Re: Question for parents of grownups

In article <mehouck-C0BF26.17103319092005@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>,
dragonlady says...
>
>In article <dgng2j01klf@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>,
> Banty <Banty_member@xxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
>>> >They're perfectly happy with that approach -- they'll eat when they're
>> >hungry, and I shouldn't worry about feeding them.
>> >
>> >However, it is a problem for ME, because I'd rather we all sat down to
>> >dinner together.
>> >
>> >Unfortunately, from what I have been able to learn from other families,
>> >this is pretty common in households with lots of college age people in
>> >it.
>> >
>> >We'll work this one out eventually.
>>
>>
>> But "other families" shouldn't be your guide.
>
>No -- but a reality check against what is "normal" at this age. Sort of
>like finding out that it's normal for toddlers to have their appetites
>drop off! It doesn't mean I have to do what other families do, but
>knowing that it's normal helps me stay sane.

True, that looking to what others do is a useful benchmark. But it shouldn't be
determining. And your example about toddlers is developmental - something
fixed. How dinners are organized is a matter of local culture and practice (or
lack thereof).


>
>It might depend upon how old they were. What I'm hearing from many
>sources is that, at this age, it is pretty normal to have an, um, fluid
>idea about meal times -- friends drop by unexpectedly, they get calls,
>heck, even their work places aren't dependable: today, I was expecting
>my eldest (who doesn't live at home) at a certain time, but she was
>asked to work late; she's not in a position to turn down extra time.
>
>I have a brother and sister who were born while I was in college, and I
>used to spend five or six weeks of summer at home when they were in high
>school and starting college, and my own kids were small. I remember
>this as pretty normal then, too -- I was doing the bulk of the cooking,
>and the number of people who were going to be there for a meal was never
>certain until the table was being set.
>>
>> But it you've told us the real answer is - NO. So, would you have any
>> problem
>> discussing a meal arrangement, working around classes and transportation,
>> with
>> your beloved brother and sis-in-law?
>>
>>What would you do if you love them, they're with you indefinately 'cause they
>> do
>> need your help, but they're not your actual kids?
>
>As I said, the ages make a difference here -- and expectations have to
>take their stage of life into account.
>
>One of the things on our family agenda, however, is to discuss this
>again in the near future; I'm not delighted with the current set up.
>I'm not sure where we'll go with this, but I am not wildly miserable
>over it, and am confident that the four of us will be able to work
>things out.

But it sounds like you're acquiesced to it. For change, it would be a a fair
amount of committment all the way around. If *you're* half on the other side
already, that change won't happen.

Which is all fair and good about dinnertime. But, my wager, it's that, then
there's something else, and something else, and you end up subsumed in all these
other lives. Is that tenable for you over the long term?

- B

.

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