Re: CSSCGC 2008 has now officially begun
- From: Digital Prawn <digitalprawn@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Wed, 14 Jan 2009 11:10:02 -0800 (PST)
Hi All, due to events within my control, I've got a surprise CSSCGC
2008 announcement.
I've finished the judging three days earlier than anticipated.
Congratulations to "The Mojon Twins" for winning CSSCGC 2008 with "The
Ultimate First Communion Simulator".
Commiserations to "Cruddy Software" for losing it with "Lapland Theme
Park Manager".
Full results follow:-
The Ultimate First Communion Simulator
by Mojon Twins
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
Score: 9.67
Ranking: 1st
The winner of CSSCGC 2008 is a game that is fantastically crap! With
vivid,
colourful and detailed block graphics and gameplay and plot that just
ooze
originality. It's got a pretty wicked streak of humour too which
caused much
hilarity when played with office workmates. But, what makes it
hilarious for me
is the final message at what you think is the end of the game, telling
the
player that they are still in the game for another 67 years. In effect
I am
still playing it now! It has also unsurprisingly been reviewed by
SnakeOilSteve in one of the earlier CSSCGC 2008 tape magazines.
Crysis
by Radastan
Platform: ZX Spectrum +2
Score: 9.50
Ranking: 2nd
This game was by far the most popular title of CSSCGC 2008, being
mentioned on
various channels all over the Internet. It certainly caused quite a
stir.
Firstly I should say it is truly amazing and technically brilliant. I
never
thought I'd see anything like this attempted, but the game surely
works and
it's pretty jaw-dropping to see something like this running on a
speccy for the
first time, even if the graphics are naturally blocky. It makes me
wonder what
possible things can be achieved even further into the future. People
may say,
well DP , this is far too good to be in 2nd place, but I'd have to
reply,
"play it" and you will see it is at heart another quintessentially
crap gaming
experience!
Eat Sh*t!
by Radastan
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
Score: 9.29
Ranking: 3rd
This game is clearly hilarious. You positively can't help but laugh at
the
action of the head at the bottom of the screen as it eats the crap and
the
simple text comments are just brilliant. I was also amazed by the vast
number of
combinations of graphics characters in the program listing needed in
order to
give the crap a realistic animation. It only didn't win due to the
technically
of it more being like a sh*teating demo than a fully interactive game.
However, half a point was clawed back for the funky haircut on the
horizontal
sh*teating maniac at the bottom of the screen.
Kabaddi
by Paul E Collins
Score: 9.01
Ranking: 4th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
A fascinating idea to base a game on Kabaddi, which poses the question
"how
would the dynamics of the sport be implemented?".
The cunning idea of using the INPUT command in such a repetitive
manner was
really what made this game truly crap I thought, so bonus points for
that.
Also extra points for the large block graphics reminiscent of many
Atari 2600
cartridges. This game made me realise how awful I am at typing! We
just
need a "quick brown fox" type game similar to this one now so I can
improve my
skills across the whole keyboard! Of course I could have slowed down
my typing,
but as this is Kabaddi, I felt the psychological need to keep the pace
up whilst
playing.
Turtogas
by Mojon Twins
Score: 8.76
Ranking: 5th
Platform: ZX Spectrum +2A/+3
I love the intro sounds, reminiscent of a 50's B movie monster flick.
Crapness
abounds from the inability of the player sprite to change orientation,
the
complete sparseness of the play area, the dodgy collision detection
with the
dots. But an extra point is scored for the fact that when all dots are
eaten,
you just wonder around the dotless screen for eternity, or until you
get killed.
A nice touch and made me laugh anyway.
VMWare for the ZX Spectrum
by James Smith
Score: 8.53
Ranking: 6th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
An exquisite idea, and it actually really works! Certainly,
this program has
pushed out the limits of the crap game compo yet again and you can now
run crap
games within a crap environment, making them even more crap. I have to
ask what
level of motivation does someone have, going to such lengths to code
something
so brilliantly crap?
But then again the CGC relies on such hardcore dedication. This will
be one to
remember and we even had a stream of bugfixes and updates for it from
the author
who always provides an excellent level of support.
Target Man - Deluxe Edition
by Gavin Callard
Score: 8.47
Ranking: 7th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K/128K/+2/+2A/+3
A solid piece of crap game craftsmanship, and one that goes to the
trouble of
detecting which platform it is running on. Ticks all the right boxes
in terms of
unnecessary delays and humorous instruction screen. An extra point
added for
mentioning the word "bovril" somewhere in the on-screen instructions.
Let's
assume that you play the part of Lynda Bellingham trying to drive home
from the
supermarket (or was she OXO, I never can remember?). To increase the
fun, play
this whilst watching re-runs of "The Sweeney" on ITV4.
The REAL Phantomas Infinity
by Mojon Twins
Score 8.42
Ranking: 8th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
Yes, I did it! I got to level 42 so I then went to dig out my old
unofficial
"Level 42" T-shirt from the eighties, but it had been long since gone
missing.
Great crap idea to have an "infinite" number of levels, however I'm
questioning
if there really is an integer variable integer variable wraparound so
that if
you played this game until the Sun went supernova, would it reset back
to zero?
Funny thing is you actually get quite skilful at playing the game
after ten
minutes or so. The game scores very well due to total lack of in-game
objects
(and objectives) also its ability to foster an atmosphere of despair,
but in an
oh so colourful way!
Scumball2
by Woody
Score: 8.40
Ranking: 9th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
Now this one really is neat and any self respecting machine code
hobbyist must
gape in awe at this. Embedding the entire machine code for the game
and the
stack and variables too in the lower part of the screen must rank as
something
to make you say.. "ecky thump! that's really neato..". Just think - a
full game
inside a .SCR file! You could upload the game and the screenshot to
the WoS
archives in one single upload operation and then earn yourself a cup
of tea with
the time saved. Again the game features overly good graphics and
sprite routines
from Woody, even if the playability is at CGC standards. But it's
impossible not
to be impressed with the whole concept. Woody even provided a POKE for
this one
which will no doubt end up in the Tipshop at some point!
Bubble Fight
by Arda
Score: 8.39
Ranking: 10th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
As I reviewed this one for the Dec tape mag, it's really no secret
that I liked
it.
As mentioned in the review itself this sort of thing really oozes a
wholesome
crapness, but IMHO of that peculiar variety that hopefully will be
more
forthcoming in the future crap game compos.
Not just that I actually enjoy the bubble sort game, but the "vicious
panda"
character really does give some extra amusement.
Surely a speccy game character to go down in a "top 100" game
character list
along with Dizzy the Egg, the slightly less famous Pippo and Gordon
the Alien.
The bubble sort algorithm was lifted from a type-in book - good to see
someone
is still using these type-ins even if it is just for the CGC.
ultimate eye surgery simulator
by Dr BEEP
Score: 8.37
Ranking: 11th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
Think back to the movie "Flight of the Navigator", remember the scene
where our
young protagonist is within the alien spaceship (and life form) and he
is
introduced to all manner of creatures from around our galactic
neighbourhood and
beyond. Well, one of those creatures is a rather large eye, which
actually
screams "eye-eye-eye-eye" in English when disturbed. This is the basis
for this
game from Dr BEEP. Actually it isn't but I was reminded of this
nevertheless.
I mean the eye is just so huge! As previously mentioned it is
reminiscent of
operation games such as "Life & Death" on the ST/Amiga and others
(actually were
there any others?). If you can overcome any squeamishness you may have
or fear
of hospitals, then it's a satisfying and highly unique little
diversion for a
few minutes.
Multiload Hangman
by Paul E Collins
Score: 8.35
Ranking: 12th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
Frightened as I was by this game's on-screen insistence that I do not
use any
loading acceleration in my emulator, I did the right thing and booked
a day off
work in order to playtest it. (Not really but I think I was off this
day anyway,
fortunately!) After three and a half hours or so of watching Space
1999 DVDs,
whilst keeping one eye on the game loading, it was apparent that my
chosen word
begin with 'M' or thereabouts. I lost the game in the end, but I
needed to,
since I had to get a decent screenshot of the hangman. Then of course
I realised
later that the author had already thoughtfully supplied an in-game
screenshot.
Nice original concept, so I give this one a high score. I think it
will go down
as the largest title (in bytes) ever submitted to ANY CGC competition
to date.
Martin Kelner's Scissors Paper Stone
by Guesser
Score: 8.34
Ranking: 13th
Platform: ZX Spectrum +2A/+3
This game is crap on so many levels, it's frightening. First of all,
the spectre
of local radio late night shenanigans is let loose into the CSSCGC
which is
bound to "hit the ground running" when it comes to crap achievements.
It's an almost surreal translation of something that was perhaps lost
in
translation even in the original format and a seriously stale joke to
boot.
The hand animation at the beginning (presumably the element which
requires the
+2A/+3 hardware) is just awesome, being even too funky for Gaz Top.
A well deserved high crapness score, and a Radio Leeds car sticker and
balloon
to Guesser!
Stay on the Road
by Mulder
Score: 8.30
Ranking: 14th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
Now, that's what I call crap volume 1! A fine example of a game that
has you
"on the road to nowhere". A good crapness idea to have the green road
effect
obscure the player's car sprite at regular intervals and also have
certain
long, sharp corners seem almost impossible to escape from. You've just
gotta
love that extra touch of the block-graphic solitary cloud hanging in
the sky.
Indeed, a perfect day for driving towards the seemingly unreachable
distant
metropolis! Outrun it ain't, but for the crap game compo, it's just
what the
doctor ordered!
The Boat of Doom
by Graz
Score: 8.25
Ranking: 15th
ZX Spectrum 128K
The in-game mechanics of this one would probably give "Sqij" a run for
its
money in the crapness stakes.
Brownie points earned for general sluggishness, no mention of the in-
game keys
prior to or during play. But the piece d'resistance is the suspension
of the
main game loop during the firing of the boat's torpedo. Excellent
"riveted
plates" on the left hand side of the screen almost reminiscent of high-
octane
action titles such as Xenon! Nicely done. A vintage crap entry for
sure.
Didge's Dungeon
by Paul E Collins
Score: 8.09
Ranking: 16th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 128K/+2
Sent in by Paul as his self-obligatory 4th crap game of the year. Sing
with me
now "Four crap games in one year...". OK this is actually alright. I
played it a
fair bit and got familiar it. Dazzled as I was by the very
professionally done
graphics, I'm also a sucker for any sort of game with puzzle elements
and where
you move a sprite based entity around the screen, trying to solve it
on a
per-level basis. For me it brought back vague memories of Boovie, but
of course
this is a totally different game with different rules and mechanics.
Too good
for the CGC but welcome it was nonetheless and the high score reflects
the
quality that this title just oozes and serves as a hopeful
encouragement for
future CGCs that this is the level of effort that we like to see in
the compo!
Oh My God!
by A. J. Moss
Score: 8.08
Ranking: 17th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
Here's another one that's actually quite good as games go. I've
certainly spent
many a weekend in my youth entering enormous type-ins into various 8-
bit
computers with the end result seldom looking as good as this
graphically. It is
a long time now between the submission of the game and the writing of
these
results (almost a year in fact) But IIRC, the author insisted that the
game was
nowhere near as good as it should've been - which makes it ideally
placed to get
a good score in the CGC as it stands. The "flat top" shaped head of
the
crucified in-game messianic character looked suitably comical for this
game and
also the rather amusing use of an aerosol as a weapon just cries out
originality. I suppose rather predictably, I can't help but think of
the "Always
look on the bright side of life" tune when playing it.
