Re: It's no fun being crazy. (Yes, it is...) No. It isn't.

On 22 Apr 2006 20:05:17 GMT, Sharonpo <_Sharonpo_@xxxxxxxxxx> wrote:

Uncle Buck <UncleBuck@xxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in
news:fgpk42dirqnlgrupu2meoru3gqjoo7bhqa@xxxxxxx:

Because I talk about it openly - and that is -why- I talk
about it
openly - "they" will never win.


I don't know why you're posting this here; I don't know why you did
it the last time either.

I'm not complaining; I'm just bemused by your doing it.

Understood. Part of it is I know I can get support here if I really need it. I
have no other social network, the Internet in general - and Usenet in particular
- is pretty much the extent of my social life. Not the best condition, but
better than having -NO- contact with other minds. Another part is as I state -
these things will never come to control me if I just don't hide them.




<snip>


Yet I have to talk about it. I won't be another statistic.
When I keep
it secret, when I hide it, it "grows". Such a thing kept in
darkness can only become stronger. When I expose it to the light
of day, it has no choice but to shrink back into the shadows.
That's where I want it to stay. In the shadows, where I can
control it.


So posting here is kinda like those bloggers who tried to exorcise
*their* demons by writing about *their* fantasies before they
fulfilled them?

It depends. If you're talking about bloggers for whom such actually worked,
then yes. If you're talking about bloggers for whom such turned out merely to
be self-titilation, no. It's also a bit different in that those kind of people
tend to be explicit - they describe their thoughts, sometimes even going into
specific fantasies. They are deliberately self-tittilating, and for most of
them, I believe that's exactly why they're doing it. I suppose I've hinted, but
I've not been explicit, and won't be. That sort of thing might inadvertently
"encourage" someone else, and that isn't my aim.

<snip>



I'm hyper-aware of this whole issue right now as I'm watching
"Dahmer".


Why? Why would you deliberately "trigger" yourself?

I didn't, it was already triggered. Watching that sort of thing is just one way
of trying to understand it a little better. Trying to find answers to my own
questions - like why -didn't- I go down that road? It's not possible to
describe how much that question has plagued me over the years. I don't know if
anyone who knows me "externally" to my own mind can possibly understand how
close I came at one point (now thankfully distant). I mean -close-. I should
not have been out on the street, I was not safe. If I could make a phone call
back in time, I would. I'd report my own past self fully and in no uncertain
terms, that is how bad it was and how much it has changed since. And I don't
understand how I ever came back from that. Most people don't. Most people
can't even fathom such a change. I know the love that triggered the comeback,
but find it incomprehensible that such a thing alone was enough. So it's a
puzzle, one I won't really be able to rest until I've solved.



It's so painful to watch, and I'm quite sure it's painful to me
for reasons few can understand. Painful because I am that
"weird", and when you're that weird, it would take such a small
twist of your path to set you on the course that he followed. It
isn't being insane itself that makes you do horrible things, it's
being insane and imbalanced. Insanity doesn't automatically
equate to imbalance. You can find balance even in the deepest
madness, and as long as it's not an "unstable balance" - the kind
that includes self-given "permission" to hurt people - you'll be
okay.


Like you are now?

Not sure what you mean. Like I am hurting people now? If I am, I am unaware of
it, but apologize if any of my words have done so. If you mean unstable, that's
only something that's in danger of happening if I don't act. This is a very
potent way to do that to me. Hiding it just lets it fall completely inward and
downward. There might be "better" places to share such things for more
therapeutic puposes, but few are nearly as accessible or effective as this
place. And here, I know there are people who actually understand. Even if they
don't say anything, I know they're here and who some of them are. It helps
knowing someone's on the other end who truly knows what you're saying, even if
they can't or won't respond.



<snip>

Keep in mind - there -is- a part of me that's really and
truly
_enjoying_ this ***. Always has, always will.


Well - there ya go! Sounds a lot like Duncan and Bolin.

That part? Sort of. More like a kind of Dahmer/Berdella/Gein hybrid. I rail
against it with a passion at times, I feel I have to.




*Sigh*.... I guess that's it for now. I'm going to go
huddle into a
little ball in the corner, hug my dog and just chant, "Why?" for
the next hour or so. Or maybe I'll go for a walk. Dunno'. The
ball-huddling "Why" thing is a sure thing for sooner or later
today, though, you can bet on it.


I consider you a positive presence in this newsgroup, but I do hope
you have RL resources available to you in this trying time. I don't
think you will benefit from mere commiseration with the neurotic
fringe in atc.

Michael gave you some very good advice. "Shadows" are like trolls;
if you feed them, you have to keep them.

I wish it was at a point in time where any of that could be avoided. That is
the best advice, I'd say - don't personify them, that only makes them more
potent. These shadows have been separate critters ever since I can remember, I
was fairly fragmented by the time I was 4. My adult mind has yet to come up
with even the darkest of scenarios that my 4 year old mind hadn't -already-
thought of, that's how messed up it was almost from the start. A 4 year old
doesn't have a chance to stop something like that, especially growing up in a
sick, "diseased" environment as Jerome was at the time.

There are some good critters in this skull too, though, so all is not lost. ;-)
The good ones became stronger (part of the puzzle), but the bad ones know how to
make a lot of noise at times. I have no idea what it would be like to deal with
them as anything other than personifications. I don't know that I'd recognize
"myself" without them as such. Not even sure that I'd be capable of functioning
- internal solidarity is a frightening prospect, the few glimpses "we" have had
of such a state were quite disturbing. So that part is, unfortunately,
non-negotiable. But still very good advice for anyone who -can- avoid it.
--
L8r,
Uncle Buck
************************************************
The true mark of a civilized society is when its
citizens know how to hate each other peacefully.
************************************************

"A disappearance is when someone has vanished.
A tragedy is when they were photogenic."

- a.t-c's Bo Raxo, paraphrased.
.