Re: Explaining sister's divorce to my boys

In article <1130261374.068923.168050@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>, annie
says...
>
>
>Banty wrote:
>> Given that info, I'd say leave the subject alone unless the boys are
>> particularly close to their cousins. If they are, all you need say is that
>> "Uncle XX doesn't live with them anymore."
>
>I guess what I'm really after his how to answer the question that will
>follow. "Why?" They certainly do not need to know all the details,
>but I think I need to be able to provide some answer and I'm having a
>hard time coming up with the right words.
>
>>How do you know that your boys woudln't comprehend it or would necessarily feel
>>called upon to provide comfort? Unless in your household the idea of marriage
>> is rather explicity and ideologically or religiously discussed a lot, they're
>> really most likely to take it in stride.
>
>I don't know if I'd say we talk about it a lot, but we do make comments
>about how lucky they are to have both a Mommy and a Daddy to take care
>of them and how DH and I need each other. A young mother in our
>neighborhood was recently killed in a car accident and they were both
>devasted to think about her children not having a Mommy anymore. They
>immediately put themselves in the other kids' shoes. I know that this
>is certainly not as severe since my BIL will still be around, but I can
>imagine them putting themselves in my neice's shoes and thinking of
>what their life would be like without their own Daddy. I don't think
>they could comprehend that someone could be happy in that situation
>unless I make BIL into a bad guy, which I refuse to do. If my neice
>tells them bad things about her Daddy, then I'll deal with that later.

You don't have to explain a lot. "Uncle XXX doesn't live there anymore" may
*not* start more questions. You're not saying "Uncle XXX died"! You're saying
"Uncle XXX does not live there anymore." The most likely follow up question
you'll get is "Where does Uncle XXX live now?"

Remember the humorous stories about teaching kids the facts of life (for
example). The kid asks "Mom where did I come from?", Mom launches into a full
biological description of human reproduction, and the kid interrupts "No, I mean
Susie down the road says she's from Toledo, where did I come from?".

So, only answer the questions they ask. :-) You don't have to go into
psychological-relationship-sociological anything!

If they press further, say "they decided it would work out better if Uncle XXX
had a place of his own" and maybe add "..and visits sometimes" or whatever
arrangement they've made.

It really isn't their business other than that the mechanics of the family
arrangements have changed. You don't have to make it their business, and really
shouldn't.

>
>> If they are getting daily affirmations of love, and you and hubby express
>>affection for each other, that should be no problem. If they ask or seem upset,
>>simply affirm that yours is a good marriage (assuming it is). And don't change
>>anything - dont' be more demonstrative for their sakes or they *will* worry. :)
>
>Good point. There is certainly nothing going on in our household that
>would give them any cause for worry.

Yep. :)

This most probably isn't the first time they've encountered divorce. Can you
really say they have no aquaintance with it in families you and they know?


Really, their attitude toward it will reflect what you're projecting. If you're
projecting that it's a Great Tragedy, that's how your kids will take it.

Just let them play with their cousin(s). And, BTW, let them talk about it.
Dont' referee what their cousins say to them.

Banty

.

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