Text-Only Grand-Prix 2009
by bobs
Score: 7.97
Ranking: 18th
ZX Spectrum 16K
This is certainly an artisan entry in the annals of the CGC. The
thrills and
spills of F1 racing completely neutered in the form of a text-only
boredom-athon. More than just a quick gag though, in this game each
individual
track layout has been painstakingly entered into DATA statements in
the pursuit
of an accurate and realistic text simulation. I just love the use of
FLASH
attribute on the chequered flags on the track selection screen. Make
your way
around one or two of the tracks by all means but a quest to play every
track
would only be attempted by the insane.
Mini GameZX
by Bubu
Score 7.88
Ranking: 19th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
This is a good example of a crap game. A nice green screen retro feel,
and some
unique gaming ideas. Three minigames in one is a bit of a novelty in
the CSSCGC,
so nice effort. Of course all games are suitably crap, and there's not
a
tremendous replay value. However, the games do run shockingly fast. In
fact, a
bit too fast for a crap game, we just don't expect such well optimised
coding
around these parts! Bubu clearly needs to study the source code from
"Un-space Invaders" by Apenao in order to "crap-up" his graphics
routines a bit
more.
Ultimate Jetpack Simulator 2008
by Mulder
Score: 7.85
Ranking: 20th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
A nice little exercise in infinite futility appears as you guide what
I
initially though was a pregnant woman down an un-ending tunnel. Oh no,
wait
that's not a expectant mother, it's the rocket booster strap making a
bulge over
the player character's belly! Truly though I was impressed, this is
the sort of
thing they would have loved to put in the Cassette 50 compilation, of
that I
have no doubt. We also know this one has depth, because (a) it takes
place under
the ground and (b) it starts to get difficult by level 21! In any
case, Mulder
is no doubt glad he wrote this one, after all it did win the CSSCGC
2008 raffle.
Elfen
by Garry Wishart
Score: 7.84
Ranking: 21st
Platform: ZX Spectrum 128K/+2
A colourful visual treat awaits the player, as you play a God
controlling the
elemental forces of the game world. Watch the green beings suffer or
thrive
according to your choices. The game ticks many of the boxes expected
of a crap
game entry, including outrageously poor spelling and grammar and also
a nice if
wholly irrelevant captured intro screenshot, so overall a very
respectable
score. You've also just got to love the "Press Some Key" method of
proceeding
through the instructions. Yes, which key this time?
Hammy Time
by mulder
Score: 7.82
Ranking: 22nd
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
This game is great. We can overlook the fact that Hammy the Hamster
looks like a
circus trained cat in this one, because it is just so darn enjoyable
and
colourful into the bargain too - the crap fun factor is high in this
one.
Although I fear if this was submitted for inclusion on the original
cascade
tape, the prompt response would have been "Sorry, but we already
filled our
quota of one good game - "frogger", we are looking for 49 crap games.
Tell you
what, this one'll be a budget £1.99 release all of its own - how's
that sound?"
Knot in 2D
by BloodBaz
Score: 7.80
Ranking: 23rd
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
Out of BloodBaz's two entries this year, this is by far the best crap
effort.
Guide your swiftly moving pixel around the screen avoiding hitting its
own path
or the edges of the play area. Perhaps the code could be adapted to
make an
etch-a-sketch simulator? Clever intro screen which for a second tricks
the user
into thinking they may be starting a 3D game, before "3D" changes to
"2D" with
an accompanying low frequency BEEP sound. Brings us right back down to
Earth
with a bump like any crap game should do!
Verdict: A fair effort, but when held up against "Advanced PURPLE
loading
simulator" it can only be described as pure genius!
Un-Space Invaders
by Apenao
Score: 7.79
Ranking: 24th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
Quite a respectable crapness rating for this one. The player is
initially left
confused as to what to do apart from moving aimlessly around the
screen in the
midst of the ongoing interplanetary battle and the frame rate is
suitably low
for an invaders game written in BASIC. What really pushed this game up
the
scoreboard though is the graphic routine which only allows you to see
the alien
sprites for about half the time, as they are rubbed out during the
other half.
Well done! Nice "alternative" game concept also. At least the UDGs are
finely
detailed and gleefully colourful.
Improved Advanced 16K Spectrum Emulator
by Andrew Owen, Dr BEEP & James Smith
Score: 7.78
Ranking: 25th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
This little known deep underground coding triumvirate (a.ka. "Tres
Hombres")
have done it again, sneaking this 12-byter out onto an unsuspecting
compo
spectatorship. In fact, if you can excuse the difficulty I was faced
with on
writing an entire paragraph on a twelve byte piece of code, I don't
really have
anything additional to say about this one apart from it does exactly
what the
BASIC version does, is about a million times faster at filling high-
memory and
has been expertly byte crunched by our optimising friends. The machine
code
trick used is one for the books though - use the source, Luke. It is a
little
known fact, but the ultimate 2008 crap game experience can be had by
using this
program to step through all of the 16K games in the compo and find out
which
ones work under it yet had missing UDGs in 48K mode (not that I ever
did this).
Hunchback '08
by Andrew Owen
Score: 7.77
Ranking: 26th
Platform: Timex TC2048 & Spectrum SE
Ahh, the CGC '99 - a vintage year. The original version of this game
was
developed for that one. We are now of course all a little older, a
little wiser
- but a damn sight more colo(u)rful. As "The Who" might have sung -
"hope I die
before I use per-line colour attributes". But not in this case as the
intro
screen will surely blow your tights off. The game itself is a typical
hunchback
affair, yet no worse than a similar Dragon 32 cartridge a firend of
mine once
paid good money for.
Enjoy this all ye followers of the Timex- for this is your reward for
possessing
extra graphics capabilities. The reason, no-one else out there wrote
anything
else for it - apart from some BASIC extensions. (Although, seriously,
I bet they
did, but I don't know of it - I never did spy through the keyhole of
the Timex
scene)
GoatFall
by compiuter
Score: 7.76
Ranking: 27th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
This is certainly a crap game, and for all the right reasons. As you
push the
goat off the bell tower, the pitch of the BEEP increases as it
falls. As the
goat is moving downwards, I can't help but sit there and think "the
BEEP pitch
should decrease!" Add in a dramatic long wait for the "goat
verdict" (like in
some reality TV game show) and also the fact that the player has no
control over
the game whatsoever apart from pressing a single key (a lá "Eat
***!") make
this game achieve a respectable crapness score. A nice touch is the
text screen
describing the history of the goat throwing practice in this area of
Spain. I've
never seen anything like that sort of "Tourist Information Board" in a
crap game
before! I should point out as it is mentioned in the game that this
historical tradition has now been superseded by the throwing of a
cardboard
stone.
Escape from Niburon Prime
by Woody
Score: 7.75
Ranking: 28th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K/128K
Yet another showcase of Woody's advanced machine code skills and
trickery.
Marvel at the spaceflight segment, followed by the part where you have
to escape
a seemingly invisible maze on the planet's surface. Ho ho, you might
exclaim!
"That's a funny gag, the maze is invisible. This is comedy genius, I
must say."
But therein lies yet another twist unbeknownst to the casual player as
I once
was.
You see, revealing the secrets of this game is rather like peeling
layers from
an onion - i.e it may make you want to cry. Play this on either a real
speccy or
on the most recent versions of SpecEmu and you will actually see the
maze become
perfectly visible - due to some little known quirk causing colour1
PAPER on
colour2 INK to have slightly different intensity than colour2 PAPER on
colour1
INK! So think of this one as firstly a game, but secondly and emulator
tester.
Good score awarded due to this neat technical trick.
Don't Lose Your Head
by Woody
Score: 7.74
Ranking: 29th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
Again, top quality graphics and m/c sprite routines give an air of
professionalism to this title which is on the face of it a crap gaming
experience, yet a very funny one. Somehow this game is evocative of
many cheesy
sci-fi B-move flicks from the 80's and you just have to admire the
attention to
detail. I feel that if Woody got all of the best bits of his crap
games together
and sorted them out into some sort of coherent plan, there'd be an
actual good
game in there somewhere! This one entertained me for a while as I
dreamt up
countless amusing backstories for it. On the second pass of judging I
was again
taken aback by the artistic quality of the graphics and the absolutely
perfect
sprite drawn routines - so not quite crap enough for the top ten for
example!
Mr Yellow meets mr Cyan
by Stefano Bodrato
Score: 7.73
Ranking: 30th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
A pretty entertaining effort. Nice use of inappropriate, yet vivid
colours,
happily smashing the age old rule of only using dark objects on light
backgrounds. Nice, tense atmosphere to the game. I can almost imagine
those
Mexican trombones playing as the game edges its way towards the final
chilling
climax. Is there still honour in death? There was even room in the 2x1
UDG
graphics for the author to add a tiny but much appreciated gun belt!
Aah, it is indeed the little things that matter! Extra points awarded
for
such fine attention to detail.
Silent Letter Shootout
by bigjon
Score: 7.72
Ranking: 31st
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
Good crapness here, reliving the days when all children feared any
game title
that was marketed as educational. Of course as soon as dad's back was
turned,
the speccy would be reset and Daley Thompson's Decathlon would instead
be
loaded up. Mercifully it is a quick game, and with a limited number of
words.
One extra crap point scored for the fact that the letters don't get
deleted off
the top row of the screen, and just stick there if they miss the
spaceship
target. A lot of people thought it was amusing that Jeff GoldBlum
defeated the
alien invaders with an Apple Mac - we all know he really should have
been
armed with a ZX Spectrum!
Identity Parade
by Woody
Score: 7.71
Ranking: 32nd
ZX Spectrum 48K
Woody's superb rendering of urban United States during the first phase
of this
game gets everything right. The dollar signs in the shop Window. The
motorcyclist driving (just about) on the right of the road. This also
is a retro
game with traits of far more modern games. Because, what we basically
have here
is a non-interactive cutscene. As for the interactive part of the
game, well
it's a quick gag meaning success is again in the hands of pseudo
random elements.
Or at least I think it is. I can't be totally sure, as I don't think I
ever
actually won the game. In any case - a reasonable score for the time
and effort
- the graphics are indeed memorable and really just of outrageously
high
quality I have to say.
Helen 'nnngggghhh' Keller's Super Off-Road Racer
by Anne 'Two taps' Sullivan
Score: 7.70
Ranking: 33rd
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
This one caused much distraction in the workplace when workmates
started playing
it. For those who didn't know who she was, Helen Keller was quickly
Googled for
followed shortly thereafter by a rapid scan of her Wikipedia article.
A solid representation of what it is like to lose the sense of sight
is
frighteningly realised here in this brutally all-too-real simulation.
It can only end in tears - and I hope that's not tears of laughter you
heartless bunch! The loading screen needs framing and sticking in the
Tate.
Road Crosser
by Woody
Score: 7.69
Ranking: 34th
ZX Spectrum 48K
Horace goes skiing without the skiing (or Horace). Instead the
protagonist
consists of a rather helpless stick-man stranded on the wrong side of
the road.
