Re: How to construct this sentence?
- From: cybercypher <cybercypher75@xxxxxxx>
- Date: 17 Aug 2007 10:56:48 GMT
Robin <robinshen0519@xxxxxxxxx> wrote
On Aug 17, 12:51 pm, cybercypher <cybercyphe...@xxxxxxx> wrote:[Quoted text snipt]
"windcolor" <feiyanfa...@xxxxxxx> wrote
I think the following sentence may have some errors, and how to
reconstruct it more idiomatic.
"Then, the biologic energy is transmitted to all organs by the
end of veins and arteries to provide energy to cells so as to
activate the cells lack of nutrition to restore the
capabilities of life and the weak cells to discharge toxins in
the body and improve microcirculation."
There are some problematic phrases here.
First, it would be better to begin with "The biologic energy is
then transmitted to all organs".
Second, "by the end of veins and arteries" is mysterious. It
sounds to me like a bad translation from Chinese. Should this be
"by veins and arteries that improve microcirculation, provide
nutrition, and restore vital signs, allowing weak cells to
discharge toxins"?
Third, the sequence of events in the second half of the sentence
isn't really clear.
Fourth, the meaning of "biologic(al) energy" is another mystery.
Blood doesn't directly supply the body with energy, only with
sources of energy -- oxygen and nutrients -- among other things.
Some helpful expressions:
Not really.
1. the biologic energy is transmitted to all organs by the end
of veins and arteries to provide energy to cells so as to
activate the cells lack of nutrition to restore the
capabilities of life 2. the biologic energy is transmitted to
all organs by the end of veins and arteries to provide energy
to cells so as to activate the weak cells to discharge toxins
in the body 3. the biologic energy is transmitted to all organs
by the end of veins and arteries to provide energy to cells so
as to improve microcirculation
I don't know how to arrange the sub-sentences of "so as to "
in postitions to clearly express the meaning.
You have to make more changes than that. Your sentence is too
long and too complex and too unclear to stand as it now is. It
requires a great deal of simplification and clarification.
then would you pls advise your sample structure for it?
I provided a sample structure in my rewrite, but I can't vouch for it
because I'm not sure that my first revision (only 28 words) says what
the original poster (OP) wants it to say. I'm a medical editor with
10 years of experience, not a biologist, so I can't provide what the
OP failed to provide in the original text (a whopping 49 words):
"The biologic energy is then transmitted to all organs by veins and
arteries that improve microcirculation, provide nutrition, and
restore vital signs, allowing weak cells to discharge toxins".
It might want to say this:
"Veins and arteries then deliver to all organs nutrients that improve
microcirculation, provide energy, and restore vital signs, allowing
weak cells to discharge toxins". [24 words]
or this:
"All organs are then receive, from veins and arteries, nutrients that
improve microcirculation, provide energy, and restore vital signs,
allowing weak cells to discharge toxins". [25 words]
or this:
"Nutrients that improve microcirculation, provide energy, and restore
vital signs, allowing weak cells to discharge toxins, are then
delivered to all organs by veins and arteries". [26 words]
I'm not sure of the sequence or even the association of events. I'm
not sure which of the three structures is best for this sentence. I'm
merely guessing about content because of what I've read and what
seems logical and reasonable to me; therefore, I could be wrong. If I
had more of the context, it would be a lot easier for me to interpret
and revise.
All three of my rewrites, however, are clearer and simpler than the
original. But that doesn't necessarily mean they are much easier to
understand, especially of they are factually or sequentially
incorrect, or if the focus (topic) is not appropriate for the
context.
--
Franke: EFL teacher & medical editor
Native speaker of American English; posting from Taiwan.
"It has come to my attention that my opinions are not universally
shared." Scott Adams.
.
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- Re: How to construct this sentence?
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