Re: Explaining sister's divorce to my boys

In article <1130254127.778022.175150@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>, annie
says...
>
>Welches wrote:
>> My first thought was perhaps to try to stop them from making any comments.
>> If it's new and raw, then the best meant comments could be hurtful,
>> particularly with a child's point of view. I don't think there's much that
>> they can say which will make it better, so if you can help them to let the
>> cousin take the lead, ie if she talks about it, then fine they can listen
>> and comfort (not insult the uncle either), but not to say anything if she
>> doesn't want to. But I would certainly tell them so they don't leap into any
>> "where's Uncle...?" sort of comments.
>
>Fortunately (now I guess), my BIL has rarely come to family gatherings
>in the past, so the boys probably won't even notice he's not there.
>It's never been a very happy marriage and he's never associated much
>with our family.

Given that info, I'd say leave the subject alone unless the boys are
particularly close to their cousins. If they are, all you need say is that
"Uncle XX doesn't live with them anymore."

>
>My sister said my niece is actually happy about it and that is
>something I'm sure my boys won't be able to comprehend. They are going
>to want to provide comfort and won't understand when she says that she
>doesn't need it.

How do you know that your boys woudln't comprehend it or would necessarily feel
called upon to provide comfort? Unless in your household the idea of marriage
is rather explicity and ideologically or religiously discussed a lot, they're
really most likely to take it in stride. They'll provide comfort if they see
their cousin upset. But since you say she isn't upset, and that the uncle
wasn't really a part of their picture much, why would you expect anything along
this line?

>My niece has told her classmates that she doesn't
>think her Daddy loves her anymore and I'm worried about that causing
>any anxiety for my guys. Again, I don't want them thinking the same
>could happen to them, even though there has been nothing in our own
>family that would have previously given them any anxiety.

If they are getting daily affirmations of love, and you and hubby express
affection for each other, that should be no problem. If they ask or seem upset,
simply affirm that yours is a good marriage (assuming it is). And don't change
anything - dont' be more demonstrative for their sakes or they *will* worry. :)
>
>The really difficult part for me is that it's hard to talk to my sister
>about it because everything she says has to be taken with a grain of
>salt. She tends to give enhanced details that are often what she
>*wants* to see in a situation and not exactly what is true. There are
>some situations when she's told me multiple, conflicting versions of
>the story. It makes it hard to know if my niece really is happy about
>the divorce or if that's just what my sister is trying hard to believe.
> Her past behavior has made me guarded and I've learned to wait and see
>things for myself.

Sure, so play it by ear and take things with a grain of salt as you already do.

I think this is more *your* worry than about your boys. Unless there's upset
about this in *your* household, they'll take their cues from their cousin as to
what to say, and take it in stride.

Banty

.

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