8 lanes of identical cars mercilessly stream past. This is a sort of
"Warhol" of
Frogger type games. The repetition - it's almost a social commentary
on how
everyone's lives have become the same in this endless daily grind, but
just
where on Earth are all those cars going? It can be quite tricky this
one if you
are little impatient So sit back and get a feel for the timing and
eventually
you can master this game. Subsequently, you may become super confident
and
start darting across multiple lanes in one fell swoop. Eventually
though it will
end in a fatality I'm sorry to say.
200. Yes, 200 but with da big balls
by Apenao
Score: 7.68
Ranking: 35th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
I like these little mini-game submissions, because if you dislike one
of the
mini games then you can always move onto the next one and dislike that
one too!
This title has the restriction that you can only get into the later
mini-games,
having earned it by playing the earlier ones first.
Crickey, I must watch "300" at some point although I've had it in my
film
collection for ages I haven't got around to watching it just yet. I
have to say
though that some time and effort has clearly gone into making this
game, for
which the CGC is grateful. Also I like the way each mini game is
coloured
differently (And quite colourful they are too) and there are some
nicely done
UDG graphics. Yet, the game is steadfastly loyal to the realm of
crapdom.
So pat yourself on the back Apenao - a pretty good score.
RPS
by steve
Score: 7.62
Ranking: 36th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
A good showcase for demonstrating some of the capabilities of using
Z88DK over
pure BASIC. The sliding screens found in the game look undeniably
slick and the
block graphics are vibrant and supremely well drawn.
Great effort with superbly drawn screens (Including those of the
Pacman games,
which to me is always a welcome addition). Also thought it was a nice
touch that
this game is specifically branded with a CGC '08 screen. Could've
scored higher
in the crapness stakes if written in BASIC, but I'm so glad it wasn't
as the
resultant game is actually much better, having a real "Video Game"
feel about
it. I can almost image playing this one in a MAME cabinet or
something.
Seriously, nice work!
Advanced Betting Simulator 2008
by Gavin Callard
Score: 7.54
Ranking: 37th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
A considerable effort must've gone into generating the large number of
comical
horse and race names. However the fact that the horse graphics are
just too
professional and the correct racing colour of green was used make the
game too
"good". Perhaps if the official crap game colour of magenta were
employed,
the score could've been increased by half a point. Thankfully though,
the score
was boosted by incorrectly rounding pounds and pence and by requiring
awkward
key presses to advance the game. Of course there are also the
instructions,
which have the gall to refer to the player as "You sad git". How did
he know,
is there a webcam in here or something?
The Ark in Space
by Graz
Score: 7.49
Ranking: 38th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 128K/+2
OK, this is one of those games that made me really glad I did two
passes of
judging in this compo! For many of the entries I more or less got it
right on
the first pass, but this game took a little bit longer for me to suss
out.
When I played it for the first time, I admit I didn't have a clue what
was going
on. On subsequent plays I got a bit further with it, getting all the
way up to
"LOCATE INFRASTRUCTURE". The graphics on the space station in orbit
around the
planet are superb as are the those of the enemies such as the Wirrn. A
decent
crap game effort, featuring chip music on the intro screen. It's
always a
pleasure for us fans of old series "Who" to combine that hobby with
retro gaming
which doesn't happen all that often! Another amusing touch is that
the
"Instructions" are actually the backstory rather than the instructions
which is
possibly why I didn't immediately "get it" on my first attempt at
playing it!
UFO: UK
by Chris Young
Score: 7.38
Ranking: 39th
ZX Spectrum: ZX Spectrum 16K
Inspired by the classic game "UFO: Enemy Unknown", this apparently
hastily put
together entry is rather hilarious. Taking less than an hour to write
according
to Chris, the game nevertheless retains that air of mischievous "off
the wall"
humour and jokey cynicism that characterise many of his other works.
First judging pass I wrote:-
"As I write this though I enter a state of mild panic as I realise
that the
compo isn't halfway though yet, and in one previous year Chris
submitted 14
games to the CGC. How the heck am I still going to find interesting
(or even
dull for that matter) comments to write about on that many possible
further
games? Let's hope he doesn't do that to me! "
Second judging pass:-
"Phew, looks like things turned out fine just after all no matter how
many
games were sent in, but why do I still keep getting recurring
nightmares
featuring UFOs?"
More Tea Vicar
by Gavin Callard
Score: 7.26
Ranking: 40th
Platform: ZX80 1K, ZX81 16K, Cambridge Z88, Jupiter ACE, ZX Spectrum
16K
& Sinclair QL
The game is certainly crap, but hey if it's good enough for a
mainstream TV
channel, then it's crap enough for us! You just can't underestimate
the glee I
had as I undertook the surreal experience of having to playtest the
game many
times, not least on the Cambridge Z88 when I knew nothing about that
platform
until last year. So, I admire the style of this multi-platform
release.
Educational it was too, from an emulation learning standpoint. The
game has
probably resulted in the creation of many more machine categories in
the CSSCGC
than any previous game before it, so for that at least it will be well
remembered!
Also, it begs the question "What was the most useful piece of software
released
for the Z88?" Was it this, or did it have a huge underground porn
market?
We never did get a Sam Coupe version though. Talk about seriously
missed
opportunities! tut tut. To be fair though, I believe there was an
issue with
keyboard mappings on the Sam Coupe emulator on Gavin's PC.
And so, the CGC remains "Sam Coupe-less" for another year.
In any case, kudos for writing the FORTH version for the Jupiter ACE,
one of
only two crap games ever (intentionally) written for that platform in
its entire
history! I also believe this to be the only ever crap game entry for
the
"Sinclair QL". Brilliant, and hence this oversized write-up. Just
don't let
actually playing the game spoil all of these CGC-firsts!
20 Questions
by Steve(spt)
Score: 7.25
Ranking: 41st
Platform: Jupiter ACE
The main question is how this program works internally? Certain words
seem to
generate a positive response whereas most words give a negative
answer. I never
did get around to examining the FORTH source to reveal the complex
machinations
or otherwise "under the bonnet" on this one. How intelligent can a
Jupiter ACE
become? Nevertheless, the game is undoubtedly crap, and I give it a
good score,
because the author kindly bailed me out when I had a rather silly
looking ACE
arcade page with only a single game in it!
Again, this will go down as only one of two crap games for the Jupiter
ACE
submitted to the CGC, since as we all know it is not actually a
Sinclair
machine. Certainly it is a "Sinclair derivative", although one which
went down
its own development path, thanks to FORTH!
Will ACE games ever be allowed in the CGC again? I don't honestly
know, but it
was good to have them on board in this experimental CSSCGC 2008!
Since I played this game, I was introduced to another web based 20
questions
game. This made me realise that this submission is like that web game,
but with
human and CPU roles amusingly reversed.
The only "secret" I have found so far in this program is that the
delete key
doesn't work - so watch out for that and type carefully!
The Eric Morcambe Catching Invisible Things in a Bag Simulator
by Ben Rapier
Score: 7.23
Ranking: 42nd
Platform: ZX Spectrum 128K/+2
A nice diversion I found this, after seemingly endless onslaught of
previously
reviewed pure-text entries and/or with "Simulator" in their title.
Oops, I just
noticed, this one also had "Simulator" in the title, still it has no
lawnmowers
in it, unless of course one of the things caught in the bag is an
invisible
model lawnmower. Anyway - the game is one which alludes to some
distant popular
culture of some years ago, and is completely impossible to play -
so another one
for CGC purists. Sweet. The "bag" also makes me want to go out and
drink a pint
of Guinness, in fact more so than most of the currently unfathomable
Guinness TV
ads. Nice use of small font text driver, which was unexpected!
Twenty Commodes
by James Smith
Score: 7.20
Ranking: 43rd
Platform: ZX Spectrum 128K & ZX Spectrum 48K
With this one, Jimmy managed to exceed even his own usual standards,
by breaking
new ground with this VIC-20 emulator for the speccy. I have to confess
to being
addicted to using this one as it re-awakened nostalgia of messing
around on my
VIC-20 as a young child. So much so I ended up even developing a
couple of
simple BASIC games within the emulated system, not that I should admit
this
publicly. Again, it has to be said this program cannot win the
competition as
it is by far too good an entry! I gave it a controversial high score
though as I
have to respect the achievement even if it was entered into the
"wrong" compo.
Can't be helped though, since there is no compo called "8-bit
emulators" as far
as I know. Just a reminder:- this entry is a real emulator, not a joke
one!
Verdict: One for the WoS archive.
Mode2 Tile Editor
by Andrew Owen
Score: 7.18
Ranking: 44th
Platform: Timex TC2048 & Spectrum SE
Aah, how I welcomed Timex entries with open arms into CSSCGC 2008 and
glad I did
too. Clearly it has added another dimension to the compo this time
around. I
just love those pretty little colourful sprites that appear on the
screen on
loading this one up. Strangely, this reminded me of my days of using
the STOS
sprite editor on the Atari ST. This will no doubt be useful to people
writing
Timex games - I infer this by the number of times it was downloaded.
My only
disappointment is that no third parties took it upon themselves to
employ this
to submit yet another Timex entry, but I guess the number of Timex
developers
is but a tiny fraction of speccy developers and alas nothing
happened.
However, who knows if there will ever be some sort of Timex Hunchback
sequel?
It was regrettable that this one could not be made available in the
online "crap
game arcade", due to current lack of a Java based Timex emulator.
Anyways, thanks to this program, today I inverted a snake.
Dot Man
by Woody
Score: 7.14
Ranking: 45th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
It is crap this one, but in a delightfully retro way. Firstly, you
can't die as
far as I know. I was wondering why there weren't any ghosts in this
pacman-type
affair. Then I realised that because the play area is blown up (A bit
like
zooming in with a microfiche) if there were ghosts then you would not
even see
them until they appeared on the adjacent square to the player by which
time a
gobbling would be unavoidable. You should clear the maze (which once
you have
started, you just have to finish - hunting down those annoying lost
last couple
of dots). Then pat yourself on the back and play an exactly identical
maze all
over again!
Rescue Planet Earth
by Woody
Score: 7.12
Ranking: 46th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 128K/+2
Due to my previous ramblings on the CGC site, many know I'm a Dr Who
fan,
stubbornly of the old series only. So, there I found myself liking
this title
which involves the movement of planet Earth around the galaxy. This
actually
happened during the Colin Baker era. I now think I have realised that
this
game is set in that era, because the Tardis itself appears wide and
chubby, no
doubt accommodating this particular incarnation. Again, you can't fail
to be
impressed at Woody's clear m/c mastery diverted down a CGC avenue, as
one can't
help thinking there's got to be some none-crap games along the
pipeline
somewhere! Fast and yet it is arguably crap gameplay wise, but too
darn smooth
and good, technically speaking. IIRC Woody updated this one with a
version that
was much improved and even faster than the original!
The Sudoku Challenge
by Gavin Callard
Score: 7.09
Ranking: 47th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K & ZX Spectrum 48K
The first Sudoku puzzle I threw at this one was solved after 906,105
iterations, meaning I had to resurrect the hyperfast JPP emulator from
1992 in
order to see the game completed. I calculated that on a real speccy,
the puzzle
would have been solved in a little over twelve and a half days.
Meaning that if
you can't beat the computer within that sort of time frame, then you
probably do
deserve to lose the game! The brute force algorithm is quite
mesmerising to
watch in a fast emulator as the numbers fly back and forth across the
screen,
like there is indeed some diabolical intelligence going on behind the
scenes,
although we know it uses a brute force method. Also, it sparked
international
interest with avid followers of this entry now meeting annually. (well
not quite
but a few e-mails flew around after this one was released, I can tell
you!)
