miserable to happy, or vice versa, based on what was
> > going on at school and around them. It's taken me years to even get
> > CLOSE to not letting their emotional state pull me off my own center.
>
> Please, let me know some of your tips!!! I'm shocked at the turn
> around. My husband listened to us this am, as I was trying to point
> out to her that I did not appreciate the face that she made. She
> yelled at me that she didn't make a face. I let her know that if I
> tell her that she made a face, she does not have the right to get angry
> at me. This went on for a few minutes and he went upstairs to get
> dressed. By the time he came down, she and I were chatting about the
> fact that they sell crispy creme donuts in Australia (the Food Channel
> was on). He looked at me as if to say, "I do not believe that the two
> of you are calmly discussing donuts after the conversation that you
> just had." I'm starting to get used to how quickly moods swing. And
> this is BEFORE she has gotten her first period!
> >
> > In some ways, I think living with 4 teenagers for a stretch had some
> > benefits: generally, at any one time, at least ONE of them was in a
> > good mood!
>
> Well, I just have her. My son left for college and has lived in an
> apartment for several years. He is blown away by her "girlness" when
> he comes over to visit :-)
> > >
> > > CALGON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take me away :-)
> >
> > That sounds good....
>
> Do you recommend any absolutely fantastic daughter/mother books? I've
> read a few but nothing that knocked my socks off. One was something
> like "Mom I hate you. Can you take me and Cheryl to the Mall?" It was
> cute but no great shakes. Even though I'm a woman and grew up with two
> sisters; I'm going through some kind of culture shock with the girl
> stuff.
> > > >
> >
> > --
> > Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care
>

I wish I had a whole bunch of really, really good suggestions, but I do
have a few.

The book "Reviving Ophelia" helped me understand what was going on with
my daughters. I don't know that it helped my parenting -- but
understanding better couldn't hurt.

I've been told the book "Queen Bees and Wanna Bees" (at least, I THINK
that's the title) is pretty good, but I haven't read it, so I can't
confirm; I became aware of it after my daughters were past the target
age.

"Positive Discipline for Teens" offers some good suggestions for working
with teens and pre-teens.

Though it took me a while, eventually I was able to get to refusing to
be verbally abused -- and when it started, I just left the room. I'd
say, "I deserve better treatment than this." and go to my room and shut
the door. (Or hang up the phone: I had one amazing afternoon of my son
needing my help, but every time he called home he started yelling at me,
so I hung up. It took him over half an hour to stop yelling, so he and
I could discuss what he needed and how I could help.)

Humor helped with SOME of my kids -- but not all. When they were angry
with me, and telling me that I was ruining their life, I could say
something like, "Good -- now you'll have something to tell your
therapist in 10 years." This only worked if we were also talking at
OTHER times, and having positive conversations.

One of the best things I did for one of my daughters was to start to sit
and watch a TV show with her, that *I* didn't care much for. I never
criticized the show, and found that it gave the two of us something to
talk about that wasn't HER life (so it wasn't personal) but still WAS
about her life.

As far as the "face" thing goes (and the ability to communicate total
disdain with just a facial expression is AMAZING at this age!) -- I
decided at some point to just ignore it. I tried to get DH to do the
same. Somehow, it seemed to me that the best way to extinguish this
behavior was to just not respond to it, and also to not do any of it
myself. I responded only to words and actions -- I tried to not even
respond to tone of voice, unless it was totally off the wall.

I don't know if it made any difference, but they DID stop doing it
eventually.

I was lucky that my church had a good Coming of Age program that linked
kids in 9th or 10th grade with an adult in the church, and, for one of
my daughters, that adult mentor became a VERY important part of her
life. In fact, she went out to lunch with her last week (she's almost
20 now). I worked hard to make sure they had other adults in their
lives who would keep their confidences (so these were NOT peoiple who
told ME things), but adults I trusted.

The other piece of advice I'd give is to make sure you spend time around
other parents of kids this age, and kids up to ten years older. The
parents of older kids can assure you that this time will pass, and being
with other parents of kids this age can help you just know your kid is
normal -- and you aren't losing your mind -- and you will survive.

My kids didn't make it through their teens unscathed (nor did I make it
through their teens unscathed) -- but we DID survive it, and my 23 yo
and I are getting along extremely well. My almost 20 yo daughter works
closing shift at a pizza place 6 days a week, and, since I'm now temping
"office hours", we don't see each other until she gets home from work
most days -- but when she DOES get home, if I'm up, she comes and puts
her head in my lap and tells me about her day. She even asks my advice
about stuff. (My almost 20 yo son is much more distant, but he's
applying for 4 year colleges now, and I think is trying his best to
distance himself NOW so moving away won't be so much of a shock -- but
we aren't fighting, we just aren't particularly close right now.)

This is long and a bit rambling -- mostly, just know that this WILL
pass, and you will both survive it.

--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care
.

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