Re: DS can't seem to



"toypup" <toypup@xxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
>"dejablues" <deja.blues@xxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
>news:wVQQe.2930$Re1.2464@xxxxxxxxxxx
>> Well, let's leave your mother out of this for the time being.
>
>I only put her in there for background, like maybe he is taking after her.
>
Things that I did or things that my mom did that I found unacceptable
or irritating made me more sensitive than needed when I perceived
those behaviors in my children and I know that my children have found
the same. Family history is a bitch.

For instance I was told that I was older and should never hit my
little sister and in part, this was because my mom's little brother
died when she was 7, and she always felt the lack of siblings and had
somewhat unrealistic expectations of sibling interaction, probably
based on reading "Little Women" and other similar books.

My dd#2 was extremely competitive, but when she was little she wasn't
able to control her emotions to be a 'good loser', and would cry or
behave in non-productive ways. This made it hard for her - she could
psych herself out of doing well just as easily as the reverse..
When she saw these same characteristics in her son (being competitive,
not being able to control his emotions), she was horrified, plus her
spouse was telling the child that boys didn't cry.

So it's good that you indicate why you are so concerned, and even if
we can't diagnose your mom herself, we can reassure you that it is
unlikely to be something inherited.

>>> An example of DS: every time he hits DD, we give him a time out. He
>>> hates
>>> time outs. They make him very upset. He understands it's a punishment,
>> yet
>>> he cannot seem to associate the time out with his transgression. He just
>>> knows he's being punished, but he doesn't know why.
>>
>> That all sounds pretty typical of 4-yr-olds, but...
>>
>> Maybe time-outs make him *so* upset that what he did immediately prior to
>> it
>> (hitting his sister) are quickly forgotten. If it doesn't work, why keep
>> repeating the same technique?
>
>Well, we also take away toys and other things, but timeouts are used when
>there is nothing convenient to take away or for hitting, as it takes DS away
>from DD. He collects stars, like an allowance that he can trade in for
>trips to his favorite restaurant or some such thing. It started out as an
>incentive for him to not hit his sister at daycare (which surprisingly
>worked), but it has evolved into a non-monetary allowance, but those get
>taken away for hitting, too, so it's a double whammy. We don't spank.
>
>>
>> In theory, time-outs aren't supposed to be a punishment.
>
>I know the theory, but I think of time-out as the traditional stand in the
>corner, just new name.

You might give him something to hit (like a pillow) when he gets
frustrated.
>
>> As a parent of three boys, I can tell you that 99.00% of the hitting that
>> they do is an attempt to get the attention of a parent, and to see who's
>> side you'll take.
>
>I agree.
>
>It may seem harsh, but accepting some level of hitting,
>> that you will ignore (until it's life-threatening) might be the answer.
>> Soon
>> enough the younger sibling will fight back, or the older sibling will
>> realize that Mommy won't rush to the scene, and the hitting will
>> stop.Harsh
>> again, I know, but I've lived through it.
>
>I cannot do this. Hitting is unacceptable, IMO.

Well referring to the scenario above where my mom told me that I must
never hit my little sister - what eventually happened was that my
sister realized that she was immune, and would nag and pick until I
lost my temper and hit her, and then she'd run crying to my mom (she
hit me), and I would be punished. She would throw things at me -
fortunately the things she threw were ill chosen to hurt (I remember
her trying to throw a coat hanger once), and her coordination wasn't
that good.

My mom happened to overhear this whole thing (we were older then than
your two are although I'm not sure exactly how much older), and
decided that if one of us hit the other, we would both be punished. I
found this fair, and I did the same with my kids. Most of the time it
takes two.
>
>>
>> The other 1% is due to frustration, just due to their stage of
>> development,
>> and will get better when their expressive language skills improve.
>
>This is what I am hoping.
>

grandma Rosalie
.



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