SUICIDE IT
by Radastan
Score: 7.07
Ranking: 48th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
A game that gets straight to the point. Nothing is wasted, well apart
from 90%
of the screen area. But I do like the minimalist approach taken by the
author.
Dark humour is always bound to score quite well and the game is "open
ended"
with no predetermined end to the "fun". The "death sequence" whilst a
potential
stress buster could have really benefited from just a little variety,
perhaps
extending the longevity of the title. I somehow feel that the
potential of this
game idea was never fully realised. Clearly the game takes place in a
rural
setting with a green field and a wheat field providing a serene
backdrop to the
deathly antics of the suicidal maniac. Will there ever be a city
version made?
Boofy 3
by Slider
Score: 7.06
Ranking: 49th
Platform: ZS Scorpion 256K
First impressions show this machine code game as something a bit
better than
most crap game entries, since it boasts parallax scrolling and sprite
routines,
however once you start to play it, you realise that it is truly a crap
game.
The pure torture of having to walk at a slow pace for 1000 in-game
kilometres is
something akin to attempting the London marathon whilst walking only
on your
knees. You cannot jump over the enemies and when you die you lose a
life and
you have to wait several seconds before resuming play due to an
overlong "death"
subroutine. Overall a fair crap game, and appropriately in the TRD
format. An
antidote to Sonic the Hedgehog for sure, so break out your Scorpion
compatible
emulator tonight!
Fluke
by Chris Young
Score: 7.05
Ranking: 50th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
Loved the reckless randomness of the PAPER and INK colours, which
meant I was
blessed with an almost illegible white text on yellow screengrab for
the
website. It is legible if you squint both eyes, and don't mind
suffering a
thumping migraine later on in the day. Good use of familiar British
place names
helps build the atmosphere in this exceedingly crass game. I don't
watch much TV
anymore, but if I did, I bet this program is on most weekdays. Barring
it being
taken off the air due to an unexpected large scale war, celebrity
wardrobe
malfunction or some similar disaster. My God, that spinner just goes
round and
round until you are about ready to give up on the game and then about
another
minute longer. Cheers for that patience-testing element - I just
cleaned a fish
tank out whilst waiting for it to finish!
Game of the Yet to come
by Apenao
Score: 7.04
Ranking: 51st
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
Excellent! Spooky loading screen sets the tone for what I think is
going to be
some really mysterious "Twilight Zone" style capers. Imagine the
hilarity that
ensues as this game is really a set of instructions in how to assault
your
opponent in traditional slapstick style. Multiplayer only unless you
are some
sort of masochist who likes to apply pain to themselves. Actually, you
are
interested in the CGC and are reading this. Therefore you must be a
masochist!
Joyous overuse of the FLASH attribute and vivid colours makes the text-
jumbled
screens enough to give anyone a headache, but that's nothing compared
to the
headache you'll get if you actually play it as "player 2".
Advanced Lawnmower Starter Simulator 2
by Steve 'sparkes' Parkes
Score: 7.03
Ranking: 52nd
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
Clearly this game has to be given a slightly higher score than it's
predecessor,
as it is a sort of de-luxe, refined version. The electric starter does
all of
the work for you, so no effort need be expended by repeatedly tapping
the
keyboard. A superb game for anyone who is bone-idle, and again you've
just got
to love the futility of it. The sound effects are top-notch proving
once and for
all that the BEEPER is the ultimate digital sound system! Of course we
expected nothing less after playing the prequel. What can I say, other
than
great for people in a hurry. You can play this one over a bowl of coco-
pops
in the morning!
Crap Games Competition - The Adventure 2008
by Firelord
Score: 7.02
Ranking: 53rd
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
A nice "meta game", where I found I could play the part of myself,
"Digital
Prawn", but that would have made it too easy for me.
So I played as "blood" instead. I can only assume that Firelord
managed to build up a psychological and personality evaluation of each
Judge,
in order to give this game a sense of heightened realism. Was this
done from
reading form posts and scanning websites, or were phone-taps and
surveillance
equipment involved too? It doesn't get any more CSSCGC-centric than
this!
Sim City: The Text Adventure
by Unsatisfactory Software
Score: 7.01
Ranking: 54th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
Billed as retaliation from last year's judges for my sins committed
in
CSSCGC 2007, this game whilst being pretty damn bad isn't the absolute
torture
it was designed to be. It comes pretty close though. Mention of
anything to do
with Russel Bland is enough to make some of us as nauseous as a first
time space
tourist, so it does succeed at least on that level! Nice use of dark
blue on a
black background and "scroll?" messages pervading during gameplay adds
to the
general feeling that some genuine effort was spent on trying to screw
things up,
perhaps it could have been screwed up even more! Of course, not as
much as
Russell Brand himself did after this was submitted. Uncanny that!
UK101 emulator & MTV - 70's style
by James Smith (includes MTV by Gavin Callard)
Score: 7.00
Ranking: 55th
Platform: Timex TC2048, ZX Spectrum 128K, ZX Spectrum 48K
This is the great thing about the CGC, two people collaborate to bring
this
quite unique entry to our attention. In fact I'll be judging this one
purely
as James' entry but credit must be given to Gavin Callard for taking
on the
challenge of porting his game to this obscure emulated platform!
To clarify - Jimmy solely wrote the emulator, Gavin Callard solely
wrote the
MTV game that runs on top of it.
As for the emulator itself, again it's a real genuine emulator and
another
technically impressive feat from Jimmy who has now built himself a
reputation of
entering titles that are far too good for the the CGC. Of course we
really enjoy
playing them anyway. I never even knew what a "UK101" was until this
one was
submitted!
Best played on a Timex to view all of the text columns of the emulated
machine.
Verdict: Good stuff, but please something crap as well for the next
CGC just so
we know you can make something crap!
CAR
by Arda
Score: 6.99
Ranking: 56th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
In the UK, motorways, major highways and regional and national trunk
roads are
maintained 100% by the highways agency and are generally kept in very
good
condition. Other A-roads, B-roads and unclassified roads however are
funded to
varying degrees by local councils and the results are unpredictable to
say the
least. Some of them are strewn with potholes, as depicted in this
game. The
ASCII-rendered car and road makes this exactly the sort of game that
would be
found in many type-in listings books, back in the day. Watch the road
ahead or
you may find the wheels come off. It's crap in its own way and yet
somehow quite
playable so a reasonably good score awarded. Please note also that
this game is
around twenty-four years old as I write this!
Advanced 10 PRINT "Hello " 20 GO TO 10 Simulator
by Shaun Bebbington
Score: 6.98
Ranking: 57th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 128K/+2
Well, this one amused someone enough that they wrote another game
based on it.
Not the first time this happened in CSSCGC 2008. Who'd have thought
the compo
would be such a source of erm.. creative inspiration, yes, that's it.
What ever
else may be said about this title, no-one can accuse it of lacking in
features.
Although if I remember correctly, someone actually did just that,
bemoaning the
lack of a BRIGHT feature. Still, the "Test Parameters" option is
something that
was thoughtfully provided in a mission-critical app like this - albeit
in this
case the "Test Parameters" option is the actual program itself. For
CGC purists,
note the misspelling of "program", an easily missed final touch.
The Skier
by Woody
Score: 6.97
Ranking: 58th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
As the Who may well have sung in an alternative universe:- "I've
looked under
chairs, I've looked under tables. I've tried to find the key To fifty
million
fables: They call him The Skier.... I've been searching low and
high.... I
won't get to get what I'm after Till the day I die!". Apart from that
what can I
say? It's another vertically scrolling skiing game in which the trees
seem to
individually "walk" up the hillside, out of sync with each other.
Excellent
insane grin on the face of the large headed magenta protagonist.
Skiing
shouldn't be that much fun, well not unless your skiing pants are on
slightly
too tight.
Advanced Lawnmower Starter Simulator - The petrol edition
by Steve 'sparkes' Parkes
Score: 6.96
Ranking: 59th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
I liked this one. After looking at the code, I did enjoy the author's
attention
to detail. Namely the realistic sound effects of a frustrated engine
(written in
assembler), but mostly the fact that the game really does give the
player a
1:1000 chance of winning the game. I have still not completed this one
yet.
One day, one day! How many lawnmower games is that so far, erm.. I've
lost count
at this point. Inevitably, this one ranks lower than the deluxe
edition, or it
just wouldn't be right!
Mushroom Man
by Hajo Spuunup
Score: 6.95
Ranking: 60th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 128K/+2
This game is based on a Windows puzzle game of the same name, by Paul
E Collins.
It is absolutely not crap. Even during the judging of this game I got
carried
away and ended up completing the first twenty levels or so. If a game
is this
addictive to a puzzle freak like myself and also has charming UDG
colour
characters then it will forever be remembered as a good game and
fondly so.
If logic dictated the scoring system of this compo, then I'd give it a
really
low crapness score. However I instead chose to give this higher score
out of
respect for the effort involved that must have gone into this. The
speccy
scene needs more games like this and I not really talking about the
CGC!
Advanced Fruit Machine Simulator
by Woody
Score: 6.94
Ranking: 61th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
What we have here is a carefully crafted game which certainly takes me
back
nostalgically to the early eighties when I could barely see the pale
yellow
lemons on my black'n'white telly as I attempted to play similar games
back then.
Behold, the addition of the HOLD feature almost doubling up the fun-
factor as
Woody submitted the second version of this title. Dr BEEP had pointed
out he
likes his reels spinning in the opposite direction and so Woody kindly
obliged
and the result is this version which I judged. The game is crap
because the reel
"scrolling" is discrete and not done at the pixel level so a tip of
the hat for
getting that wrong (I mean right in the context of the CGC of
course).
Play till you run out of money (unlikely) or patience in which case
you may well
decide to reset your speccy with 2p still in the game balance (tut
tut).
Advanced 10 PRINT "HELLO "; 20 GOTO 10 Simulator 128K Edition
by Ben Rapier
Score: 6.93
Ranking: 62nd
Platform: ZX Spectrum 128K/+2
The first of Mr Rapier's double whammy and another reminder that 48K-
only
owners are missing out on a lot of fun here!
You will take to the "game" itself like a duck to water, particularly
if
you are familiar with the Sinclair BASIC environment. Needs the
RAMDISK to work,
making it somewhat of a skilful investigation into "how to do less
with more".
Ultimately, though the flexibility of this title is only limited by
the
imagination of the human participant, and by the Speccy's ULA. Oh yes,
large
print font on the intro screen. We like resized text tricks like those
ones in
our "advanced speccy programming" books - Goodo.
Advanced Lawn Mower Simulator+ Expansion Pack
by Arda
Score: 6.92
Ranking: 63rd
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
I have an inexplicable enthusiasm for game add-ons. So, imagine the
joy I
experienced as I inserted this game tape and then downloaded and
inserted the
original lawnmower tape. Playing this add on game with ease. Nice of
Arda to
provide the user with the WoS download link to the original game,
functional at
the time of writing. Will there be lifetime support on this if the
link ever
changes I wonder? Anyway, can't say I was blown away with what the add
on
offers, but it gave me half a titter. Well done on thinking up the
"add-on"
idea though.
