Las Vegas Really Kinda Sucks - A Travelogue

I know most of you lunatics here are Vegas nuts, so that is why I
posted on this group. Consider this constructive criticism.

I went to Vegas for a conference last week and of course the mandatory
gambling orgy. I hadn't been in two years and not too much has
changed. All the bright lights and fancy hotels are cool, but Vegas
has a lot to learn and a long way to go.

First of all, I want to know . . . can't they afford to stripe the
roads? With all the gambling cash the casinos steal every year (and
the politicians) can't they afford road paint? I drove up and down the
strip ten or fifteen times, sometimes at night. The road stripes are
non existent. With all the damn drunks on that strip you would think
they might figure that if the road had clear visible stripes there
might be less accidents. NOT! C'mon kids, get them to stripe the damn
road so people know what frockin' lane they are supposed to be in. The
winnings from one slot machine in one week would easily pay for the
paint and the labor.

The slot machines suck. In the old days with the mechanical slots you
knew you were playing the odds when you pulled the handle. Now a damn
computer chip runs your odds. I poured tons of money into slots and I
noticed (by a keen scientific sense of study) that many of the slots
are programmed to repeat the same pattern over and over again. Win a
nickel, steal a dollar and with the same tease combinations showing
over and over again. Now I'm sure not all slots are such sad suck, but
a significant portion of them are boring. I did notice a lady beside
me win $2,700., but as soon as she did, my 'hot' machine went cold.
The computer screwed me again. It only supports my theory that the
slots in Vegas are rigged to steal with little or no return. Cash
cows. Seems I remember that a few years ago they weren't so greedy.
Maybe I'm wrong and I was having a really bad week, but if you differ,
please enlighten me. I played for over twenty hours in five different
casinos to keep my observations scientific. I didn't hit three double
diamonds or three sevens for ***.

The card tables . . . I stayed away from roulette wheels and craps
this time but I tried my hand at the black jack tables. Although I did
end up somewhat even, it was not because of the casino. I'm not a big
gambler and I play the low minimum tables. But it seemed that every
time I was a nickel over in my chips, the pit boss would gape and
start harrassing my dealer. It was as if when a dealer had someone
winning at their table they were doomed to unemployment. The pit
bosses (for the most part, there were exceptions ie. downtown Vegas)
were scavengers. Every time I started to win they wanted to change
dealers and would throw in their 'dirty dog'. Which led me to walk
away from a table every time they changed dealers (always a smart
move).

And while we're on the subject of dealers . . . I will never ever
again sit at a table with an oriental dealer. I don't know if they
import these women for their math skills (most of them are women) or
their extraordinary luck, all I know is that every time I sat down
with an oriental dealer she wiped my tush. I made the sad mistake of
sitting at the same table downtown for several hours. Even though I
only lost a couple of hundred over two and a half hours time I left
the table feeling reemed. The little oriental girl (god bless her)
spoke little English. She spent most of her time looking down at the
table. As much as myself and the others at the table tried to get her
to smile or say two words in the course of several hours, it never
happened. The pit boss even had to tell her to say 'thank you' louder
to someone leaving the table that she had just reemed for five hundred
bucks. Hey, I don't know about you, but when I go to Vegas I go with
the knowledge that there is very high probability I will lose money.
But for godsakes, if you are going to steal my money by the bucket
load at least have the decency to be cordial and grease me up before
you stick it in. Never again. If you ever sit at a table with a dealer
that has *** for attitude, walk away. I go to gamble to have fun and
if I can't at least have fun while losing money, then what is the
point. I've learned my lesson.

Of course I was solicited by the prostitutes several times while on
the gambling floor (both oriental no less --- retired dealers maybe).
All I know is that Vegas has lost it's charm with me. It has become
just another tourist trap with enough glitz and glamour to keep
drawing the herds. Then take a step away from the strip and get to see
the real Vegas. Thousands of homeless and broke transients roaming the
streets looking for handouts. For every rich jet-setter and Hollywood
do-gooder that spends thousands or ten of thousands on the strip there
are one hundred plus lonely, desolate, homeless or broke transients
living on the streets. There is no better example of rich and poor
than Vegas. And then when I think of all those poor bozo's that go
there thinking they are going to hit it rich only to lose their life
savings or their kids next meal or college education, I then realize
how really cruel Vegas really is. (kinda like good looking babes going
to Holllywood to be famous)

Maybe it's because last time I won a few hundred and this time I lost
a few hundred. Or maybe it's because a guy sits next to me and drops
two thousand in less than four minutes. I dunno, I do know that
something in Vegas just doesn't seem right. Maybe it's because
programming a computer to take people's money seems really, really
crooked. I mean crooks set the place up, right? So what's the beef?
Why should I care? Why should anyone care? As long as all those
Europeans and Asians and South Americans and Americans keep flocking
there to loose their ass, who should really care at all?

I'm not a gambler. I only gamble in Vegas when I'm required to attend
a conference there. Fortunately it's only every other year. Years ago
when I suggested they have some type of monorail to transport the
tourists, they made it happen. I'm only making suggestions because I
know it could be better and there is much room for improvement in
catering to tourists. You have the high end of the strip on one side
then you have limbo in the middle and then downtown. It wasn't that
way in the early days. Everything was together. It's not the same
anymore. If they don't get it together, the casino's will begin to
lose big time. More competition on the strip (and from other locations
in other states), higher fuel prices (airfare to Vegas is now
downright outrageous), higher food prices and higher labor costs. The
empty casino at the Hilton may just be the sign of things to come. If
you don't treat your customers right they won't come back. If you
don't treat your guests well you will lose your job for the same
reason. If your food isn't the best it can be no one will want to eat
there. If you rip people off with programmed machines, they won't come
back. If you make it a sin to win money at a table you will lose
business to another casino that doesn't. Which is exactly what a tough
character from the East coast told me at the airport. He said, 'It's
the first time I've been here and I'll never come back here again.' He
said he had spoken to someone about one of the decisons the gambling
commission had made on slot machine retuns. I think he was not only
referring to the low pay back on the slots but also to the general
atmosphere.

And while we're on the subject of the airport, can you make it any
harder to get to the rental car return or to the airport? Most airport
designers, planners and architects should be confined to eternal hell
in a maze. Bad signage, endless loops, shabby taxi and shuttle areas,
shabby drop-off and pick-up areas prone to backed up traffic . . .
need I say more? Hoover and the Canyon were the best part of Vegas.
And if they think sex is going to save them they are sadly mistaken.
Legal whore houses, orgies and topless pools are novelty. They cater
mostly to the perv. Joe and Jane middle America could give a ***.
Good service, good value and fair gaming is where it's at. Many of the
employees are either foreign and just do it for the money or plainly
don't care. Mexico isn't far and everything is cheap, overall a much
better value for your vacation buck.

"If you call somehwere paradise, kiss it goodbye" - Don Henley
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