A Lament for the Loss of the "Chicago Olympics"
- From: Diogenes <cdhoran@xxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Sun, 04 Oct 2009 23:04:02 -0400
It is truly unfortunate that Chicago was not chosen to host the 2016
Olympics. Not only would this have been a great (and apparently the
only) triumph in Obama's first year as president, it would have
provided the opportunity to add some new Olympic events to reflect the
unique character and culture of the famous Windy City.
Ballot Box Stuffing: although this sport is played in almost every
country in the world, Chicago will have an overwhelming advantage.
Their team, made up of veteran ACORN members and coached by Mayor
Richard Daley himself, would have been a heavy favorite to sweep the
medals despite an expected strong challenge from Zimbabwe.
Bribe Handling: in this new event each competing team will attempt to
clandestinely pass large stacks of currency back and forth amongst
themselves without getting caught by the judges (aka, the feds). Again
the home team will enjoy a huge advantage with none other than Coach
Blagoyevich heading up a strong team composed of the most crooked
politicians in the state of Illinois. With so much talent available,
Coach Blago's biggest challenge will be choosing his starting lineup.
Some traditional Olympic sports would have to be modified in order to
appeal to the hometown audience.
Fencing: it will have be explained that this involves swordsmanship.
To most people in Chicago fencing means disposing of stolen
merchandise at a tidy profit.
Small Bore Pistol: due to local laws restricting legal possession of
handguns, all teams will have to obtain their pistols on the local
black market. However since this is Chicago, it will only take about
an hour to do so. Also to fit in with the local culture, all
competitors in this sport will now be required to shoot with their
pistols turned sideways while using the other hand to hold up a pair
of baggy pants and yelling "Yo' Mama!" after every shot. There will
also be a new Drive By event with extra points for hitting innocent
Track and Field: the hurdles will be replaced with subway turnstiles
in all applicable events. In the revised shot put competitors will
attempt to throw a brick through a jewelry store window at fifty feet,
after which they have thirty seconds to scoop up as much merchandise
as possible. Also while competing in track events, each runner will be
required to carry a stolen television set throughout the race.
Wrestling: each 'wrestler' will sneak up behind an elderly woman and
attempt to wrestle her purse away from her. Since he will then have to
sprint 100 meters with the stolen purse this will also count as a
Cycling: the main change will be at the beginning of the race. Each
rider will first have to cut through a security chain in order to
steal another competitor's bike and then ride it for the remainder of
the race. Also cyclists will score extra points if, during the race,
they manage to snatch wristwatches or jewelry from spectators as they
Field Hockey: instead of hockey sticks each team (gang) will be
equipped (armed) with clubs and iron pipes. No ball will be necessary,
since the players will be primarily interested in beating in the heads
of the opposing team members. Spectators (aka, innocent bystanders)
are advised to stay at least 30 meters away from the field while the
game is in progress.
Now isn't it a shame that all those foreign visitors will not have the
opportunity to enjoy a true Chicago Experience they can tell their
friends about back home?
The wars are long, the peace is frail
The madmen come again . . . .
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