CrapBot
by Woody
Score: 6.91
Ranking: 64th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
Ironic that this is the title that Woody went all out on to try and
lose the
compo. I know this depends on the judge, but for CSSCGC2008 (as it was
also last
year), the games that lose the compo are "five minute affairs". I
should know,
I wrote one of them 2007 which is why I am sitting here writing this
now.
This one of course is actually quite good with a real-time user-
rotatable
isometric display. Flawless animated graphics and a real sense
of purpose. Of course you are going to think "Ant Attack" when you see
it, but
the sprites are completely re-drawn and the game effectively a
completely
different one. This means I'll just have to give it a reasonable score
(not too
high, not too low). I know that Woody wanted to either win the compo
or lose it
I just hope that by ranking this game almost in the middle of the
ordering does
not maximise his disappointment!
Redefine Keys The Adventure 2008
by Firelord
Score: 6.90
Ranking: 65th
ZX Spectrum 16K
A thoughtful prominent spelling mistake appears in this send up of the
perennial
agitation caused by overly complicated "define keys" screens. This
entry takes
the concept to a stupendously frustrating level. I may have been
tempted to name
this one "Redefine Keys The Ordeal 2008", as for me use of the word
"Adventure"
somehow conjures up mental images of an apple and a loaf of bread in a
knapsack
and the slaying of an orc with a silver sword. I don't think you can
possibly
win this game, but after several minutes of playing I'd say that my
willpower
had been sufficiently drained to the point where I just wanted to
escape it. So,
job well done in that respect!
Ultimate Anger Simulator
by The Mojon Twins
Score: 6.66
Ranking: 66th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
This game is quite evil, but in a completely humorous way and funnily
enough
it has an approximate natural score of 6.66. Don't be breaking your
keyboard
over it though, as I can imagine the knowing laughter of the Mojon
Twins as they
put this game together. Nice little jape at the expense of the player
and
vividly realised background graphics to boot. Perhaps it should be
called
"Ultimate Anger Causer". Overall a good crap game effort and
commendable that
the C source code was provided. I had a thought that if this game was
ever made
for the ZX81 and someone tried playing it on a real machine, then the
anger
could probably be magnified a hundredfold or so.
LOST 2008 - The Adventure
by Firelord
Score: 6.63
Ranking: 67th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
The second LOST game entered into CSSCGC 2008 makes me wonder what it
is about
this TV series that has seemingly given it a lasting cultural impact.
(alas I
have not seen it yet) Again, an amusing array of input options is
provided on
the start screen, which is the hallmark of a Firelord release. We have
come to
expect nothing less! I take it the main point of this game is to
highlight how
each episode is painfully dragged out, which does seem to be a feature
of many
current day TV series. A unique and original touch is the inclusion of
digital
photographs for viewing on a PC. These are critical for playing the
game, since
they are referenced from the in-game text in lieu of actual ZX
Spectrum
compatible images. The resolution may be much better this way,
although I can't
help but speculate what the result would've been had these images been
run
through a .SCR converter - crapper than this I presume?
Mind Game
by Woody
Score: 6.62
Ranking: 68th
ZX Spectrum 48K
This one momentarily gave me flashbacks of an obscure PC game from the
mid-90's
called "Mind Grind", but I don't know why I'm mentioning it here since
no-one
else on the planet has played it apart from me. I pitted my wits
against the
(again highly artistically rendered) alien opponent but the bugger
kept pipping
me at the post on every question. I finally did manage to outwit the
alien once
or twice but this game made me realise that mathematical ability is
indeed
something that peaks around age 18 and then goes rapidly downhill from
there.
Hope I never get invited onto the Krypton Factor.
Starting Next CSSCGC Server Simulator
by
Firelord
Score: 6.61
Ranking: 69th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
This one is quite presumptive about the personal PC usage habits of
CGC compo
hosts and the problems they are faced with - in a most hilarious way.
Even if
Firelord did not write "by Firelord" on the intro screen, I could have
told you
on the spot this was one of his. A mischievous brand of humour
prevails and
Firelord's trademark INK/PAPER combinations are both on display here.
You could
positively cack yourself at the drama and realism conveyed as time
runs low and
there is real "trouble at mill". I just chuckled at the line stating
"this all
happened because you were viewing adult material" or something to that
effect!.
Verdict: Well it made me laugh and it is crap - so a reasonable score
for a
text-dominated effort.
ColorPRINT
by Andrew Owen
Score: 6.60
Ranking: 70th
Platform: Timex TC2048 & Spectrum SE
Hmm.. The American spelling prevails, as of course the Timex was an
American
derivate of the Speccy. Yes, and we all know that in England of a few
centuries
ago, "color" was also used too by 50% of the people, 50% of the time.
Then they
all got on a big boat, sailed to America and left us "colour"
spelling
individuals behind. Anyhow, look at the lovely colours on this
erstwhile
"Commodore killing" machine that never did become a commercial
success. Play
around with the ATTR bytes and the UDGs as much as you like and then
set the
telly up for an unsuspecting Birthday greeting for a family member. No-
one has
yet written an editor for this one yet although it needs it.
Randomaze
by chop983
Score: 6.58
Ranking: 71st
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
This really is the sort of thing likely to grace a Cascade tape. Also
if you
squint whilst looking at the game board, it actually looks like a
newspaper
crossword. Randomaze is an apt name for this one as the difficulty of
the game
ranges from incredibly easy to certainly impossible with no real in-
between. It
just depends on the generated maze. Another point I noticed was the
shunning of
the USR "a" method of setting up UDGs, meaning that although the game
quite
comfortably fits inside a 16K speccy memory-wise, the 16K end user
would have to
go in and mod the code in order to see the intended stick man figure.
Serves 'em
right for not investing in a 48K model I suppose!
The Advanced Lawngrower Simulation
by ADJB
Score: 6.56
Ranking: 72nd
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
I was tempted to rename this one "The Advanced LawnGROAN Simulation"
but on
reflection I guess ADJB can't fully be blamed for the fact that the
CGC was
flooded with lawnmower themed games this year. In fact if we didn't
have any
then it'd be a bit like getting through Christmas without the telly
being crap
- i.e. just not right somehow. Well if this game doesn't do just about
everything right for the CGC then I don't know what would. Colourful
intro
screen converted to ZX Spectrum format, Check! Mention of a lawnmower,
Check!
Pre-scripted player task triggered by single key press, Check!
Satisfying game
denouement, Erm.. Check! So in short, everything's right here. Twenty
minutes
spent on the loading screen and five on the game. I could comment on
the lack of
UDGs, but then again doesn't a lower case 'i' make great blade of
grass!
Deadly Warriors The Adventure 2008
by Firelord
Score: 6.55
Ranking: 73rd
ZX Spectrum 16K
Firelord mentioned that this game took 4.5 billion years to be
completed - or in
fact the approximate age of our planet and solar system. So, from the
molten
coalescence of our rocky planet, via the formation of the "primeval
soup" and
eventually towards the evolution of the higher apes we finally reach
what made
it all worthwhile - this ZX Spectrum crap game by Firelord of course.
You see
that is "Chaos Theory" (From a glass, I pour some water on my hand)
and say
again you see - "Chaos Theory", look at that.
The game itself is rather chaotic with a full text exposition of a
brutal live
ring fight. It almost reminds me of some MUDs I have played in the
past, as
the fight progresses - "Will I hit them or will I miss?" you think.
Sometimes
you'll get a screen full of cyan on white text which isn't easy on the
eyes but
did make wonder about the possibility of porting this one to the
VIC-20.
Commodore 64 Emulator
by Steve "Sparkes" Parkes
Score: 6.40
Ranking: 74th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
The only score I could think of when judging this joke emu was 6.4. By
that
reckoning if Steve had've done a mock VIC-20 emulator instead then I
might have
scored it 2.0, potentially losing the compo. (You should have picked a
TI-99!)
This entry contrasts with some "real" emulators already in the compo.
It's a quick'n'dirty fake emulator, but a welcome one nevertheless, no
thrills,
just a quick dig at "the other organisation". Every CGC must have one
like this
in order to meet EU targets. So thanks to Sparkes that we met our
quota for this
year.
Daily Mail
by Steve K
Score: 6.32
Ranking: 75th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 128K/+2
Quality "Daily Mail" header graphic and nice usage of the 128K only
PLAY command. I wonder if there'll ever be a port to the 48K BEEP
command, as it
appears that may be the only line in the program which prevents it
from running
on a 48K system? Technical concerns aside, the author assures me he'd
had a few
drinks whilst making this game, well that's really what I call
dedication of
getting into the role of the game. For you play a drink happy
journalist,
although in this one the drink appears to be a "cuppa". I can't help
think it's
a cuppa gin though. Playing this for the second time round I can't
help but see
how topical the generated pseudo-headlines are for 2008. Which nicely
dates it.
I can imagine it'd be really bizarre to play this one in about twenty
years
time!
Advanced throw some shoes at a prat
by Gavin Callard
Score: 6.31
Ranking: 76th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
Gavin graced us with lots of games at the beginning of CSSCGC 2008 but
then had
a long hiatus from the compo. He came back near the end with a final
rallying
cry and this little topical number. The man who threw shoes at George
Bush did
get beaten afterwards and this game does not let you forget that.
Magenta
background oozes a dedicated loyalty to the original "crap stylee".
Anyway, see if you can win it without much difficulty. I
inadvertently won
it on my first go - as I'm sure many players would.
Looking at the code, only one parameter actually influenced the
outcome of the
game. The other parameter is a bit of a red herring, or perhaps it is
there for
added realism?
Reflex Meflex 09
by Arda
Score: 6.30
Ranking: 77th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
This one is actually a challenging game. I never did completely master
it as I'm
just too, well slow really. As a tester of reaction times perhaps it
should
become part of the standard driving test or something. Eventually I
tried to
beat the game by mentally "timing" the countdown such that I could get
a really
fast score. With this method, I mostly failed by "jumping the gun"
although I
did get "8 ticks" at one point. Ahhhrg, that was so near yet so far
from the
ultimate goal of "7 ticks!" at which a treat is promised. Nice one if
you were
ever to host the spec-chum crap game equivalent of a "LAN party". It's
actually
a little too enjoyable and unique (and dare I say potentially useful)
to become
truly crap!
GOD Simulator 2008
by Firelord
Score: 6.25
Ranking: 78th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
You can't get a more "God game" type game than a God simulator. Even
Populous
doesn't touch this when it comes to actually playing the role of God.
A
relatively simplistic affair awaits (compared to actually running the
entire
universe) and you'd be forgiven for thinking that some elements of
being God
have been omitted from the game due to the technical limitations of
the speccy
platform. I like the drawing of the asterisk starfield though. That
was the sort
of graphical treat which could be found in type-in books of the era
and used to
really impress me during the early days of home 8-bit computing.
Crap Factor
by Arda
Score: 6.20
Ranking: 79th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
Funnily enough, the title of this game is also the name I give to the
2009
version of the '80s program "The Krypton Factor" because the new
version is
basically crap! This is the game that dares to apply a computational
algorithm
to crap game scoring. Will it replace us judges? Perhaps after these
results are
out, most people will wish it had done! As for the game, very funny I
thought it
was that Arda had appended a NEW statement onto the end of the game
code. I can
only speculate that this is in case he is going to apply for a patent
for this
one and he doesn't want anyone else stealing the code. Hmm, maybe one
day a
clean-room open source re-implementation will be carried out?
Verdict: Watch out CGC judges, your days are numbered. Automation is
the way
forward!
Drugsy
by GreenCard
Score: 6.19
Ranking: 80th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
Aah finally, a game that deals with cutting edge social issues. I half
expected
to see the "Winners don't do drugs" logo appear on loading this game
up,
although in the case of this particular game "Winners do do drugs"
would
probably be more apt. Features a complete lack of in-game graphics,
and a rather
bleak and dark interface setting the rather shady tone of the game.
Yet, somehow
I feel this was a good call, because it also makes it seem business-
like - a bit
like a spread***/database app or something. Some extra points scored
for the
shadowy figure that appears on the loading screen, although I'm
certain he used
to be a drummer in a '70s prog rock band. This has to be the British
answer to
"Blow", surely!
Swift Turtle
by Arjun
Score: 6.13
Ranking: 81st
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
Not a game, but nevertheless can provide hours of entertainment for
turtle
lovers. (No not that type of turtle lovers - sicko). Anyway this one
could have
got a higher score, but it is just too flawlessly designed and
executed. Again,
it put me on a real nostalgia trip and I immediately starting drawing
all sorts
of geometric shapes and funky curves, lost as I was in my own little
world of
delightful amusement. (A bit like Klaus Kinski in Fitzcarraldo). So I
had an
idea to draw a ship suspended halfway up a mountain, but totally
cocked it up by
getting one of the lines wrong. Anyhow it's a welcome addition to the
crap game
archives and certainly better than one or two old non-CGC proggies
that found
their way into the WoS archive over the years. If you're still not
convinced,
then try the macro feature which really is the key to unlocking the
power of
this program.
Fun BASIC
by Dr BEEP
Score: 6.11
Ranking: 82nd
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
People's definition of fun can vary and if a "fun sized" Mars bar can
exist
(The only "fun" being that you've just been ripped off by buying
undersized
chocolate bars) then this program can certainly be called fun. The
user, on
pressing various keys is presented with a selection of funny remarks,
rather
than actually programming anything. The responses vary from amusing to
surreal
- but be sure to select all of the extended and shift-extended
keywords as well
as punctuation, lest you miss some humorous pearl of wisdom. It's a
gas for a
few minutes and I haven't heard so much laughter from a computer
response since
we got "/dev/tty - device not found" from a win32 command prompt! Oh
that one
was a real side-splitter I can tell you.
TAN:- "Got a TAN from holiday" and LLIST:- "Don't stutter" where
amongst the
more memorable one-line responses of this submission.
Advanced Lawnmower Simulator: The Adventure
by steve
Score: 6.06
Ranking: 83rd
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
Fresh from reviewing another few lawnmower entries, I now turn my
attention to
this game and I've seen that many lawnmower games in this compo that
I'm just
about ready to apply for a job at Homebase (Lawnmower section). Full
screen
green is employed here which is the one colour this game could only
ever be.
(Unless there's ever a sci-fi version where a magenta lichen lawn is
mowed on
a distant alien planet!) It's pretty obvious to the player that they
could type
"mow" to mow the lawn, but if you type "M" instead, you get a message
telling
that you can just type "m" to mow the lawn. This abbreviation is very
useful
since you need type it 384 times in order to complete the game, which
for some
reason amuses me. Was I expecting too much for the game to say
something like
"You push the mower forwards" or "You mow another strip of the lawn"
after
typing "m"? Probably, as I guess that'd make it too easy!
Sub Chase
by Woody
Score: 6.04
Ranking: 84th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K & ZX Spectrum 48K
Nicely implemented with colourful graphics and smooth scrolling, I'm
sorry but
this game isn't actually that crap! I've downloaded worse from the WoS
archive
with an original price of £12.99. The game does have some crapness,
perhaps like
the simple sound, or the fact that the "top of the sea" and the
"depths below
the sea" are merged into one flat surface, initially confusing the
player.
Woody needs to move the "lever of crapness" about two or three notches
towards
"totally crap" in order to crap things up a bit more. I'm sure an
Atari 2600
owner would rank this amongst one of their top ten games if it were on
a
deluxe bank switched cart.
Anyway, Woody can't help but provide an excellent level of support for
most of
his crap game efforts and so he eventually provided a 16K version of
his game
(which was tested under "Virtual ZX Spectrum" and was very contentious
-
I said "contentious", get it?) oh, never mind.
Harry the Magical: Harry and the Orden
by C.M. Gilles
Score: 6.02
Ranking: 85th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
I could be mistaken, but this has the look and feel of one of those "I
already
made a game and I might as well send it in to the CGC" type of
submissions.
Nothing wrong with that, in fact it was welcomed in 2008 and quite a
few
entrants took this approach (even did it myself in 2007).
You can play poker in it, but apparently it is not implemented
correctly. So
that's at least partially crap, but the rest of game plays a little
too good.
It's a top-down view - a similar mechanism to Zelda series on the
gameboy.
Clearly also this one is firmly in the RPG genre, with what I'm
guessing are
Hit Points and Magic Points displayed on the screen.
I walked up a very long corridor whereupon I entered into a duel and
won it,
although I don't know exactly how. As a first time player, I found the
game
a little confusing as to what was the right thing to do, but I'm
certainly
no RPG expert!
Mini Game Compo Simulator
by Dr BEEP
Score: 6.01
Ranking: 86th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
You know when Dr. BEEP has an axe to grind - he starts emitting small
games at
an alarming rate. This one really shook the foundations of the
minigame compo
community, or at least it would have done had any minigame judges ever
played it
which I suspect they didn't. I only say this because there seems to be
some sort
of communication barriers between various sections of the home-brew
retro-gaming
community. For example I don't think the mini-game judges have ever
seen any of
my CGC postings around the Internet and I have never seen any of
theirs either.
So, the competitions go on as two isolated bubbles in a vast retro-
gaming ocean.
In this game, I personally enjoy looking at such great mock usernames
as "C64
lover" and also the game names such as "Lightbulb Factory", whilst
keeping out
of the politics! In that respect, I found it to be an amusing enough
diversion.
Advanced Night Out Simulator
by Matt_B
Score: 5.98
Ranking: 87th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
This one has a couple of UDGs and the word "simulator" in the title,
really just
what more DO you want? It's nicely done with the themes of
drunkardness and
modern day urban dangers setting the scene. The control system is
impeded by a
user selectable level of drunkenness which is quite amusing at the
lower levels
but completely handicaps the player at the "paralytic" levels. Even so
I still
find up and down movements easy but left and right a struggle. At
heart though
this game seems a subtle promotion of the benefits of public
transport.
Earth Invasion
by Woody
Score: 5.97
Ranking: 88th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
Most of Woody's submissions get scores above a nominal 5.0 because
they have had
a bit of effort put into them and they invariably written in machine
code.
This one is quite possibly the only game I've ever played where the
instructions
stay over the play area after the game has started, only to get
successively
wiped off the screen by the ongoing sprite action. What a nice touch
for the
CGC that was. The user launched projectile is so slow in this one - it
is
actually about the same speed as the enemy spaceship. So, if you
hesitate and
then miss on the first firing you will be royally screwed. I also have
to ask,
how big is the enemy ship sprite? 64x64 at a guess - how can you
compete against
that with your tiny copter? This one also features analogue TV snow
effect.
ZX Webcam
by polomint
Score: 5.95
Ranking: 89th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K & ZX Spectrum 128K/+2
Oh no, the TV is staring at me again! After the government-backed plot
to
control my mind via a series of hidden messages in a Chris Tarrant
gameshow was
thwarted, I thought that was the end of me being spied upon! How could
polomint
tweak my emulator to do this? Clearly I need to get a shave (and also
replace
that green light bulb with a normal one). You may be perplexed as to
what this
program is until you press the C key and the joke will be revealed.
Photographs
on the speccy can look frighteningly realistic, particularly if you
squint
slightly or otherwise bring the image out of sharp focus.
Verdict: Good for a quick laugh.
ZX Road King
by mile
Score: 5.88
Ranking: 90th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
Welcome to the grim reality of modern day urban Britain. On my first
attempt I
stupidly went the wrong way and was brutally stabbed in the neck.
That'll teach
me to pay more attention to the in-game descriptions! On my second
attempt, I
happily won the game, actually taking notice of textual hints on that
occasion.
Great to see "Sugar Puffs" mentioned in a crap game entry. Always
evokes
memories of those ads with the Honey Monster and Henry McGee. Although
by the
end of the game, the Sugar Puffs are humorously forgotten about and
instead
a Twix is mentioned giving this game the honour of "best product
placements" in
CSSCGC 2008!
Brainf*ck Interpreter
by Gianfranco Zuliani
Score: 5.86
Ranking: 91st
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
I like this title and I have to say that the score could have been
much higher
had the author written a crap game in brainf*ck and submitted that.
This - I
would have really liked to see!
I've long had a passing interest in Brainf*ck and similar esoteric
computer
languages whose only purpose is intellectual mischief and basically
wasting time
and resources. It would have been great to see someone take up the
challenge of
entering further BF programs into the CGC and this is also what I
really hoped
for. However, since I get a migraine attack anytime I try to author/
debug BF
code, I can quite understand why no-one else tried it either. Was glad
to have
this in the compo though!
Ultimate last minute sent in simulator
by Dr BEEP
Score: 5.70
Ranking: 92nd
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
Wikipedia has a policy of not mentioning itself in its own articles
(apart from
the Wikipedia article that is!). Should the CGC be the same? Of course
not! Here
we welcome games that revolve around the compo itself and many of them
quite
possibly only make sense to people who've had any involvement with the
CGC.
Step inside Dr BEEP's (text-only) vision of submitting an entry at the
last
minute. Something seems very real about a bounced email at the very
moment you
don't want it to. Whilst playing this, I managed to give my virtual
game the
name of various BASIC token keywords. I don't know if that is
intentional or if
my emulator was playing silly buggers at the time. The player
flexibility has to
be commended in that you can call your game whatever you like. I would
have
enjoyed seeing a change from the default speccy colours, perhaps even
a BRIGHT 1
white background (nothing too ambitious) as we did get lots of games
this year
which just used the default INK/PAPER colour scheme. I should point
out you can
win this game like I did, if you exactly enter the correct submission
address
of CSSCGC 2008.
The Hat Factory
by Gavin Callard
Score: 5.59
Ranking: 93rd
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
I tip my hat to Gavin Callard, this game is da bomb! High resolution
full
colour graphics, sound and a totally insane game premise.
The fact that it is a fast paced game requiring skill and good timing
(i.e. not
totally crap) added to the fact that we got so many entries in the
compo this
year means it is placed at a ranking which probably doesn't do it full
justice!
Heck it even comes with a highly amusing introductory blurb too.
Meticulously
designed graphics (like the truck and conveyor belt for example) and
the
flawless flicker-free animation of the hats & bombs make for a
pleasant in-game environment, but in truth it's a couple of rungs
above crap.
Verdict: less harder next time, you must try!
Achtung Minen
by Lucas Pelaez
Score: 5.57
Ranking: 94th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
Again, I'm quite a fan of this tense and dramatic WWII minesweeping
game but
find myself giving it a rather low ranking which perhaps is
unfortunate, since
it is well worth a look!
The only thing I can say that is crap about the game is that perhaps
it is too
easy. Alas, the professional looking full-colour high-res graphics,
combined
with multiple and varied interesting power ups and slick animation
make this
game a little too good to be truly awful! Very grateful I was though
to play
this type of game, providing a refreshing counterpoint to the far more
prevalent
text-based games that I'd played beforehand.
ZX Outlook
by polomint
Score: 5.55
Ranking: 95th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K & ZX Spectrum 128K/+2
With marginally more functionality and a much greater stability than
the real
thing, this is really a lesson to Microsoft how things should be done
and of
course you don't need a gigabyte of RAM to do it either. The extra
feature I
really like though is the fact that you don't receive any emails in it
from
work or annoyances like that. Everyone should ditch the Microsoft
version and
use this one instead - you will be fitter, happier and more
productive. I'm
not sure when the next service pack for it is due out, perhaps CSSCGC
2010 at
a guess! Clearly, you can use this if you want to kiss goodbye to spam
problems
as well. Watch out for the BSOD (Black screen of death) though on
trying to
launch the browser - followed by a swift reboot (so realistic!).
Slap Me Forum Troll
by Arda
Score 5.53
Ranking: 96th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
This entry utilises what looks like a 63 column (at least) text
driver. You
know, similar to Hi-soft Pascal and Tasword, where all the 'w'
characters look a
bit like the hearts suite on a pack of playing cards. So, a point
deducted for
making things better than they should be! On the good (crap) side
though, this
game is totally poo - so thanks for entering it. Funny to see a
rendering of
the top part of the "World of Spectrum" forums index converted to scr
format
and a CSSCGC 2008 branding on the screen too. Feels truly like a
"special edition" program or something. A lot of the WoS regulars are
mentioned
in the game and you can choose one as your "Buddy" whilst flaming the
others.
A high point of the game is the line "Do you want to get into
polemic?". I
usually don't but perhaps after Arda sees this game ranking, I may
well end up
knee deep in polemic. Congrats anyway to Arda on 25 years with the ZX
Spectrum!
La Pugly Ugly - The Long Journey
by Bonny Bonnet Hood Softwarts
Score: 5.51
Ranking: 97th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
Too damn good for the compo. Tries to be crap and in some ways is, but
there's
no way you can get away with drawing such a good intro screen, and
make a
clearly attemptable platformer without someone noticing that a fair
bit of time
and effort went into this.
This one spawned a thread in the Spanish spec-chum community, with the
announcer later mentioning something like "I'm sorry I just realised
it is
actually a CGC game", followed by others:- "It's OK, we are playing it
anyway".
I'm led to believe that certain well known members of the speccy
community
(experienced coders and designers) were involved in the development of
this
title. That's presumably why it is good. On the crap side, the
movement of the
player charachter may be vibrant and animated, but it is bleedin'
awful to
control and insane how it can just stay hanging in mid-air. So some
crap cred
is due for that at least. For me, the nightmares of the SCR image of
the
"La Pugly Ugly" character have somwewhat faded in recent weeks, but
haven't
totally gone just yet! In game "music" consists of a tortuous
repetitive pulse
which did go off when I pressed a key. If you want a laugh, then read
the
supplied instructions!
Music Demo
by Woody
Score: 5.50
Ranking: 98th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K & ZX Spectrum 128K
This is only the lowest scoring of Woody's entries because it is not
actually a
game. However I nearly cacked myself with excitement at the prospect
of this
BASIC extension, providing a SOUND command which can use either the
Beeper or
the AY chip if available. Have an AY? Don't have an AY? That's fine,
no-one
cares. Or at least the SOUND command doesn't. Your ears may tell a
different
story. A great novelty for the CGC and it is nice that pre-128K owners
are still
cared about. It is 2009, time to upgrade to 128K yet? No, thanks to
Woody we are
rubberkeys fanatics till we die hahaha....
Barcode Hangman
by Unsatisfactory Software
Score: 5.48
Ranking: 99th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K & ZX81 16K
I actually think the barcode graphic in this game looks pretty damn
good. Maybe
I should get the barcode scanner from work and try it out on the
emulator screen
just to check that the generated codes to conform to the IEEE
standards. Ahem,
anyway, some crapness points were scored for making a port from the
ZX81 to the
Speccy whilst using zero of the speccy's features, making you think
that you are
still actually playing it on a ZX81. Also, the score was saved from
being lower
by the fact that it seems impossible to actually lose the game.
(warning -
expert crap game developers in the house). I see the BASIC code is
there to lose
the game, but can it actually be lost? I couldn't do it and I did try
a few
times! Quite possibly deserves a higher ranking, but judging this
compo really
is like trying to pour a quart (the submissions) into a pint pot (the
high
rankings) and this title was from a 1985 version!! Thanks for
supplying the
ZX81 version too though, the second one of only two in the compo.
ShitStack BrickBat
by steve
Score: 5.45
Ranking: 100th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
You've just been given a nice clean bat, and what do you do with it?
Cover it in
poo of course. I'm not cleaning that mess up! Amuse yourself for as
long as you
wish in this game that seems to have no score, no winning conditions
(or losing
conditions for that matter). I'd loved to have been there when the
author was
designing the game and said to himself "hmm, we need exactly five
stacks of
falling poo - no other number will do.). Score isn't too high as it is
another
very short if fun listing that fits entirely on a single ZX screen.
Would need
to add more to reach a higher score, like a poo-related power up or
something!
Advanced Disappointment Simulator
by Andrew Owen
Score: 5.33
Ranking: 101st
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
This game is scored as follows: 2.33 for the game idea. 3.0 for the
really cool
BORDER statements that make it look as if something is about to load
up! Now
the compo is over, it is no spoiler to say simply what this game does.
Namely
it pretends to load up a ZX Spectrum port of the latter-day popular
game
"GTA 4" but immediately fails with a tape loading error. Hence
the eponymous
disappointment. But I was asking myself, would I really be that
disappointed if
it didn't load? What form could the game possibly take given the
limited
hardware of the speccy. I wouldn't want to think what the frame-rate
would be
like and even if there was a controversial "hot coffee" type mod
available,
would it be worth it? As punishment for this, aowen should write "GTA
4 - the
text adventure" next year and increase the disappointment at least
sevenfold!
For the history books, it's probably worth a mention that this title
was
submitted merely one minute before the end of CSSCGC 2008.
Verdict: Slightly disappointing it may be, but we crave disappointment
by the
bucketload!
Dharma Initiative Swan Station Computer Simulator
by Hernan Pablo Alvarez
Score: 5.22
Ranking: 102nd
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
Having not seen the TV program "Lost" yet, I was in fact quite lost as
to what
do in this game at first. With hindsight, it's a safe bet that I
wouldn't have
guessed the correct answer. However, a quick Wikipedia search filled
me in on
the needed info and I was happily able to complete the game. A good
crapness
idea was to announce in the accompanying documentation that the player
has
108 minutes in which to enter the correct numeric sequence and then
completely
ignore this time limit in the game itself (as looking at the code
reveals)!
Also, the game is quite unforgiving of whitespace, so don't press
space
accidentally or it's goodbye planet Earth.
Ultimate crap game last minute entry simulator
by Dr BEEP
Score: 5.21
Ranking: 103rd
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
A fun poke at the trials and tribulations experienced by eleventh hour
crap
game coders. Now we don't want everyone to think that the CGC has its
head up
its own backside, but it's always amusing to get some self-referring
titles.
(Erm, didn't we get another one like this somewhere?) I played through
this one
a few times and I either got totally confused or I swear that a
multiple choice
answer I gave earlier was originally correct but later found to be
wrong!
I didn't look at the code but I assume it was written with the
consummate skill
of the ultra-experienced Dr BEEP. At least the answers are amusing!
Advanced Lawnmower Simulator 3D
by Paul E Collins
Score: 5.17
Ranking: 104th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
On hearing of this game it's easy to imagine visions of "Flight
Simulator X"
type realism, or at least at the level of "Gunship". What we do get
though is a
simple trick of perspective and a lovely magenta mower. I'll tell you
what, the
way those clouds are moving across the sky, it's clearly blowing quite
a gale
out there today. Better put your mittens on! Points deducted for
allowing mowing
just slightly over the red line (An affront to civilised society) but
as always
it just wouldn't do to underestimate the enduring cultural legacy the
lawnmower
crap game series enjoys, so at least it scored above 5 - not bad!
Mrs. Nibbs Cupcake Capers
by Mulder
Score: 5.12
Ranking: 105th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
No I'm sorry, this is just too damn good. Back in the day I paid good
money for
games that were far worse than this one. It would have been rejected
from the
cassette 50 compilation due to appearing far too skilfully drawn
and would no
doubt be exploited as a separate commercial offering (not the only one
in the
compo I feel this applies to). Amusing back story and interesting
development
paradigm certainly makes it a worthwhile and unique entry to the CGC
and the
whole concept is tantalisingly crap. However, back in 1983 it wouldn't
have
been, so it only gets a low crapness score, yet plenty of playing time
by me!
Bounce (Preview Edition)!
by Shaun Bebbington
Score: 5.00
Ranking: 106th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 128K/+2
Unfinished masterpieces such as this should be applauded. We applaud
them
because the author had the good sense to stop working on them and to
give up.
Watch out CSSCGC 2009 though, this one may rear it's head though in
the form of
a more completed experience. Have a BALL with it, but don't let it
drive you
BATty. Reminds me very much of a one-liner program I co-authored a
while back
(in the early stages of development before the game was created).
To be fair to Shaun, I encouraged him to send this one in even though
he'd made
it clear to me it wasn't finished. So I can't be too harsh now can I?
Besides,
the full version (Drum roll please) is tipped to have some BEEPs in it
and
a high score table. I know it's almost too exciting for me too, but I
must stay
calm! (games to judge and all that)
Elmo's karaoke C-rap (and many more)
by Dr BEEP
Score: 4.98
Ranking: 107th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
OK, I confess I played this game a lot and I still haven't got the
bottom of its
mysteries. I just keep getting the Jingle Bells tune (by FrankT)
played whilst
the Elmo character displays a speech bubble, containing the letter I
just
pressed repeatedly displayed. At doing this, the game is very good and
I applaud
it.
The graphics of Elmo himself look rather professionally done, but I
cannot seem
to unlock any further tunes or surprise messages from the game - which
in a way
is "job well done" for something in the crap game compo. It did
however bring
back fond memories of my early childhood as I watched "Sesame Street"
many times
before eventually having to go to school (which never was quite as
much fun).
Garage BEEP
by Andrew Owen
Score: 4.94
Ranking: 108th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
This one looks great and the graphics are in no way crap. In fact you
are
starting to think it is something like CUBASE and ask yourself, where
do I
insert the dongle? The answer is probably in your ear if you listen to
some of
the crap I came up with whilst messing around with this one. It is
very slow as
Andrew acknowledges (good-oh!) So it's probably a case of "all fair
coat and no
knickers" as when Mrs Hubbard the cupboard labelled "Machine Code", it
in fact
contained BASIC. Getting near the end of the judging for me now and so
I ask
myself have I lost the plot yet? Mr Bimble replies "No you haven't".
Verdict: Looks good, feature packed and could be useful to game
designers. Not
actually that crap!
Stop the press: Andrew has released a non-crap much further developed
version
with more machine code in it. This is very good and "Mister BEEP"
produced an
outstanding tune with it. Naturally, my judgement is solely of the
earlier
CSSCGC 2008 crap version.
Binduko!
by Shaun Bebbington
Score: 4.75
Ranking: 109th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 128K/+2
The first of a three game assault on the compo by SB - likeable for
its geek
appeal. You can possibly guess what's coming on starting the game, but
still the
fact that someone actually wrote it will impel you to play the game
through
to its logical conclusion provided you literally have two seconds to
spare.
Handy for completing on the short tube journey between Leicester
Square and
Covent Garden (250 yards). Good for a short laugh of course. But after
that,
the first three letters of the game name describe exactly what you
should do
with it.
Stop the press: Obviously this game had some influence on me, since I
submitted
the even worse "UnDoko" to CSSCGC 2009 - do you realise what you've
started with
this?
The Tunnel
by chop983
Score: 4.48
Ranking: 110th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
This one being a sequel to the equally bad "Maze" from 2005, I
launched the game
not honestly expecting it to blow my mind. Sure enough, it's a decent
enough
crap-romp through a virtual tunnel. After my sins of 2007 I have no
real right
to overly criticise this one, besides since I go through a tunnel
twice a day
(the Mersey Tunnel) I guess I have some sort of affinity with it. Play
with a
closed mind and you're sure not to be disappointed. I'm sure a future
compo
awaits another sequel with great anticipation. But, will it take
another three
years for this to happen? In the words of Fairport Convention "Time
will show
the Wiser". Although I was sorely tempted to develop an unofficial
sequel to
this on myself, I later realised that it is a sacred tradition of the
CGC which belongs to chop983 alone.
Tracers
by Dr BEEP
Score: 4.40
Ranking: 111th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
This is too good for the CGC, so the low crapness score is out of
respect for
the game more than anything else. This is a game where you absolutely
have to
read the instructions to get an idea of how to play it. I had to play
the first
level (Level 00) a few times before I finally beat it as I kept making
the wrong
moves. In other words, you have to think ahead and very carefully as
one wrong
move tends to blow the whole level. With a hundred levels in the game
I'll be
sure to return to it again to complete some more of them. For me, it
really is
the sort of Puzzle game that makes retro-gaming fun. Good to see a
light colour
scheme in use too! Not crap game material although you might be
excused for
thinking so (if you didn't read the instructions) but glad to have it
in the CGC
anyway.
Advanced Paint Drying Simulator
by ADJB
Score: 4.35
Ranking: 112th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
This one achieved cult status as the 100th title to be entered into
the 2008 CGC
, chronologically speaking. It does what it says on the tin (of
paint). I once
painted the outside of a house and it looked a bit like this program.
I kept
saying "that paint at the top will go darker as it dries, trust me".
Of course
what really had happened was that two subtly different shades of paint
were used
, so the house still to this day looks not unlike this program when it
is half
completed. From a suggested idea by Andrew Owen, I thought for a
moment this
program would itself evaporate into the vapourware section - but we
collectively groaned as it unstoppably became a reality, although the
excellent
tin of pain graphic on the loading screen makes this one a cut above
the very
lowest ranking entries.
Advanced Coat Getting Adventure Simulator
by Steve
Score: 4.28
Ranking: 113th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
In space, no-one can hear you scream. Unfortunately, I wasn't in space
when I
received this one. Perhaps the next time a new interstellar probe is
launched,
they can put the source code of this game inside it. Perhaps that is
the only
way of getting rid of it. A game that certainly never could have been
released
back in the day before USENET and web forums became widely used. This
one
certainly owes it's core idea to the Internet explosion and the fact
that any of
us can regrettably or perhaps deliberately become architects of a
digital faux
pas. (erm, what am I going on about?)
Anyway, the game is saved from "rock bottom" status by the inclusion
of an
"Easter Egg", a close shave though I have to say.
Advanced 10 PRINT Simulator
by DrUnKeN mAsTeR
Score: 4.20
Ranking: 114th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
I awarded 3.0 for the game and added 1.2 for the amusing manual that
accompanies
it! Not since the retirement of Johnny Ball have we joyfully enjoyed
bunking off
work to watch some schools programs whilst pratting around with a bit
of futile
BASIC coding. All I'll say is that this one follows a long tradition
of "PRINT
simulator" games and is mildly more entertaining than getting a nose
bleed
halfway up mount Everest. Perhaps not a stocking filler but at least
it is a
screen filler.
Turing Test Simulator
by Guesser
Score: 3.98
Ranking: 115th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
The first thing that struck me about this title was the multicoloured
loading
screen, which on the one hand looks great and really colourful due to
stippling
effects, yet on the other hand looks somewhat corrupted in places. I'm
guessing
(no pun intended) that this is the result of automatically converting
it from
another graphics format. As for the "Turing test" itself, a look
"under the bonnet" of the code will reveal that the program is not
that bright,
randomly spitting out a few everyday responses. However, you may say
it
comfortably passes the Turing Test because I think I know some people
who can be
mimicked flawlessly by this title.
Flight Simulator 2008
by James Smith
Score: 3.87
Ranking: 116th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
Why the low crapness score? Look, this game is just too darn good, and
the
crapness rating is therefore very low! I actually enjoy playing it,
and it's
written in professional assembly language. Add in the documentation
and real
maps, and you have something that could've been ordered back in the
day from
James Smith Games plc. PO. Box 27. Inverness. Price £14.99, please
allow 28 days
for delivery. I'm sorry but submitting good games like this ain't
gonna win the
compo. Congrats on the game though it really is great to see a
geographically
accurate Scotland scroll past on our beloved speccy.
Escape from Body
by Arda
Score: 3.78
Ranking: 117th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
Aah, the one that got away. Or did it? Arda submitted this to CSSCGC
2007, but
it was too late for that compo. Long forgotten and lost (for 11
months). I guess
the whole world had either remained unaware of it or (including Arda)
completely
forgotten about it. Then along comes Master Crap Game Archiver, Chris
Young to
dig this one out and to give Arda a bit of a shock, and rest of us a
bit of a
friendly giggle. You see this one came back to haunt Arda - it just
wouldn't
die. What's it about? Truthfully, I don't think anyone has a clue. But
it exists
as a timeless curiosity, maybe open to further future
interpretations.
16K Spectrum Emulator
by Andrew Owen
Score: 3.76
Ranking: 118th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
Makes your 48K system appear identical to 16K one such that a 16K
snapshot taken
from the resultant "emulated" system is indistinguishable from a real
16K
spectrum. Only two slight snags:- (1) the filling of the high 32K with
$FF to
emulate "no attached RAM" truly takes ages. (2) you can still POKE the
high 32K
and PEEK it back again betraying the presence of real RAM there.
Still, in
practise these things tend not to effect the operation of 16K software
at all
(and the filling can be bypassed anyway). This one is actually
potentially
useful since we could use it to run a 16K game with hard-wired UDG
addresses in
the 48K QOAP emulator - if we really wanted to.
Not a game of course, but that doesn't seem to be important to anyone
anymore.
Anyway, it seemed to fit into a nice gap here in the lower rankings of
the
compo due to its theoretical usefulness.
Dumb Miner
by Woody
Score: 3.57
Ranking: 119th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
On receiving this entry, I immediately contacted Matthew Smith
to elicit his
comments on it, to which he replied "Utterly Brilliant!" (or was that
David
Darling?). Not really of course, but I'll simply describe this one as
a copy of
Manic Miner that has been POKEd to make Miner Willy fall through
floors
thereby rendering the game somewhat amusing yet completely unplayable.
We like a
bit of variety in the compo and I guess this sort of thing has never
been
submitted before. So I'll just slap an appropriate low score of 3.57
on it and
be on my merry way, hoping wholeheartedly that next year we may see
Dumb Set
Willy and wondering what possible thing another compo judge could
write about
something like this! So if you wanted to lose the compo Woody, then
this was a
pretty decent attempt, not too far off the target!
attack of the flying saucer!
by Ian
Score: 3.51
Ranking: 120th
Platform: ZX Spectrum 48K
Use of the word "cack" by me in the game's initial review was arguably
a little
harsh, yet undoubtedly scientifically accurate. Furthermore "cack" is
quite a
complement to be bestowed on a game of this competition. This one is
without a
shadow of a doubt "cascade tape" filler material. In fact I had to
play every
game in the original cascade tape, just to make sure that this wasn't
one of
them. The low score reflects the fact that this one is one of those
quickly
knocked up efforts that keeps the compo rolling on through dark winter
nights.
I hope the low score does not dissuade the author from potential
future crap
game efforts, because if "Cascade 50 Volume Two" ever hits the shelves
then a
place on it must be reserved today for this one! Low ranking just
reflects the
simplicity of the listing and the number of games in the compo.
Otherwise,
job well done!
Advanced PURPLE Loading Simulator
by BloodBaz
Score: 1.10
Ranking: 121st
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
I awarded 1.01 to "Advanced Loading Simulator" and lets be honest,
this game
demands an identical score, but I have felt kind enough to award an
additional
0.9 points since I actually like purple myself. Even if it is an
illusion caused
by the rapidly fluctuating blue and magenta bands of colour. This was
a close
one, Bloodbaz in that at one stage, early in 2008 you almost lost the
compo and
potentially ended up hosting CSSCGC 2009. However, you were saved by
steve. Such
are the tiniest margins between the results of similar compo entries.
(Edit in 2nd pass of judging: saved from this fate by Guesser, steve
and ADJB!)
Advanced Loading Simulator
by steve
Score: 1.01
Ranking: 122nd
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K
Submitting this "game" is exactly equivalent to writing a note thus
"Dear Digital Prawn, I would really like to host CSSCGC 2009 and I'm
not going
to let anyone else stop me.".
You see I once learnt from a certain Chris Young, that there's "crap
and there's
sh*te." Which category can a CGC judge truthfully put this in?
(From 1st pass of judging): - You have the baton for 2009 steve, my
commiserations. I'm sure though you'll have plenty of fun next year
though
judging things like this!
(2nd pass of judging): The above was written back in early 2008 - but
I can now
tell you that you completely got away with not quite losing the compo
and
judging CSSCGC 2009, *phew* a close one though!
Lapland Theme Park Manager
by cruddy software
Score: 0.30
Ranking: 123rd
Platform: ZX Spectrum 16K (and many others)
Let me say that I think "cruddy software" are a band of one and that
member
is none other than ADJB. I'm not sure if there were any accomplices to
this
software abomination, but I'm guessing they would keep quiet anyway.
This entry was submitted via "Text mode", an experimental feature of
CSSCGC
2008 whereby entrants could post on forums or email me a piece of
BASIC,
assembler or FORTH code for example and I would accept it as a
submitted compo
entry. Perhaps this title has ensured that the experiment will never
again be
repeated in the CGC. The title has one saving grace it is (or was at
the time)
topical and also funny too, or at least I had to write something
"funny" around
it on the site. An amazing trick is that this entry runs completely
unmodified
on ANY of the permitted platforms (including the Jupiter ACE), so has
simultaneously become the worst CGC entry on all of those systemes at
the same
time.
If I didn't rank this (which consists solely of the line "10 CLS")
last in the
compo, then how could I have ever justify making someone else lose
whilst this
exists? Thanks ADJB, you gave us one to remember (or should I say
forget)
but I have to admire the audacity of submitting it!
.
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